Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Tiger Style

A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my wife during her pregnancy?"

The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal style!"

"OK", said the man.

"The next three months you should do it like dog style..."

"Yeah... OK!"

"And the last three months you should do it like tiger style."

The man replies, "Tiger Style?? What's that?"

The doctor explains, "Tiger Woods style... Sleep with other women!!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Love Poem

I think that I shall never see

a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly

if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,

and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend

to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,

while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me

who cannot ever miss a tree.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Alternate Shot

A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.

His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt..

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I Can't Wait to Die

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together.

They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them around the place.

Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.

Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the rough.

The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven!

We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever!

What's wrong with you?"

Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Women Have a Fine-Tuned Bullshit Detector

George came home from golfing well after dark.

His wife, Beth, asked him where had he been for such a long time.

He told her that after his 8:00 am round of golf, he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire.

He said that he went back to her place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.

Beth replied, "You S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why Single Golfers Aren't as Fat as Married Golfers

I attended a golf convention in London over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers; specifically, I was interested in late afternoon league golfers.

This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.

The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer. The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Wife's Choice

Jim, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day.

The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."

Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."

Jim said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Domestic Violence

Tommy met Joe one day after work at the local drinking establishment.

"Did you hear that my exclusive golf club fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?" moaned Tommy.

Joe, nodding his head sadly said, "Really? Was it for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?"

Tommy responded as expected, "No, it was for using the wrong club."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Best. Trade. Ever.

Eric and Scott step up to the first tee box.

Eric says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

Scott replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: That Was One Hard Putt

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship.

They make it into a sudden-death play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, and they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!"

"That putt was no longer than my dick."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Edited February 5, 2011 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Marriage Counselor

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success.

Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Handicap 27

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door.

"Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Monster Lighter

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch Bic?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Take My Wife, Please

Freddy called his friend in tears.

"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Freddy.

"He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Story of Cow's Tail

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wish for Longer Legs

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one.

He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie.

"I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears.

Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change.

"Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round."

As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger.

In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock.

"Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this."

So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Golf Buddy

A buddy of mine has been acting a bit depressed lately. We were playing golf and he was getting increasingly upset at his poor performance.

"Dude, relax," I said. "If I want to hear a bunch of yelling and swearing I'll go visit my inlaws."

"I'm sorry, man, I've been having some problems at home."

"Yeah, like what?" I asked because I thought I should pretend to care.

"It's kind of personal."

"OK," I said teeing up my ball.

"Well, if you must know, I've been having erectile problems. I think it's because I may have a heart condition."

"You don't have a heart condition," I said taking my practice swing. "You have a fxxking ugly wife."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Goodbye Kiss

The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.

"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"

His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down to play cards.

After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"

"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with multi million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you�I�m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I�m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I�d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I�ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it�s the least I could do. And you, ma�am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I�ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven�t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don�t mind, honey, I don�t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he�s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Terrible Weather

There was a golfer who played golf every Saturday and Sunday, regardless of the weather.

One Saturday, per his usual routine, he left the house early and headed for the golf course.

It was so bitter cold that, for once, he decided he wouldn’t play golf that day and went back home.

When he arrived home, his wife was still in bed so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife and said “terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

Have a great weekend!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First Putting Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t"'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Attached

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why Women Should Never Play The 'What If' Game...

"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.

"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, lamb." he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."

"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.

"Yes," replied the trapped husband.

"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.

"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.

"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."

"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Worst Golfing Buddy

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.

I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always

playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither did he."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Rectum Ball

Larry got a call from the coroner, who wanted to talk about his wife's recent death.

Larry told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Kimberly, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"

"Oh," said Larry. "That was my provisional."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Wife's Gonna Leave Me

"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."

"What are you going to do?"

"I dunno, but I'm sure going to miss her."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Not a Chance

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the god damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Never Miss a Chance to Play St. Andrews

Fred, playing as a single at St. Andrews was teamed with a two-some.

After a few holes, the two-some finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.

"So did I," he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Driven to Murder

A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.

This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.

Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.

Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.

"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"

"I'll put you down for a 5" says the Detective.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Three Unmarried Men

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Sunny Sunday Morning

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: I am a Hooker

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Tee-off Time

A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.

"Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven."

"That is wonderful!" Henry replies.

"Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfing in Africa

An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked at his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab, and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course.

He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he'd never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other.

The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer.

Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle, and shot the animal dead.

Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach, and parred the hole.

The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie's rifle.

By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable -- and obviously was a good shot -- so they played on.

The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him.

Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn't move.

Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, "Aren't you going to do something?"

The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you don't get a shot on this hole."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Forgot Something

A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake and retrieved his clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Private Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Engineer at the Golf Course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: 10 Minutes Late

So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.

Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all.

Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: First-Time Golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup, " the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Ball Hunt

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Ribbit

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply’s "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Green Fees

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Getting Married

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Two Worms

One day, very early in the morning while two worms were under a golf course. One worm says to the other "Check above ground and see if it is raining". The other worm agrees.

At the same exact moment two women were on the course playing an early game. One woman was complaining about how bad she had to piss. The second woman says "Just go right here, nobody's around". So the first woman squats at the exact same moment the second worm comes up from underground.

"So, is it raining?" asked the first worm. "Yeah it's raining, in fact it's raining so hard the birds have turned their nests upside down.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfing with a Stranger

One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him.

The man says ok and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.

"I’m a hit man," the man replies.

The man laughs and says, "That’s funny, what do you really do?"

The man says, "I’m really a hit man, look in my golf bag."

The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.

"Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"

The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too.

The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"

The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.

"Then I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping."

The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.

The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"

"Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I’m trying to save you a thousand bucks."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Teaching Wife to Golf

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"

"That was the last thing I remember."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: What Would You do to Play a Better Round of Golf?

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the Earth."