Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.

~ Anonymous

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Awoken in the night

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.

~ Don Adams (US Actor-Comedian)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

~ Jim Bishop (US Journalist)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

~ Jeff Foxworthy (US Comedian)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Leprechaun

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups.

Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.

After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the *****willows?" I like it. My kind of thread.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Nagging Wife

“Mildred, shut up” cried the golfer at his nagging wife, “Shut up or you’ll drive me out of my mind.”

“That,” said Mildred, “wouldn’t be a drive, it would be a short putt.” :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.

~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.

~ Dave Marr (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management.

~ Ben Hogan (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he's worse, he's neglecting his golf.

~ St Andrews Rotary Club Member

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two Dwarfes Playing Golf

Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection.

His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of "One, two, three ... uhh!" all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he cried. "I couldn't even get on the damn bed!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Naked Woman On The Golf Course

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods".

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.

Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady.

He said yes, they ran that way through the woods.

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love."

The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Through the ball we are all the same. We just have different ways of getting it there.

~ Charles Coody (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Concentrate on hitting the green. The cup will come to you.

~ Cary Middlecoff (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The older I get, the better I used to be.

~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Out Golfing

Two pollacks are out golfing and are stuck on the sixteenth green when a foursome comes to play through.

One guy asks, "What seems to be the trouble?"

The first pollack answers, "We both hit to green and when we got here one ball is in the cup and one is on the lip of the cup.

We both shoot Titleist #3 balls so we can't figure out who got the hole in one."

The other golfer looks at the two balls and replies, "Which one of you was playing the orange ball?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What’d you shoot today?

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will more than likely be your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

Edited May 19, 2009 by crazygolfer

[Guyeastsg]

Golf Joke: The Old Golfer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer

in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so

you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. It continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem! Just get that damn lion out of the way!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Old Golfer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer

in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

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:thumb: Any more Guyeastsg ..... thanks :clap:

Edited May 20, 2009 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.

~ Davis Love Jr. (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Missing a short putt does not mean you have to hit your next drive out of bounds.

~ Henry Cotton (British Golf Professiona)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

~ Bob Hope (US Actor/Comedian)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Is A Mystery

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I’m calling a Golf Pro

They got married and on their wedding night as they finish making love in their honeymoon suite the fellow turns to pick up the phone and she says "who are you calling?".

He said "Room Service, I'm so happy and so I'm ordering us up some champagne". She said "That's not what Arnold did, he made love to me again".

Fellow says "mm", put down the phone made love to her again then reached for the phone. She says "now who are you calling?" he said Room Service in which she quickly states "that's not what Arnie did, he made love to me again".

Fellow, mumbling says "I knew he wasn't my idol for nothing" then rolls over, makes love to her again then reaches for the phone. Once again she says "Who are you calling now?".

The fellow, somewhat gasping for air, says I'm calling ARNOLD PALMER I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT PAR ON THIS HOLE IS!!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Baseball reveals character; golf exposes it.

~ Ernie Banks (US Baseball Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

'Play it as it lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is 'Wear it if it clashes'.

~ Henry Beard (US Humorist)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.

~ Huxtable Pippey

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why is he so mad ?

His wife was a new and nervous player but Jim persuaded her to play against a new customer of his and his wife. "After all," he explained, "it will be a two-ball foursome. I'll drive off and by the time you have to hit the ball the client and his spouse will be elsewhere on the fairway and not watching you."

It was agreed and the game started as Jim had said it would. He hit off with a fine drive, right down the fairway about 320 metres leaving about four metres to the green. He handed his wife an iron and told her to aim for the green.

She sliced it with vigour into the deep rough at the side of the fairway. Two!

His shot from the rough was magnificent and landed the ball back on the fairway - this time about half a metre from the green. Three!

She whacked it right over the green and into the sandtrap on the other side. Four!

He was in brilliant form and he clipped it neatly from the sand onto the green about a metre from the hole.Five!

Her putt rolled off the green and into another sandtrap. Six!

His recovery landed three centimetres from the hole. Seven!

Her putt stopped at the green's edge. Eight!

His putt of thirteen metres went in. Nine!

The customer and his wife holed out with four. Jim's reaction was nothing too dramatic. He merely tore up his score card and ate it, broke three clubs and bent the remainder, jumped up and down on his golfcart and finally, shaking his fist at his wife, he strode off to the clubhouse.

His wife emerged from the sandtrap whence she had watched the performance. "I don't know what he's so mad about," she said. "After all, he had five; I only had four!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 80 year old golfer

MacDonald was aged 80 when, for the first time in his life, he walked into his golf club bar and ordered drinks for everyone

"What's the occasion, mon?" enquired the stunned bartender. "Hole in one?"

"No," the old highlander replied, "I've just married a bonnie lass!"

It was seven months later when MacDonald again strode into the bar and again ordered drinks all round.

"And what are we celebrating this time?" asked the amazed bartender.

"Tis the wife, lad, she's just presented me with a baby boy."

"But you've only been married seven months!"

"Tis true, 'tis true! Imagine it - two under par and me with a whippy shaft!" :whistle:

Edited May 21, 2009 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Why can't we play golf together

A noted doctor's wife asked him why he never would let her play golf with him.

"My dear," he replied, "there are three things a man must do alone: testify, die and putt."

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: You'll drive me mad

"Mildred, shut up," cried the golfer at his nagging wife. "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred, "that wouldn't be a drive. That would be a putt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Too nice for court

The sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window.

If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days.

"Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."

"And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband."

"How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Streaker

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long.

Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.

In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is - don't.

~ Tony Lema (US Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it.

~ Jim Dent (US Sportwriter)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

~ Henry Beard (US Humorist)

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: When were we married

You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married.

Course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank a 30 yard putt. :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead.

~ Tommy Bolt (US Golf Professional)

'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Problems

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching.

Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked.

"You see," said one of them, "my partner just had a stroke and now, these guys want to count it on the scorecard."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf is really tough

A notoriously lousy golfer goes with his friend to play a course that has a reputation of being very tough.

On the first tee, he tees up and takes a couple of practice swings, then swings in earnest, missing the ball completely.

After a couple of more practice swings, he tries again, and misses again. The third time was the charm: He swings, and REALLY misses.

Taking a breather, he turns to his friend and says: 'everything they say about this course is true ... it really is tough!'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

That putt had more breaks than a government job.

~ Brian Weis

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.

~ Sam Snead (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

~ Bruce Lansky

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First time of golfing

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh. yeah! , Sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

(Morale of the story: If you ever break a window while golfing, run like hell! )

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The most important shot in golf is the next one.

~ Ben Hogan (US Golf Legend)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

~ Thomas Mulligan

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The woods are full of long drivers.

~ Harvey Penick (US Teaching Golf Professional)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Attack

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"