Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Caddy Advice

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident

golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it

safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and

proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that

he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under

estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had

asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled

about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for

one long putt..."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in heaven

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.

Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.

Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen.

Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs.

The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together!

We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"

Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good-Bye Prays

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,

looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A clear path to the green

Bill really enjoyed playing golf. He could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife Sally along) he was having an extremely bad round.

On the 12th hole, Bill sliced a drive over by a grounds keepers shack.

Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there was a possibility that,

if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.

Without hesitation, Bill instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green.

He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. Sally had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through.

After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment,

Bill cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

Bill avoided golf for a year. However, he finally recovered, remarried, and started playing golf with his new wife Jill.

Again, on hole #12, he slices his drive to the shack. Jill says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied Bill,

"The last time I did that, I shot a 7 on the hole."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mothers Day

Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day.

The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."

Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."

Bill said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,'

and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Playing with the pro

"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered.

His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".

The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.

"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.

"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.

"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't"

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Great Trade

Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box.

Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: It's a small world

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots,

hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours.

"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women.

Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why single golfers are thinner

I attended a golf convention in London over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers;

specifically I was interested in late afternoon league golfers.

This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.

The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer.

The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator.

He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed,

finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

:thumb:

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: You nearly hit my wife

"You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!"

"Sorry old chap!. Here, take a shot at mine!"

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Hitting my wife

Bill met Ralph one day after work at the local drinking establishment.

"Did you hear that my exclusive golf club fined me £50 for hitting my wife Sally with a 9-iron?" moaned Bill.

Ralph nodding his head sadly said, "Really? Was it for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?"

Bill responded as expected, "No, it was for using the wrong club."

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: From a huge slice...

Talk about fantastic golf teachers.

He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice.

Day and night he worked with her for five months.

Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Next session ?

When can you let me have another session?" a golfer asked his professional who was veteran of 75 years.

"Tomorrow morning," came the reply, "but not afternoon. That's when I visit my father."

"Goodness me," exclaimed student incredulously, "how old is he then. 95."

"And good player too?"

"Ah no Sir - knocks ball about bit but, bless him, 'll never make player."

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Lesson with the pro

Now," said the golf pro, "suppose you just go through the motions without driving the ball."

"But that's precisely the difficulty I'm trying to overcome," said his pupil.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Store professional

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women.

"Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: You earn how much ?

I gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's pro.

"Why not ?", came the reply, "I'm a better player than he is !"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Correct stance

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! so NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The gorilla's revenge

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and

suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf.

He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and

stopped 5 inches from the cup. The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down.

He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?" The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Just My Mulligan

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens.

Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.

"Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.

" "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Kawasaki

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 6.45am?

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome. A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?” They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Ok, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”

Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Streaker

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long.

Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.

In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Splint

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc?

I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together;

an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room,

she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Golf Fanatic

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, 36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that shit?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Trees

I think that I shall never see

a hazard rougher than a tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly

if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,

and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend

to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,

while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me

who cannot ever miss a tree.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Spare Change

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."

"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"

Will you go to a dance? No I don't dance either.

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Golf Bag Genie

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.

The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two Dwarves Playing Golf

Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection.

His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of "One, two, three ... uhh!" all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he cried.

"I couldn't even get on the damn bed!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Lone Golfer

A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on.

As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.

He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is.

He looks at the bewildered players and says: "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.

I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.

He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Pregnant Golf

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,

along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Golf Problem

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math,

so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her,

"If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

She replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Union Strike

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse.

The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,

"This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,

who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Naked Woman On The Golf Course

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods".

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.

Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat

come through her chasing a naked lady.

He said yes, they ran that way through the woods.

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love."

The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Slow golfers are ahead of us

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf.

Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What will you do for golf?

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.

I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Rules

Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.

The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!

Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" said Rab, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his playing partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bragging Dad Golfers

Four men went golfing one day.

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.

The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well.

His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hole in One

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting.

While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A round excuse

Benjamin the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf.

One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -

‘Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.’

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sign At Golf Course

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Finer Reasons

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf.

"What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."

"Screw that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game.

Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer & Caddy

Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,"

Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!"

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?

Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, it's a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?

Caddy: "Boy: Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."

Caddy: "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence"

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Oh, Those Darn Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off.

They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck.

Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wives

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A doctor, an architect

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.

A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.

Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.

Bullshit immediately fxxked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Vacationing Golfer

A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer mis-hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot.

He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."