Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Three Unmarried Golfers

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an.

Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up.

Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something.

I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do.

If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right."

The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lady Tee Box?

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The worst caddy?

A pretty pathetic golfer was getting frustrated with his lousy game and began blaming his mistakes on his experienced caddie.

As the round came to an end, the golfer said, "You have to be the worst caddie in the whole wide world."

To which the caddie replied, "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hole-in-One

One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.

"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole-in-one?"

"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.

"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.

"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.

On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."

"What's the pay back this time?" said the man.

"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.

"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game!

On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.

"Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"

"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"

"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.

"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.

And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two Pairs of Golf Pants

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case they get a hole in one!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in Heaven

A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.

"Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven."

"That is wonderful!" Henry replies.

"Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Teaching Wife to Golf

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, Sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk.

I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"

"That was the last thing I remember."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.

He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What Would You do to Play a Better Round of Golf?

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots,

he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the Earth. :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: New Golfer

A new executive is told by his boss that he is expected to play in the corporate golf tournament next week. Not knowing how to play he decides he better take a lesson.

The club pro advises that they start with the putter and then progress to the short irons before tackling the long irons and woods.

The man explains that he has to start with the driver as he is expected to play in the corporate tournament. The pro relents and tries to teach him as best he can.

On the day of the tournament the new exec steps to the first tee, a 165 yard par 3 hole. One of his partners suggests on this hole perhaps a 4 iron might be a better choice.

The exec explains that he has only had one golf lesson and the driver is the only club he has hit. The exec takes a mighty swing and proceeds to slice the ball right into the woods.

After a few minutes the exec finds the ball and once again pulls his driver out of the bag. His partner suggests that he would be better off hitting a short chip back onto the fairway.

Again the new exec explains that he only knows how to hit the driver. He proceeds to take a mighty swing, hitting the tree directly in front of him.

The ball careens off the tree, striking the exec in the middle of the forehead, knocking him dead.

Saint Peter is surprised to see the executive so soon, and asked, "How did you get here?"

"In two!" he replied. :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don't stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

1. Don't take extra strokes

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two blondes Playing Golf

Blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway.

When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,

"OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Medical Emergency on the Golf Course

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 10 O’clock Tee-Off Time

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, Sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said: "Open your mouth, honey, and show him." :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only once a week

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Rules of Golf

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be

lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable

mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in" . . . may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year.

Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: If only I'd hit it

At the Gleneagle seaside course in South Australia, a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee.

It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart,

a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.

"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Use old golf balls

Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him.

Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and placed it on the tee and slices into the trees.

"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up.

Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him.

"Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.

"Cos I've never bloody had one!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wrong lessons

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet,

goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically,

"I guess all those fxxking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Golfer

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: He really is good

Dick brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a foursome.

His buddies ask him if is friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good.

This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush,

so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer,

Dick says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par.

Second hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake,

the 2 buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player.

So he walks in the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy.

All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning,

Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5-iron".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Considering my impediment...

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off.

The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde.

"I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.

"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop."

As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Four Senior Golfer

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five"

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said,

"I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Low eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mr_Slice

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups.

Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.

After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him.

The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club,

I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you,

where were you last week when I hit my ball into the *****willows?" I like it. My kind of thread.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A mockery of the game

Bill, the avid golfer got married; the marriage was getting into problems as he was playing golf five days a week. They finally talked about it and Sally asked Bill if he could teach her golf.

That way they both could enjoy golf and improve their marriage. Bill argued that golf is a serious game and that she is just trying to destroy the one perfect thing in life.

After some arguing, Bill agreed to have her go to the course with him.

They went to the course and Sally signed up to take some lessons with the local pro. The lessons kept going on everyday, and Bill was happy she didn't bother him. One day,

Bill's buddy Ralph asked him how the marriage was going. Bill replied, "It is great; ever since she started taking golf lessons, she doesn't bother me and lets me play all the golf I want."

Ralph replied with a sad shake of his head, "Really? Then I guess you don't know that she is screwing around with the golf pro!"

Bill's eyes turned red, smoke came out of his ears, and he became quite scary. He said, "I knew it couldn't last; I knew Sally would make a mockery of the game!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Poem

In my hand I hold a ball....

white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh , how bland it does appear....

this harmless looking little sphere....

By its size I could not guess....

the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath it's spell....

I've wandered through the fires of hell..

My life has not been quite the same....

Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end...

A fortune it has made me spend....

It has made me swear and yell and cry....

I hate myself and want to die....

It promises a thing called par....

If I can hit straight and far....

To master such a tiny ball....

should not be very hard at all .

But my desires the ball refuses....

and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....

and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim....

to hit a tree or take a swim....

With miles of grass on which to land....

it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul....

if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup....

and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow....

but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Senior Golf Logic

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them,

at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why does a golfer need two pairs of trousers? In case he has a hole in one?.

It's the most glorious happening in the game of golf. It's what every golfer dreams about.

A hole-in-one. Will and Guy have learned of a man who has recorded five holes-in-one in a week.

Yes, indeed, FIVE. Central Illinois amateur golfer Curt Hocker, who plays at the El Paso Golf Club, is that man.

The 22-year-old has recorded five holes-in-one in the last week, including two on Saturday.

Mr Hocker has seven aces: five on par-4s, and two other double eagles.

We are pleased to be able to tell our readers that Curt Hocker is very glad that his club membership comes with 'hole-in-one insurance.'

That 'insurance' means the club, and not Hocker, has to honour the golf tradition of buying everyone in the clubhouse a drink after an ace is made.

'I think the golf course is getting mad at me for all the drinks,' Hocker said. 'It's hard to talk about, but it's awesome to have it happen.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: You don't get a shot here

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here." :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Immovable obstruction

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway.

The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.

Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away." :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The after-life

Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life.

Their fear is that there is no after-life.

Many, many years later, Moshe dies and true to his word, he makes contact.

"Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.

"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back, just as we agreed."

"So what's it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.

"Well Becky, it’s like this," replies Moshe.

"Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex.

I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon.

After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."

"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I'm a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A compatible gentleman

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away.

The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes.

We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

Edited January 29, 2009 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I'll go back as a...

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner.

But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian.

The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Couldn't get over the water

These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four,

the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.

One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water,

and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.

Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation.

So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.

In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole,

she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith,

that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the club for almost four months now.

She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year.

So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Too Many Questions

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Anthill Golfing

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.

He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wife's Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the heck is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Cheat

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member,

"I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had it in my pocket!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Be careful

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough.

As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.

"People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Jump in the Lake

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole he proceeds to splash five balls in a row into the water.

Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

One of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

He responds, "I left my car keys in the bag."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in Heaven

Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse,

they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact.

The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.

Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"

"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.

"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're my partner!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I'd move heaven and earth

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots,

he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Texas millionaire

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him.

The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay,

the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."

With that the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs.

The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya.

So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Prayer

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Round white balls

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields.

There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice.

There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds.

Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls,

so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Top 10 signs your partner is a murderer

10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo

9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel

8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman

7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention

6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole

5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag

4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!"

3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt

2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia"

1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings