Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My desire to marry you

This fellow and gal had been playing golf together every weekend for about 3 years. One day as they are on the 5th hole the fellow said "You know we've been playing golf for a number of years and we enjoy the same things so I'd like to ask your hand in marriage?"

The lady said "mm, well let me think on it that's quite a surprise. So as they reached the 14th tee she said "I've been considering your proposal but before I could possibly accept I have to make you aware of something.

I was watching Arnold Palmer in a tournament and he happened to notice me watching and asked me to dinner. I accepted, of course, but also I went to bed with Arnold".

The fellow said "I'll be darn, that's incredible, he's my idol and it absolutely doesn't remove my desire to marry you".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: He's a liar

A group of golfers was searching for one of their golf balls out in the deep rough.

After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream out.

"He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Language of Golf

Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.'

Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150.

He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'

'That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf and Beer?

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?' No, I had to stop drinking years ago, 'the homeless man replied.

'Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?' the man asked.' No, I don't waste time fishing, 'the homeless man said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?' the man asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless man. 'I haven't played golf in 20 years!'

'Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?' the man asked.' What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?' exclaimed the homeless man.

'Well, 'said the man, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.' The homeless man was astounded.' Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The man replied, 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad! news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting Landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get in a loving mood, I also get a headache."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ants

An amateur golfer hit his ball into the rough. After searching for several minutes, he finally located it, sitting right on top of a large anthill. He squared up, took a big swing-- missing the ball completely. Hundreds of innocent ants died. He stepped back, swung again-- and missed, killing even more ants.

The ball was still sitting there: but by now, the ants were panicking. As they were scurrying in every direction, one ant finally had an idea. "Follow me," he shouted authoritatively.

"OK," said another ant, "but where are we going?"

The first ant pointed to the golf ball in front of them and said, "It's obvious if we don't get on the ball, we're all going to die!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lessons

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Play Golf

“I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Be Careful

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: After Death

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him.

Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here," he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does!" And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed, "Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."

He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!"

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate.

"Come over here and see what I have to offer."

Michael peers through the gate and he is elated!

There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen!

He turns to the Devil and says, "Yeah....I want to play THAT course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said, "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?

The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh that........There aren't any."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Resort

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00." He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?

Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bribe

The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Paying An Invoice

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earnings."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Talkative Golfer

A talkative golfer complained to a friend one day about a rude fellow who was in the clubhouse with him. "The man must have yawned four or five times while I was talking," he said.

"Maybe he wasn't yawning," the friend commented. "Maybe he was trying to say something."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Little Round White Balls

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well-known golf course. On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll.

Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice.

There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Course

"Say, Ralph, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?"

"Sorry, I can't."

"Why not?"

"The doctor told me I can't play."

"Oh, he's seen your game, too?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Match Play

Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.

Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.

"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."

"Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies."

And so Bill did.

After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.

Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.

As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?"

"Your 6 iron," says Bill.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: New Game

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.

It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"

...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

[Guyeastsg]

Golf Joke: The Frog and Golfer

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Water Works, Or Not?

John being a spritely 85 years old and his golf buddy Frank a mere 73 years had just retired to the 19th for a welcome cup of tea.

When Frank asked John if he had any problems with his water works.

John replied, no I’m regular as clock work; 6.30am I take a leak, then at 7.00am I take a dump everyday 7 days a week.

That’s amazing, Frank replies, I don’t seem to hold it in like I used to, how do you do it?

Don’t know John says. 6.30am I take a leak, then at 7.00am I take a dump everyday 7 days a week.

Don’t you have any problems asks Frank. Well just the one replies John. I don’t get up till 7.30am.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in Heaven

A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.

"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."

"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvellous news."

"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ed and Judy

Ed and Judy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Judy responded, "If we're being honest with each other... Well, here goes......I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes - Golf Is A Mystery

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Didn't Yell Fore

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"Iﾒm sorry, I didnﾒt have time to yell fore," says the poor golfer.

"Thatﾒs funny", replies the other guy, "because you had plenty of time to yell s***!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: S&M Golfing

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lester and Jake

Two golfers, Jake and Lester, were playing golf and came upon a water hole.

Jake teed up and hit the ball into the middle of the pond.

He reached into his bag to find that he was out of balls. Then he asked Lester for a ball.

He proceeded to hit it into the pond as well.

This went on for 3 or 4 more times.

Then, when he asked Lester for yet another ball, Lester said, "Jake, theseball cost me a pretty penny,"

Jake replied "Oh, Lester, if you can’t afford to play the game, you shouldn’t be out here!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Arriving Late

One golfer asked his friend, "Why did you get here so late for your tee time?"

His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church or playing golf."

"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."

"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Facts - The True Rules of Golf

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Everythings about golf

What's the best thing about golf?

You can spend your Sunday with a gang of hookers and your wife won't mind.

Why should you always carry two pairs of trousers when playing golf?

In case you get a hole in one.

What's the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?

A guy will spend five minutes looking for a lost ball.

What do golf and sex have in common?

They are two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at them.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!

What's the difference between a Skoda and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

What do you need to shoot these days to win a pro golf tournament?

Tiger Woods

Why do the ladies love Greg Norman?

He always comes second.

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn!" ... A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn!" ... WHACK.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Setup

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Maintain a loose grip at all times.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a fast backswing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you're taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Keep quiet whilst others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take needless extra strokes.

Now you're finished, flush the toilet, wash your hands and get ready to tee off.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer's Wife

After a truly terrible round of golf, a married man sullenly makes his way home. He knocks on the door and is greeted by his wife. Without warning, he punches her squarely on the nose.

Sobbing, blood streaming, she asks "Why did you do that?"

"Well I've hit everything else fat today"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Windscreen Wiper

A group of golfers line up at the 10th after a pretty ordinary round. Jack hits a gigantic drive that hooks badly out of the course and into the car park and smashes a windscreen. Not wanting to get banned, the golfers carry on hoping no-one noticed.

When they approach the 18th a policeman approaches, "Did any of you hook the ball out on the 10th?". Jack begrudingly admits to his crime.

"Well, the ball went clean through the windscreen, the shock caused the 82 year old driver to have a heart attack"

"Sorry officer, what should I do?"

"Well try opening your stance a little"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Caddy

Interviewing for a new caddy, the golfer introduces himself and beings asking questions.

"I need a caddy who can count and keep my score properly. So what's 5 and 4 and 3 add up to?"

"10" replies the caddy.

"You're hired!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wife Beater

"Did you hear I got fined $100 for hitting my wife with a 3-wood?"

"For ungentlemanly conduct?"

"No, for using the wrong club - they recommend a 9-iron."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Day At The Range

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"

Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."

"Why not?" He asks.

Pro says " I don't think you can keep your head down that long"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gotcha

At a fancy country club, a new member insulted the best golfer at the club by accident.

The Better golfer challenged him to one game of golf and offered $5000 to the guy if he won.

The new member says, "Alright, I'll accept, but only on one condition...you have to let me get two "Gotcha's" during the game." Not knowing what a "Gotcha" was, and not really caring, he accepted to the terms.

So the new guy and the old pro go out to the first hole, the new guy teeﾒs off and makes a fairly good shot. The pro then steps up confidently, sets his ball down, starts to swing, and the new guy runs up, grabs his balls and yells, "Gotcha!"

The ball goes far to the left and the pro, angry and embarassed stomps off after it.

Several hours go by and the to competitors return to the country club after their round of golf and the other members see the old pro take out his checkbook and write the new guy the promised $5000.

The pro walks in and sits down, furiously. The others ask him how he lost and he replies, "Let's see you play a good game while waiting for the second "Gotcha"!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Top Ten Signs You'll Never Break 100

The starter sees you coming and quickly puts out a sign that says: No Swing, No Clue, No Service.

You’ve never shot your age but you have shot your cholesterol count.

Your idea of an athlete is John Daly downing a frosty tall one with a cigarette dangling off his lip.

You refuse to post a score until Florida does a hand recount of each hole.

Your name is Tripp Bogart, but you’re better known as Triple Bogey.

The only eagle you ever had was confiscated by a Fish and Game official.

Every year you attend the Million Mulligan Man March.

You'd much rather break 100 hymens.

Instead of practicing, you buy magic birdie beans from a gypsy woman.

After 18 holes, your buddy wants to play another round but you'd rather cuddle.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Two of the Best Balls Hit

Glen came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was.

He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

"I stepped on a rake."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: More Golf Truths

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fatal Golf Shot

A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death.

"We were on the third hole," the widower relates.

"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replies That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?

'`Oh," says the man, "that was my provisional."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Finer Reasons To Golf

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf.

"What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."

"Screw that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Couple Meets

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love.

They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Cheating Wife

Bill and Shirley are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Shirley, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Bill, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Shirley, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Bill, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Shirely, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Bill, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. Johnson came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Shirley, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Bill, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 15 votes short?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Love Poem

I think that I shall never see

a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly

if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,

and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend

to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,

while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me

who cannot ever miss a tree.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Didn't Yell Fore

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and

into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

when the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended

victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I’m sorry, i didn’t have time to yell fore," says the poor golfer.

"That’s funny", replies the other guy, "because you had plenty of time to yell s***!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Politically Correct Country Club

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?

Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Unwritten Rules of Golf

• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse

• Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

• When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

• The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

• If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Excuses For When You Must Play Golf!

• I always play well when it rains.

• I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

• I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today

• I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

• I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.

• I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

• I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

• I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes

• I can expense it for business purposes.

• I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

• I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew

• I can pass gas, and no one cares.

• I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 100.