Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Real Golf Definitions

Fairway: An unfamiliar track of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Where your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it and in most case no where near it.

Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

Oxymoron: An easy par-3.

Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.

Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 60-yard worm burner.

Golf Balls: See also, water magnets.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Play As It Lies

Bill and Nick, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots.

Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Nick slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays."

So Nick drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Nick drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Nick responds, "Your five iron."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Could have been worse

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him.'"

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How?"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Suing Golfer

A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball.

"Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I'll sue you for five million dollars!"

The other golfer replied, "I said 'fore'!"

The first golfer then said, "I'll take it!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Fortune Teller

Golfer: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

Fortune Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

Golfer: "What's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Worse Golfers??!!

Myself and a fellow caddy recently helped two aged couples around our course.

Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed "I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?"

My friend the caddy replied that "there are plenty worse than you sir but they are no longer playing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Great One Liners

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman. He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,

" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Tiger Woods. Can I go now?

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln.

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: What’s the difference?

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?

A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: More Golf Truths

When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot.

Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind.

While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars.

Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole.

Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition.

Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice.

Your favourite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.

Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone.

Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact whom you can't afford to humiliate.

Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How True in Golf (Part 1)

Always concede the fourth putt.

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How True in Golf (Part 2)

It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.

The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.

The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.

The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.

The only downwind holes are par threes.

The people in front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing too quickly.

The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.

The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.

The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.

The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.

Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.

Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.

When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Left-handed Golfer

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not? Don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? ( .... with a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND:

( Makes audible groan )

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably .... it is still new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

( ---- Long icy silence ---- )

HUSBAND:

( Shit!! F#*&^%$#@Ck!!! )

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 'Different Golf Course'

Once, there was a middle-aged man named Herman who decided to try a different golf course than his usual.

On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.

As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.

Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.

Herman then asks Elmer, "What the hell was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day, that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her. The person who catches her gets to carry her back."

Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"

Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Greenside Manner

A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play.

But on the 9th green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.

"Oh no," the husband exclaims, "you're having a heart attack!"

"Help me, dear," the wife implores, "find a doctor."

The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting!?" she asks incredulously.

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" the wife valiantly asks.

"No time at all," her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: It’s still in the Crate

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gotcha

Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.

"But," Marvin said to the pro, "since you're so much better than me, you have to give me two 'gotchas'."

"A 'gotcha'?" the golf pro asked, "what's that?"

"Don't worry," Marvin replied, "I'll use one of my 'gotchas' on the first tee and you'll understand."

The golf pro figured that whatever 'gotchas' were, giving up only two of them was no big deal - especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.

Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!

The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.

"Well," the pro said, "I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled 'Gotcha!' "

The club pro just shook his head. "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Mermaid

Bud the golfer sets off on a round-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.

Months go by and there's no sign of rescue, and not even a soccer ball to keep him company. Then one day Bud sees a beautiful mermaid coming out of the surf, heading straight toward him.

The mermaid stops two feet in front of Bud and asks him in sexy voice, "Would you like a drink?"

Bud doesn't have to think about his answer. "You bet!" he nearly shouts.

The mermaid opens the vest she's wearing, reaches in and pulls out an ice-cold beer.

Then she asks, "Would you like a cigar?" And Bud quickly answers, "You bet!"

The mermaid opens her vest even more and pulls out a Tatuaje Cigar, which Bud lights up immediately with the lighter the mermaid also gives him.

The mermaid bats her eyes, opens her vest even more, and coos to Bud, "And would you like to play around?"

"Wow!" Bud says, "You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Octagenerian

An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!

The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispell their reactions. "I hit the ball pretty good," he said, "but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers."

"Aha!" thought the whippersnappers. "Our course doesn't have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we'll take his money for sure."

When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting. "Would you like to play?" he asked the old man. "And maybe we can make it interesting - what do you say, put a little money on it?"

The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play. "How many strokes do you need?" asked Harvey, who was only 55. "Oh, I don't need any strokes," the old man said, "my game is really good. The only problem I'm having right now is getting out of deep bunkers."

Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey's 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.

The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots. "Hmmm," Harvey thought, "he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven't really got to one of those yet ... just be patient, I know he'll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green."

Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.

"I've got him now!" Harvey thought.

The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.

Harvey had seen enough. "Dang it!" he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. "I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!"

"Oh, I do," the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. "Can you give me a hand?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Week:

Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.

~ Dave Marr (Golf Champion & TV Commentator)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lost Golf Ball

The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy.

"Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?" he asked.

"Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: At The Water Cooler

Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend?" asked Don.

"Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave.

"Fishing, eh?"

"No, golfing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Again?

"You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctors orders." replied her husband.

"Do I look stupid to you?" she screamed.

"But its true," he said, walking out the door.

"He specifically told me I should get some iron everyday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Green Balls

A man enters the golf pro shop and looks all around, frowning.

After watching him for a bit, the pro asks him what he wants.

"I can't find any green golf balls," the man replies.

"Well, I don't think they make them, but I can check."

The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, even calls all the ball manufacturers.

Sure enough, no one makes green golf balls.

As the man walks out the door, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Do You Play?

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at airport, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Laws Of Golfing (Part 1)

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Laws Of Golfing (Part 2)

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: You Know, Caddy?

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods.

He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots.

He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.

The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.

The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Swindler

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Peter remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jimmy anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Peter indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Peter with finality.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Partner

Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John in the games anymore.

Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda.

'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Small World

Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

Alex comments to Jim, 'Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?'

Jim gets about halfway there, turns and comes back so Alex asks, 'What's wrong?'

Jim replies, 'One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.'

Alex responds, 'That could be a problem. I'll go over and have a word.'

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

So Jim says ,'What's wrong?'

Alex murmurs, 'Small world.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

'You know,' smarmed Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?'

'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?' Came her quick response.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Golf Club's annual dance. He attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

'You know,' smarmed Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me.

What do you think my handicap is?'

'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?' Came her quick response.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Vacationing Golfer

A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before.

He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer mis-hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards.

He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Too foggy to see

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "Which one of you used the orange one ?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The strange new pro

"I don't know about that new pro," said Peter. "He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Fred.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Fred. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: LOFT

There are three men who wanted to learn how to play golf, so they hired a golf instructor. The instructor asked the three men to hit the golf ball as far as they can. One man hit way to the right, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!"

Then the second man hit it way to the left, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!"

Then the third man hit the golf ball two feet ahead of him, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!"

The three puzzled men asked the instructor what "LOFT" meant.

The instructor simply said, "Lack of freaking talent!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Language of Golf

Phil, a member at a famous Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.'

Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The pro and the JP

The Justice of the Peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson.

But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.

But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."

"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How is that dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Backspin

An amateur was talking to his golf pro.

Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: "About 130.''

Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back !?''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf and Beer?

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?' No, I had to stop drinking years ago, 'the homeless man replied.

'Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?' the man asked.' No, I don't waste time fishing, 'the homeless man said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?' the man asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless man. 'I haven't played golf in 20 years!'

'Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?' the man asked.' What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?' exclaimed the homeless man.

'Well, 'said the man, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.' The homeless man was astounded.' Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The man replied, 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First Prize

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel.

He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked, "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My 7-Iron

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas."

He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The docotr says,"H'm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Genie

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers: 'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Could have been worse

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him.'"

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How?"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Genie in a Bottle

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice towards one of the houses. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove over to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon

further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied. The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed.

The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And he still believes in all this Genie nonsense?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: At Dentist’s Clinic

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thinks to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and says, "Honey, open your mouth and show him."