Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag.

~ Byron Nelson (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation.

~ Robert E. Zorn

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Flying home to Eire

Paddy and Mick were returning to their native land to play in the All Eire Champions Golf Tournament.

Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot of their plane announced over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I regret to say that we have lost the use of the outer starboard engine.

But there is nothing to worry about. We still have three perfectly good engines which will get us to Shannon airport."

And an hour later the captain's voice was once again heard: "Ladies and gentlemen. It's the outer port engine that's gone this time.

But nothing to worry about, we still have two good engines."

Another half hour passed and once again the captain came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen. I do regret to announce that the inner starboard engine has gone... "

"Begorrah, Mick," Paddy turned to his mate with a worried expression. "If we lose that fourth engine, we'll not only miss the tee off, we'll be up here all night!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Naked distractions

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past.

Naturally, this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand.

As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again.

He was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways.

The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."

"What about the bucket of sand?"

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

No one ever swung too slowly.

~ Bobby Jones (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Forget the last shot. It takes so long to accept that you can't always replicate your swing. The only thing you can control is your attitude toward the next shot.

~ Mark McCumber (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Grip it and rip it. It works for John Daly. It never worked for me. All I did was wear out golf gloves.

~ Chuck Stark

Edited May 4, 2009 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not much of a fighter

The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game.

Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool.

He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor.

By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.

"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter was he?"

"Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs," said the barman gazing out the window.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Beginners first round

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf.

He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more.

He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game.

It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one.

Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner.

However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club.

You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Scratch Golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?”

“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.

“Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Play where it lies

2 duffers were standing at the first tee , agreeing to play the ball as it lay for the round.

The first golfer hit a beautiful tee shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway.

The second golfer was not so lucky, shanking his shot dead right with the ball coming to rest dead center on the cartpath.

“I get free relief from the cartpath”, the second golfer said. “Like hell you do,” said the first golfer, “We’re playing it as it lies, remember?”

So they hop in the cart, and the second golfer drops the first in the middle of th fairway at his ball.

Then he heads over to the cartpath to hit his shot.

The first golfer, looking back, begins to laugh to himself as he sees the first golfer making a nice amount of sparks on the concrete as he took his practice swing.

Then with another array of sparks, the first golfer nails his shot straight at the green. The ball lands softly and stops three feet from the pin.

Then he casually gets in the cart and drives back to the first golfer. “Great shot”, says the first golfer. “What club did you use?”

The second golfer smiles and says, “Your six iron”.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Operate

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Quek the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: What in common?

Q: What do three-putts and masturbation have in common ?

A: None of us will EVER admit doing it... but we all KNOW sooner or later will do it again.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The golf swing is like sex: you can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act while you're doing it.

~ Dave Hill (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

~ Brian Weis

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket: if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia. The ball changes everything.

~ Michael Bamberger (Sports Illustrators)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

~ Lord Robertson

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Golfer

A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: It was a golf term?

In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because it weighed less but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gas as a by-product.

The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up.

The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened.

Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today.

You probably didn't know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term . . .

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt.

~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The older you get the stronger the wind gets... and it's always in your face.

~ Jack Nicklaus (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.

~ John Updike (US Novelist)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What's wrong with golf ?

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when I put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A clear path to the green

Bill really enjoyed playing golf. He could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife Sally along) he was having an extremely bad round.

On the 12th hole, Bill sliced a drive over by a grounds keepers shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.

Without hesitation, Bill instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. Sally had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through.

After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, Bill cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

Bill avoided golf for a year. However, he finally recovered, remarried, and started playing golf with his new wife Jill. Again, on hole #12, he slices his drive to the shack.

Jill says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied Bill, "The last time I did that, I shot a 7 on the hole."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hitting my wife

Bill met Ralph one day after work at the local drinking establishment.

"Did you hear that my exclusive golf club fined me £50 for hitting my wife Sally with a 9-iron?" moaned Bill.

Ralph nodding his head sadly said, "Really? Was it for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?"

Bill responded as expected, "No, it was for using the wrong club."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play.

~ Gary Player (South Africa Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.

~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"In years past when men yelled and cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it is called golf"

~ Anonym

[crazygolfer]

Golf Poem:

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend..

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All..

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses..

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim

.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole..

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Fact: Golfer’s Habit

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: No Sport

Once there was a golfer. He was out looking for a catty for his tournament so he went called the hotline.

"Hello, I'd like to rent a catty for the day, please" said the golfer.

"What sport would that be under" said the voice on the other line.

"Put it under golf" replied the golfer.

The next day the golfers catty showed up for the tournament. they started playing and once they got to the second hole the catty broke into laughter.

"Why are you laughing" asked the golfer.

" No reason" replied the catty.

they began playing again and the catty kept on laughing

After the tournament the golfer said "you have to tell me what’s so funny"

"Its just that a sport is no sport if its golf"

'what do you mean?" asked the golfer

"A sport is no sport if the audience gets more exercise than the people playing, a sport is no sport if it involves driving around in a motorized cart. A sport is no sport if you have to wear a polo shirt to play it.

A sport is no sport if it involves sand, water and grass. A sport is no sport if the only contact made is between the club and the ball. A sport is no sport if the only people in the audience are over 70 years old.

A sport is not a sport if it's golf."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The strange new pro

"I don't know about that new pro," said Peter. "He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Fred.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Fred. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Attack

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Swing hard in case you hit it.

~ Dan Marino (US Superbowler)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

~ Jim Murray (US Sportwriter)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle (US Baseball Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Genie

One Sunday afternoon, a lady was playing golf. Suddenly she hooked a golf ball so hard it went sailing over everyone heads, and landed in the bushes.

The lady walked over to get it, a moving through the bushes she found the golf ball. Next to the ball was a shiny little lamp.

She couldn’t see the golf ball or the lamp because of the thick bushes so she grabbed the lamp and pulled it out.

Realizing she had grabbed a lamp instead she again reached back in and this time pulled the golf ball out.

Having no place else to put it, she stuck the lamp in her golf bag.

After the round of golf she sat in her car, looking at the shiny little lamp. She rubbed it for no apparent reason and, poof, a genie came out.

Startled, the woman asked the genie what it was.

“I am the genie from the lamp, I’ve been asleep for 10,000 years and as a reward for awakening me I will grant you 3 wishes, the only catch is whatever you wish for yourself your husband will get 10 times more than you.”

The woman nods and says. “That’s ok, whatever mine is my husbands and vice versa.”

She thinks for a while, first saying” I wish to have 5 million dollars.”

“Poof you have 5 million dollars but your husband has 50 million dollars.” replies genie replies twirling his fingers.

“That’s ok whatever mine is his, so I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

She said. “Poof you are the most beautiful woman in the world but your husband is the most beautiful man in the world.”

The woman nods and says “That’s ok whatever mine is his”

Suddenly she blurts out: “I wish to have a mild heart attack.”

“Poof you will have a mild heart attack but your husband will get 10 times more of one.”

The genie says. “That’s ok” says the woman “what’s his is mine “.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Annual Husband And Wife Golf Tournament

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were playing in their club’s annual “Husband and Wife” golf tournament.

Mr. Smith wasn’t happy about it, apparently his wife isn’t very good but she insisted on playing. To appease her, he reluctantly agreed.

All through the front nine she piddle paddled her way up to the tee, took what seemed like hours to hit her shot (which usually went only a few feet), and took her time back to the cart (only to drive a few more feet just to do this over again).

On the 14th tee, his patience had reached it’s limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens.

Unfortunately, he shanked it a bit and drove the ball right square into the back of his wife’s head - killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came in to speak with the husband. “Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife’s brain, which was the the cause of death.

But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.” “What is it?” asked Mr. Smith. “Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity.”

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.

~ Dave Kindred

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

To play golf you need goofy pants and a fat ass.

~ Happy Gilmore (1996 American sports comedy film)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Anything To Make Marriage Work

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane.

In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south.

She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately.

The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week.

For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?”

The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Speedy Golfer

A fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on.

As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.

He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.

He looks at the bewildered players and says “I say chaps could I play through, I’ve just heard the wife has had a terrible accident”.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

~ George Brett (US Baseball Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Fame is addictive. Money is addictive. Attention is addictive. But golf is second to none.

~ Marc Anthony (US Song Writer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Get out of that one

Happily innocent of all golfing lore, Sam's wife watched with interest the efforts of her man in the bunker to play his ball.

At last it rose amid a cloud of sand, hovered in the air and then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole.

"Oh my stars," Sam wife chuckled, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf is a mystery to her

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about. For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.

~ Dave Marr (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I lost everything

One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear.

'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?"

The husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you".

The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes". :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

~ Phyllis Diller