Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ambitions of Poorer Players

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Negotiations

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the 'supposedly' ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Older Golfer

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The 10 Best Caddie Replies

# 10

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Putting Advice

John had been onto his friend Bill for months to play this new club he'd joined, the most difficult greens in the county he boasted. Finally he relented.

All went well until the Par 3, 5th which had a very large green and Bill's tee shot had just edged onto the side.

He faced not only several yards to the hole but a long swale that went diagonally across the green.

"What the hell do I do with this John".

"Just keep it low Bill, keep it low".

[Guest thatwasrunie]

Number 2 joke was insanely funny!

[crazygolfer]

Number 2 joke was insanely funny!

Hmmmm, another golfer?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer’s wedding

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!" :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.

The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.

The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18-holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Golfer

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees.

He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Twosome

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.

The tall, stately gentleman said, We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Ten O'Clock Tee Time

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said: "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only if it’s raining

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole.

Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face.

Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said `only if it's raining"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Wife Left Me

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Is A Mystery

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Spare Change

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

Once again the bum replies, "No."

"Will you make bets at the golf course?"

Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"

Will you go to a dance?

No I don't dance either.

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Best Round of Golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I wish for longer legs

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out come a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round."

As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Truth

On the way to meet his regular foursome, Joe gets delayed in heavy traffic. When he finally gets to the club the starter tells him that he had no choice but to send off his three buddies. "But", the starter says, "there's a really nice lady who's ready to go."

Joes protests but the starter says that she's very nice and a decent player. Joe finally decides to play with her. During their round, Joe realizes that he's having a great time with her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the starter said, she's a terrific player.

Joe invites her into the clubhouse for a drink after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks in two hours time. He then asks her to go out for dinner, and she accepts his offer.

After a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites Joe to her home for a little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing and fooling around, then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees it's 11:00 PM and says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time. I've got to get home to my wife" and he bolts out the door.

When he gets home his wife asks him where he was.

He then tells her, "Honey I can't believe what I've done. I strayed. I was on my way to playing with the guys early this morning and I got caught in traffic. When I got there, they had been sent out and the starter sent me out with this woman. We were playing and having a really nice time.

We had drinks, then we went out for dinner, then she invited me back to her place, we had coffee and before I knew it we were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes were flying, having sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I had to run home to you, and here I am".

She thought about it for a minute, looked at him and said, "You played 36 holes didn't you?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Practical Golf Widow

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Mines still in the crate

A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"

The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.

The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."

The doctor replied, "You’re going to have to bear with it." Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."

The man pulls out his dick and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Backspin?

Amateur: “How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: ``About 130.''

Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Kiss me .........

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance.

Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood.

It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser.

Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Water Works, Or Not?

John being a spritely 85 years old and his golf buddy Frank a mere 73 years had just retired to the 19th for a welcome cup of tea.

When Frank asked John if he had any problems with his water works. John replied, no I’m regular as clock work; 6.30am I take a leak, then at 7.00am I take a dump everyday 7 days a week.

That’s amazing, Frank replies, I don’t seem to hold it in like I used to, how do you do it?

Don’t know John says. 6.30am I take a leak, then at 7.00am I take a dump everyday 7 days a week.

Don’t you have any problems asks Frank. Well just the one replies John. I don’t get up till 7.30am.

[worldangel]

Golf Joke: Mind your language

An Australian touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.

"Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds.

A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.

"Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Black Balls

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year.

"In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.

"Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black," asked the American.

"No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Naked distractions

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past.

Naturally, this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past.

This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. He was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."

"What about the bucket of sand?"

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Learning to play golf

Me wife says to me one day "Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin'?"

So I go next door and ask my neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?"

He: "Sure. Have you got some balls and a club?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll Tee-off."

Me: "Tee-off? Whats this Tee-off?"

He: "Oh, its just a golf term and we'll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse."

Me: "Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I'll Tee-off in private if you don't mind."

He: "(chuckle) No no, a Tee's that little thing about the size of your little finger."

Me: (them damn women been talk'n again)

He: "Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Me: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

He: "No, you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee."

Me: "Isn't that strechin' things a bit far?"

He: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Zippered bag or velcro?"

Me: "?...........neither."

He: "Oh, well how do you hold your club?"

Me: "Two fingers."

He: "No, no. That's not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing."

Me: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind."

He: "O.K., look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."

Me: "No, no, that's my brother Jimmy you're thinking' of."

He: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

Me: "I can well believe that."

He: "Then when your on the green . . ."

Me: "What's the green thing?"

He: "Ah, thats where the hole is."

Me: "You color blind?"

He: "No, why?"

He: "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."

Me: "Whats a putter?"

He: "The smallest club made"

M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

He: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

Me: "You mean the putter?"

He: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."

Me: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talkin' about, because I've seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."

He: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

Me: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I'm in the 18th one?"

He: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

Me: "Sheeez!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The problem with bifocals

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers.

Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:

That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc.

Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why not night golf ?

It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play.

Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: "Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all blind; they're taking part in a special event."

After hearing this, the foursome immediately reconsidered. The first one said, "Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees." The second replied, "And I'll pay for their carts." Predictably, the third member said, "Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them." The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: "And what are you going to do for them?"

The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted, "To hell with them, they could have played last night!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The deaf mute golfer

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph".

Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.

After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.

The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious.

The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Killed by a slice

A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.

On the first morning, he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.

The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.

"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.

"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers.

"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.

"No," says the golfer.

"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."

"That's terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"

"You want to drop your left shoulder."

[Cruiser]

Golf Joke: True Singaporean Spirit

A priest, a doctor, a rich businessman (all Australians)

and a Singaporean were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group

of golfers in front of them.

The Singaporean fumed... 'What's with those jerks?

We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've

never seen such poor golf.'

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper.

Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's

wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a

group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse

from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say

a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist

colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate

$50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

And the Singaporean said, 'Tiu nia seng, why can't

these f###ker play at night ??!!'

.... now, that's the true Singaporean spirit!!!!

[crazygolfer]

Thank you for your contribution, Cruiser. :thumb: Any more?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only once a week

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Equal privileges

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course.

Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Use old golf balls

Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.

"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.

"Cos I've never bloody had one!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: No free lift

A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds.

By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.

Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.

The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.

At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Considering my impediment...

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Kawasaki

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A scratch golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The visiting relative

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of the most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice.

There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Red faced lady golfer

The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player.

At each swipe she made at the ball earth flew in all directions.

"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."

"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What's my handicap

He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.

"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"

"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Use old golf balls

Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.

"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.

"Cos I've never bloody had one!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Play it as it lays

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260.

They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path.

Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A compatible gentleman

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Finer Reasons To Golf

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf.

"What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."

"Screw that," said his friend.

"I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A compatible gentleman

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."