Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Attracting the right sort

An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats.

He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder.

From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.

Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.

"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.

"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.

"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I'm drowning

Misjudging its depth, Ron went wading into the lake to retrieve his badly sliced ball.

Very quickly he was floundering out of his depth and as his tweed plus-fours became waterlogged, found himself in real' trouble.

"Help, I'm drowning!" he shouted to his partner.

"Don't worry," came the reply.

"You won't drown. You'll never keep your head down long enough."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A hot summer day

The summer day was a particularly hot one, but the Englishman who was on a golfing tour of the Continent gloried in the heat even though in Italy it had most of the locals gasping.

He was playing towards the fourth hole at Pisa's Golf and Country Club when he came across a player who was completely naked and cooling herself in the water hazard.

Being a discreet soul, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there. She took no notice.

"Er, I say, hello," he called hesitantly in case she hadn't heard his previous approach.

"Er, I believe I've taken you unawares."

"Well," came a languid reply, "you junta' putta' 'em back!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year.

Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A doctor, an architect

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fxxked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I kept her tee time

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome.

After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not much of a fighter

The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game.

Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool.

He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor.

By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.

"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter was he?"

"Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs," said the barman gazing out the window.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A golfing tourist

That he was a wealthy American tourist was obvious.

On his arrival at a small Irish hotel the tiny reception area became full in an instant.

Not only were there suitcases but also golf clubs, golf shoes, golf umbrellas and several boxes of balls.

"Surely now, sir," cried the manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake.

We've no golf course you see and you'll be finding there's not one within miles of the place."

"Well now, that's no problem," drawled the tourist. "I'm having one sent over with my heavy baggage."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What's wrong with golf ?

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fierce savages

Explorer: "There we were surrounded. Fierce savages very where you looked.

They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . "

Weary listener: "Golfers, probably."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Green Fees

The two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.

"I mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the front lawn.

Harry leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Too nice for court

The sky above was blue and cloudless.

Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window.

If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days.

"Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."

"And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband."

"How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I was playing before...

Let me inform you, young man," said the slow elderly golfer, "I was playing this game before you were born."

"That's all very well, but'd be obliged if try to finish it till die."

[Guest Golfer]

i do enjoy your writing, but why you dont try to arrange or organise a golf game for our community.can start from a very small group of may be 2 ball onward.

[crazygolfer]

i do enjoy your writing, but why you dont try to arrange or organise a golf game for our community.can start from a very small group of may be 2 ball onward.

Well, we did arrange a golf game at The Legends in JB about 3 years ago among BW golfers, it was participated by 12-13 golfers and it was a success. A year ago we tried to arrange again but it wasn’t a success as everyone seems to be very busy at last minute.

Anyway if you are interested, normally for long weekend I play in Batam. Do join me and my friend.

Pls contact me at my email: franc_sin@hotmail.com

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Confused Husband

Dear Deirdrie,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Confused Husband

John

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Anything for an ace

He'd been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything," he said, "anything to get a hole in one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.

"What did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired.

"Well would you give up half your sex life.'"

"Yes, Yes I would."

"It's a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight.

On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more.

"Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."

The golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish of its tail.

"We'd struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two new members

Saturday night and the clubhouse was crowded and noisy. The two players were drinking at the bar and discussing their game.

"Excuse me," the barman interrupted, "you're new members, aren't you?"

"Yes," replied one player, "but in all this crowd, how did you know?"

"You put your drinks down."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Three visitors

Three visitors to Royal Eastborne Club decided to join forces for a game but, of course, they first introduced themselves each other.

"My name is Avram Solomon", said the bearded gent, "but I'm not the Rabbi."

"My name is Attila, but I'm not the Hun", said the quietly spoken youth wearing glasses.

My n-n-n-name is M-M-M-Mary, said the shy young woman, "and I'm not a v-v-v-v-v-very good player."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I've just killed my wife

I've just killed my wife," cried the hysterical golfer rushing into the clubhouse.

"I didn't see her. She was behind me you see," he sobbed, "and I started my back swing and clipped her right between the eyes. She must have died on the instant."

"What club were you using?" asked a concerned bystander.

"Oh, the No. 2 iron."

"Oh, oh," murmured the other, "that's the club that always gets me into trouble too." :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How true are some of these!!!!! (Part 1)

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options:

you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he (or she) is to share ideas about the golf swing.

5. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

6. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to

compensate for all of your many other errors.

7. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

8. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

11. It's surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt.....for an 8.

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

14. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How true are some of these!!!!! (Part 2)

16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

17. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

19. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% skill.

20. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

21. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you

ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

22. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

23. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

24. To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e.,

backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

25. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands:

how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

26. Water hazards attract, fairways repel.

27. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

28. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,

your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

29. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Immovable obstruction

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.

Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away." :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Beginners first round

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 80 year old golfer

MacDonald was aged 80 when, for the first time in his life, he walked into his golf club bar and ordered drinks for everyone

"What's the occasion, mon?" enquired the stunned bartender. "Hole in one?"

"No," the old highlander replied, "I've just married a bonnie lass!"

It was seven months later when MacDonald again strode into the bar and again ordered drinks all round.

"And what are we celebrating this time?" asked the amazed bartender.

"Tis the wife, lad, she's just presented me with a baby boy."

"But you've only been married seven months!"

"Tis true, 'tis true! Imagine it - two under par and me with a whippy shaft!" :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Thanks for saving his life

An American tourist was playing golf in Scotland when he came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.

The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.

About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."

The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.

A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you the man who saved my son?"

"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.

"Well, would you have his cap?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: An odd cure

Peter was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Sharon had to go and get the test results from the doctor.

"Now Sharon, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Peter may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Peter needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle."

Sharon nodded and left. When she got home, Peter was anxious to find out what his test results were.

"Well Sharon, what did Doctor have to say? Sharon looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Kentucky

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Kentucky women.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'Coincidence'

Bob is playing a round of golf with his boss and there is nobody in front of them all the way up to the sixth hole.

When they get to the tee, which is a 180 yard par 3, and on the green they see a couple of women putting out, so the men wait, and wait and wait. after at least six puts each the women finally pick up and move to the next tee.

Bob's boss drives onto the green to about 3 feet and Bob drives into the greenside bunker. Bob plays a great shot out of the bunker and nearly holes out and gets his par, his boss then holes for birdie.

They move to the next tee and the women are only about a 100 yards down the fairway, one in the bunker and the other one in the trees! After watching them for about five minutes hacking away Bob turns to his boss and says that he was going to go and ask the women if they would allow them to play thro',and off he goes.

A few minutes later Bob comes running back and says that he can't ask them because one is his wife and the other is his mistress! so can you go and ask them, so his boss goes to ask them but soon he also comes running back and says what a coincidence, and YOUR FIRED!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'That what friend are for'

John returns home after a round of golf is wife say you look down whats up? well I am not enjoying my golf any more.

Why ask the wife . Well I can’t see were the ball lands. Well why not ask your pal Alex to go with you he's got good sight and the walk would do him good. Next week John on the first tee with Alex, are you ready Alex? Yes he replied

John tee off, did you see that Alex. Yes it was a great shot well played John, well where is it! Alex replied; Well John, I can’t remember.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'The Wife'

A married man is having a horrible time on the course, he is playing some amazingly shocking golf.

Well and truely miffed off he makes his way home, knocking on his front door his wife answers, quick as a flash the man punches her square in the face. On the floor with blood pouring from her nose she is sobbing and asks him

"Why did you do that". He replies "Well I've hit everything else fat today"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'death bed confessions'

An old boy in his nineties had worked for the golf club all his life. He was on his deathbed and he called his wife to bring an old shoe box that he'd always kept on top of the wardrobe.

She tottered over, stood shakily on a chair and brought down the box. When she opened it she discovered 2 golf balls and about £300 pounds in cash. She asked him what it was all about.

Well he quavered, every time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage I put a ball in the box. At first she was taken aback but then she thought, well goodness me, we've been married for seventy years and even I had the odd crush during that time.

She says I forgive you, now tell me about this money? Well, he says, every time I got 3 balls I took them down the pro shop and got a quid for them!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'Putting advice'

John had been onto his friend Bill for months to play this new club he'd joined, the most difficult greens in the county he boasted. Finally he relented.

All went well until the Par 3, 5th which had a very large green and Bill's tee shot had just edged onto the side.

He faced not only several yards to the hole but a long swale that went diagonally across the green. "What the hell do I do with this John". "Just keep it low Bill, keep it low".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'Par for the hole'

A man meets a woman on the golf course, and they get along pretty well during the game. After the 18th, they head off to a hotel and soon after, they are right into it.

When they finished, he rolled over and reached for the phone. "who are you calling?" she asked. "Room service - I wouldn`t mind a drink."he said. "Greg Norman only asks for a drink after he has done it twice." she replied.

So, he drops the phone, hops on again and they are once more involved. He rolls off, and reaches for the phone again. "Who are you calling now?" "Room service - I`m a bit hungry." "Greg Norman only asks for food after he has done it THREE times" she said.

He looks a bit worried, but puts the phone down and manages to entertain her one more time. He rolls off and reaches once more for the phone. "Who are you calling NOW??!!" she asked. "Greg Norman - I want to find out what is par for this f***ing hole!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Teaching Wife to Golf

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"

"That was the last thing I remember." :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'Silent Order'

A professional golfer and well known pokerstars had been employed in the industry for over 30yrs and had lost the drive and desire for the game.

He admitted to his closest friend that he had always wanted to be a monk and with that he joined a local order. The chief abbot explained to him that this was a silent order and he would only be allowed to speak when he saw him in seven years time.

After seven years the chief abbot asked him how he was and he replied okay but could he have a blanket as it got very cold on the stone floor in the winter. A further seven years passed and the chief abbot called him in to see how he was settling in, he replied okay and he was pleased with the blanket but could he have some new slippers as his others had worn out.

Armed with his new slippers off he went. On the anniversary of 21yrs in the silent order he went in to see the chief abbot and said he thought he really wasn't cut out for this sort of life and he would like to leave, well my son said the chief abbott: I'm glad you've made that decision because ever since you have been here you done nothing but moan and winge!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Terminology

Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.

Oxymoron: an easy par three.

A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.

Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.

Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.

Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.

In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.

Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.

Edited October 1, 2009 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 10 Things in Golf that sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter

2. Oh shit my shafts all bent

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

6. Lift your head and spread your legs

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired

8. Just turn your back and drop it

9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls

10. Damn, I missed the hole again

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don't stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

1. Don't take extra strokes.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Golfer

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods.

His next shot went into a few trees.

He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.

Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Is A Mystery

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Scoring the Golf Game

Perhaps you are aware of the scoring system in Golf.

2 over Par -- Double Bogey

1 over Par -- Bogey

Even Par -- Par

1 under Par -- Birdie

2 under Par -- Eagle

If you get a hole-in-one, it's called an "Ace."

What is the score for 6 under? Payne Stewart. :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The three golfers

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were playing golf with there wives and were just teeing off. The Englishman's wife bent over to place her ball on the tee when a swift breeze blew her skirt up, revealing she had no panties on.

The Englishman said" Bloody Hell women, where are your knickers?" and his wife said, You don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford a pair. So the Englishman reaches in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds, go buy yourself some underwear woman"!

Next the Irishman's Wife bent to tee off when a swift breeze blew her skirt up as well, revealing she had no panties on. The Irishman said" Sweet Mary and Joseph women, where are your undies?" and his wife said, I can't afford a pair on the little money you give me.

So the Irishman reaches in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go buy yourself some knickers woman"!

Finally the Scotsman's wife prepared to tee off. The wind whips up and sends her skirt over her head, revealing that she too is naked underneath.

"Lassie, Why do ye have no knickers?" And his wife answered "you don't give me the money to afford one pair." The Scotsman reached in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!". :oops:

[clementi]

Joke: Perfect Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Here's your tee time

There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground.

His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow.

He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.

One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel.

It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.

The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.

"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.

"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.

"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.

"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"

"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.

"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"

"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes."

With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.

True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.

John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."

"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.

"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."

"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.

"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad! news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting Landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get in a loving mood, I also get a headache"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ants

An amateur golfer hit his ball into the rough. After searching for several minutes, he finally located it, sitting right on top of a large anthill. He squared up, took a big swing-- missing the ball completely. Hundreds of innocent ants died. He stepped back, swung again-- and missed, killing even more ants.

The ball was still sitting there: but by now, the ants were panicking. As they were scurrying in every direction, one ant finally had an idea. "Follow me," he shouted authoritatively.

"OK," said another ant, "but where are we going?"

The first ant pointed to the golf ball in front of them and said, "It's obvious if we don't get on the ball, we're all going to die"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Worst golfer

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, 'You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.'

The caddy replied, 'I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad tempered golfer

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods.

After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with.

In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones". :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad tempered golfer

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods.

After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with.

In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones".