crazygolfer Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 Golf Joke: How to stop Tiger Woods slicing Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right. His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right. Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right, and to his surprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right. Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose. He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball. Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball. Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag. Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was. "It's Daz" said the little old lady. "Daz!!" exclaimed Tiger. "Yes Daz" said the little old lady, "Apparently it stops colours from fading !" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 Golf Joke: Considering my impediment... A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway."That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde."I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up. As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 Golf Joke: Addicted to golfThere was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. “What happened? Why are you screaming?” the guy asked his wife.“Why wouldn’t I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!” Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Joke: Your hole Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral." The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Joke: Mind your language An avid golfer touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls. "Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds. A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him. "Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Quote:I enjoy the oohs! and aahs! from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the awws! and uhhs! when I miss the putt. ~ John Daly (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Quote:Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh. ~ Anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Quote:Do I have to know rules and all that crap? Then forget it. (John Daly when asked whether he'd like to join the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, after winning the '95 British Open at St. Andrews) ~ John Daly (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Quote:When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~ Anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Golf Joke: Only once a week Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was."It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week.""Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote:It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get. ~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote:The most rewarding things you do in life are often the ones that look like they cannot be done. ] ~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote:As far as swing and techniques are concerned, I don't know diddly squat. When I'm playing well, I don't even take aim. ~ Fred Couples (Us Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote:If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands. ~ Gary Player (South Africa Golf Legends) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Joke: No free lift A man and ladygolfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won. Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!" :whistle: Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote: It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it. ~ Jack Nicklaus (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Quote: I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right. ~ Ben Crenshaw (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 Golf Joke: £50 for a ticket ? Tickets for the British Open are hard to get and the touts have a field day. One keen spectator was offered a ticket for £50. "That's absurd," the enthusiast declared. "Why, I could get a prostitute for that!" "True Sir, but with this ticket you get eighteen holes!" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Quote:When it's breezy, hit it easy. ~ Davis Love, Jr. (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Quote:Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place. ~ Ben Crenshaw (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Quote:Real pressure in golf is playing for $10 when you've only got $5 in your pocket. ~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Quote:I never rooted against an opponent, but I never rooted for him either. ~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Quote:I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Golf Joke: Too foggy to see Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "Which one of you used the orange one ?" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Quote:You can't go into a shop and buy a good game of golf. ~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Quote:If some players took a fork to their mouths the way they take the club back, they'd starve to death.~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Quote:A hungry dog hunts best. ~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Quote:You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. ~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Joke: No Ball GolfTwo men are waiting on the first tee one afternoon and there are a few people around so they decide to join up and play in a two.The first bloke puts a tee in the ground, steps back takes a practice swing, walks up a makes a swing but with no ball on the tee.The other bloke notices this and asks what is going on? The chap explains that he was given this idea by the local pro to help him visualize where he wants his shot to go.It seems like a good idea so the other man decides to do the same. They both par the first couple of holes and it looks like it is going to be a close match so they decide to have a friendly wager. By the time they come to the last hole the match is still all square. The 18th is a long par 3 across water and they both hit it on the front of the green. The first bloke gets up and putts his ball straight into the hole.As the other man is lining up his putt he stands up and shakes his head and says "I'm sorry mate but you have hit my ball!" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 Golf Joke: A sin to play on Sunday? After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote:Practice puts brains in your muscles. ~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote:These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote:There are no short hitters on the tour anymore just long and unbelievably long. ~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Joke: Did you cheat your wife ? Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven.The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the time she beat me but I never cheated ."So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard". Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Joke: Only a golfer A golf pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates. Impatient and self serving, he skips line and heads right for St. Peter. Explaining to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven. St. Peter replies that there are no favourites in heaven and that he must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward the back of the line to wait his turn. Just as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven. The golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding an explanation: "I'm a scratch golfer and have been for 20 years, and have been denied immediate entry to heaven, yet you let that weekend golfer walk right in." "Oh, that guy," replies St. Peter. "That's a Special One. He only thinks he's a golfer." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote: You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. ~ Bobby Jones (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote:I was lying ten and had a thirty-five foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder: "How does this one break?" And my caddie said, "Who cares?" ~ Jack Lemmon (US Actor) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Quote:My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. ~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Joke: Fierce savages Explorer: "There we were surrounded. Fierce savages very where you looked. They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . " Weary listener: "Golfers, probably." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2009 Golf Joke: Only golfers allowed Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed. The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!" The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied. "But I won't say anything if you won't either!" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2009 Golf Quote: Golf is a game in which you yell "fore"... shoot six... and write down five. ~ Paul Harvey (US Radio Broadcaster) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2009 Golf Quote: I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser. ~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2009 Golf Quote: It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~ Hank Aaron (US Baseball Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2009 Golf Joke: Anything for an ace He'd been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything," he said, "anything to get a hole in one." "Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail. "What did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired. "Well would you give up half your sex life.'" "Yes, Yes I would." "It's a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight. On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more. "Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life." The golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said. "You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish of its tail. "We'd struck a bargain and you agreed to it." "Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Quote:I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. ~ Greg Norman (Australia Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Quote: You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Quote: These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Quote: Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it. ~ Bobby Jones (US Golf Legend) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Joke: Don't swear Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?" Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2009 Golf Joke: Boys that swear The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then 6 year-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive. "Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?" "Golfers," Simon replied. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts