Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Laws Of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Golf Bag?

Birthing coach: "All you mommies-to-be should know that walking while you’re pregnant is very beneficial.

And you husbands, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partners."

One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Heart Attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special

Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog looked up at her and said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein immediately freed the frog.

The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or better!"

Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.

So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

Mrs Goldstein said, "It’s not a problem, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Her Diary,

We played golf together today. On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Awful day at the golf course today! Shot a 94 - can't putt worth a damn! Got lucky though.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The head strike

Moshe and his friend Issy were half way through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes Moshe on the back of his head.

"Ouch." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back of his head.

Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise. But Moshe is having none of it.

"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe. "If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club.

Do you see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for £5,000."

"But … but," says Hymie, "didn’t you hear me? I shouted FORE."

"OK," says Moshe, "I’ll take it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two Guys on a Golf Course

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee,

they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!

The first guy says ''Well. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass

them. I'll be back in a sec.''

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he

exclaims, ''Gosh! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''

So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong?

What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: That’s the way to do it

After 15 years of marriage, it’s got to the stage where Victor and Rivkah have no choice but to book an appointment to see Levy, the well known marriage guidance counsellor.

When they arrive, Levy asks them to explain their problem. Rivkah immediately launches into a seemingly never-ending tirade, going on and on about Victor’s selfishness, his lying, his bullying, his controlling,

his spending money on worthless goods, his never saying anything nice about her, their arguments, his lack of love for her…….but Levy has heard enough, already.

He gets up, goes over to Rivkah, pulls her from her chair, embraces her and kisses her passionately on the lips. That stops her in her tracks. Levy then rips off her clothes and makes love to her on his desk.

When it’s over, Rivkah sits back down in her chair with a dazed, but very satisfied look on her face.

Levy turns to Victor and says, "You see? That’s what your wife needs, and she needs it at least three times a week. Do you think you can do that?"

Victor thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I can certainly get her here on Monday and Thursday, doctor, but on Friday I play golf."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150.

He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'

'That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: jcgolfpro

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers,'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Engineer at the Golf Course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Leprechaun at Augusta

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

"I'm so sorry!" the man said.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes."

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health,

and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun.

"Oh, terrific. Everytime I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone."

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun.

"Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!"

"Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!"

"Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Rafcin

Two best friends met to play a round at their country club. There were two women playing ahead of them and they had to wait few holes in a row before they could hit their shots.

At the 4th tee one of them finally said :

" Hey, John - why don't you walk up to these ladies in the fairway and ask if we could play through?"

John agreed and started walking down the fairway. Half way down he turned around and jogged back.

"What happend?" asked the other friend.

John said "There is NO WAY I could ask them to play through. Once I got closer I realized it's my wife and my mistress playing ahead of us !. I hope you understand.

Why don't you go and ask them?"

The other friend started walking down the fairway... half way down he turned around and came back looking down, avoiding John's eyes.

"What happed???" asked John.

"It's a small, small world" answered his friend.....

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: One Ball Is Enough

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when Kevin noticed that Mark had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. Mark replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?" Kevin persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

Mark replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," Kevin asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," Mark replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

Mark replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, Kevin asked, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," said Mark. "You see, this ball is luminescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that Mark needed only the one golf ball, Kevin asked, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

Mark replied, "I found it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Visiting a Golf Course

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well-known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men.

Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds.

Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls,

so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Vacationing Golfer

A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer mis-hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot.

He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Big Hitter

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.

The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.

The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club.

He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Practical Golf Widow

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Golf Advice

• Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

• Form a loose grip.

• Keep your head down.

• Avoid a quick back swing.

• Stay out of the water.

• Try not to hit anyone.

• If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

• Don't stand directly in front of others.

• Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

• Don't take extra strokes.

• Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Senior Golf Logic

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old,

piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Top Ten Caddy Comments

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Handicap Golf

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through."

He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Free Butter

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups.

Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.

After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him.

The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club,

I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: High Stakes

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman.

''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.''

As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole.

The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"

She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt.

"If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"

She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again.

"Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"

She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole.

She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night."

The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....

"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?'

The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Prevention policy

Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan.

You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."

Nathan is initially shocked. But then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.

"Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer.

So I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks."

4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates,

curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.

Nathan tells them, "Guys, we’re drinking to my impending death. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS."

His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave.

Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you’re dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you’re dying of AIDS. I don’t understand."

Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mum after I’m gone."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Scotsman's Caddie ‘

One day, a Scotsman went playing golf.

After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Lost City

For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City.

Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards.

It had to be a golf course!

Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City.

It was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.

While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter,a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery".

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query.

The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied.

"Simple", was the translation, "they could not afford the green fees."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why does a golfer need two pairs of trousers? In case he has a hole in one.

It's the most glorious happening in the game of golf. It's what every golfer dreams about. A hole-in-one.

Will and Guy have learned of a man who has recorded five holes-in-one in a week. Yes, indeed, FIVE.

Central Illinois amateur golfer Curt Hocker, who plays at the El Paso Golf Club, is that man.

The 22-year-old has recorded five holes-in-one in the last week, including two on Saturday.

Mr Hocker has seven aces: five on par-4s, and two other double eagles.

We are pleased to be able to tell our readers that Curt Hocker is very glad that his club membership comes with 'hole-in-one insurance.'

That 'insurance' means the club, and not Hocker, has to honour the golf tradition of buying everyone in the clubhouse a drink after an ace is made.

'I think the golf course is getting mad at me for all the drinks,' Hocker said. 'It's hard to talk about, but it's awesome to have it happen.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Desert Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks', Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies', I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' Amazing', he notes.'

You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.

I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?' Oh, that was no problem', replied the woman.' On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.

I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually', It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' No! No thank you', he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' It's not coconut juice', winks the woman. 'I have a still.

How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces', I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?

There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing', he muses.' What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me', she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him', We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.' You mean .. ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

'Don't tell me You've built a Golf Course!!!'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Some Amusing Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say about Golf

I love it when you play golf on Sunday, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6.

I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Partner

Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore.

Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda.

'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Classic Golf Joke

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Wife Left Me

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Language of Golf

Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.'

Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Swindler

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

7. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

6. Foursomes are encouraged.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gotcha

At a fancy country club, a new member insulted the best golfer at the club by accident.

The Better golfer challenged him to one game of golf and offered $5000 to the guy if he won.

The new member says, "Alright, I’ll accept, but only on one condition...you have to let me get two ‘Gotcha’s during the game."

Not knowing what a ‘Gotcha’was, and not really caring, he accepted to the terms.

So the new guy and the old pro go out to the first hole, the new guy tee’s off and makes a fairly good shot.

The pro then steps up confidently, sets his ball down, starts to swing, and the new guy runs up, grabs his balls and yells, "Gotcha!"

The ball goes far to the left and the pro, angry and embarassed stomps off after it.

Several hours go by and the to competitors return to the country club after their round of golf and the other members see the old pro take out his checkbook and write the new guy the promised $5000.

The pro walks in and sits down, furiously. The others ask him how he lost and he replies, "Let’s see you play a good game while waiting for the second ‘Gotcha!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Day At The Range

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way.

Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"

Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."

"Why not?" He asks.

Pro says "I don't think you can keep your head down that long!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Greenside Manner

A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play.

But on the 9th green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.

"Oh no," the husband exclaims, "you're having a heart attack!"

"The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting!?" she asks incredulously.

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" the wife valiantly asks.

"No time at all," her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Help me, dear," the wife implores, "find a doctor."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Stone Cold

James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.

James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again.

When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeepers buildings.

His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the greenskeepers building and some branches.

"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistant in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.

So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... and the ball caromed off a tree branch, richocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold.

A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.

He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.

"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot."

"Why not?" Ashley asked him.

"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."

"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"

"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A bad round

A golfer slouches into the clubhouse after a particularly bad round.

"Looks like you had a pretty rough day," says the pro.

"You bet I did," sighs the golfer.

"The best two balls I hit all day, was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The True Rules Of Golf

Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: One Hole Behind...

A man was golfing. He walked up to a woman standing nearby him and said, "I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember what hole I'm on."

And the woman replied, "Well, I'm on hole 6, and you are one hold behind me, so you must be on hole 5." He thanked her and walked away.

A few minutes later he approached her. Again he asked the same question, "I can't remember what hole I'm on. Can you tell me?"

And again the woman replied, "Well I'm on hole 10, and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on hole 9."

That was the last time he spoke to her, and they both finished their games seperately.

Later that night the man saw the woman at a bar. He walked up to her and started up a conversation. Making small talk, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I don't want to say. You'll laugh," she replied. "Oh, give me a shot. Just tell me who you work for." "Well, ok. But promise not to laugh." (He promised.)

"I work for Tampax, you know, the feminine protection company." After she spoke, the man started cracking up. "See? I told you you'd laugh," she said.

"No, no," the man said. "It's not that. It's just that I work for Preparation-H, so I'm always one hole behind you!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Magic frog

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day.

As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance.

Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood.

I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood.

It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me.

At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever.

I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel.

After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me."

Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again.

So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life.

And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Top Ten Signs You're Too Old for the Senior Tour

• When you take off your golf shoe, you notice a tag around your toe.

• Your foursome tells you to be quiet but it's just your bones creaking

• You need a cart just to get to your car

• One of your competitors loses his ball in your prodigious ear hair.

• Every time you swing, the waistband on your knickers chafes your nipples.

• You have 3 walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.

• You strain your groin area just telling a joke.

• Your golf ball: 384 dimples. You: 384 liver spots.

• You have only two groupies – Carol Channing and Kate Hepburn.

• Good news: You make it into the Golf Hall of Fame. Bad news: it’s posthumous.