Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Learning Golf

A woman is learning how to golf.

She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does.

The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.

The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club".

When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hooker

There was this hooker named Tina who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Tina replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf vs Tennis

The difference between golf and tennis is that tennis is murder - you just want to kill the other player.

Golf is suicide - you just want to kill yourself...

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Double Bogey

While out golfing with his wife a man slices his drive hard to the right. It lands so that there is a large barn between him and the green.

After much contemplation as to how to play the shot his wife suggests that they open the doors on both ends of the barn and then he can shoot straight through the barn.

He agrees and takes his shot. He misses the doorway and the ball bounces back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.

Several years later the man is back playing the same course with a buddy and makes exactly the same shot.

His bubby also suggests that he open the barn doors and shoot through.

The man says to his buddy, "No, last time a tried that shot I ended up with a double bogey on this hole!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Instruction

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first, After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way to hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently." the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wifes breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, your gripping the way to hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husbands penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice. takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway about 15 feet.

"That was great," the pro say. "Now take the club out of your mouth..."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mildred

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 6.45am or 7am?

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 A.M. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it’s pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it’s pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I’ll be here at 6:45."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Really Good Player

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies.

His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies, "He's very good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"

Dick says,"Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good"

Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player."

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstetched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend.

Dick replies "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron".

[crazygolfer]

Goklf Joke: Handicap

A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time.

Mac is an avid golfer and Jimmy is new to the game. On the way to the course, Mac asks "By the way, what's your handicap?"

Jimmy replies,"I don't have one..it's more like a permanent disability"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Score

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.

" No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.

John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Riders

A foursome of elderly gentlemen went to the bar after a round of golf.

At the bar, the new Pro asked them "How did your game go today?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.

The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly and had only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time.

He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"

Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Downhill

After winning the US and British Open and the PGA Championship, a writer asked Tiger Woods if that was his greatest year.

Tiger replied "No, when I was 11, I had straight "A's", won 32 junior tournaments, has two recesses a day and had the cutest girlfriend in the whole school. Everything has been downhill since then."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: In The Rough

Mac and Jimmy are playing a challenging new course and as usual Mac is having a tough time off the tee.

On the 6th hole he hits a huge banana ball.

"Did you see where that drive went...is it in the rough?" he asks.

"Sort of " says Jimmy. "How far in?" asks Mac.

" I'm not sure, but I hope our cart has 4-wheel drive"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First Prize

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel.

He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Heart Attack

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his shot.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

"The second hole? When is he coming?"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, stroking his putt.

"Everyone has already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Heaven Or Hell

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.

The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"

"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.

"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.

"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."

"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"

"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

[crazygolfer]

Gof Joke: Ladies Golfer

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Golfer

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees.

He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.

Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

\

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Rules of Golf

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in" . . . may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: How true are some of these!!!!! (Part 1)

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he (or she) is to share ideas about the golf swing.

5. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

6. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

7. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

8. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: How true are some of these!!!!! (Part 2)

11. It's surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt.....for an 8.

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

14. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

17. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

19. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

20. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: How true are some of these!!!!! (Part 3)

21. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you

ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

22. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

23. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

24. To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e.,

backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

25. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands:

how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

26. Water hazards attract, fairways repel.

27. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

28. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,

your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

29. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Partners

Murphy comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife Fiona asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

Murphy asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies Fiona.

"Well," says Murphy, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: My Wife Left Me

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

Edited May 28, 2011 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Senior Golfers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Scotsman's Caddie

One day, a Scotsman went playing golf.

After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The 7th Ball

After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Handicap 27

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Still Believe in Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with multi million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you” I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, madam, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Twosome

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.

The tall, stately gentleman said, We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: This is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and

said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Kawasaki

A guy goes to Japan for a business trip and he sees a hooker and decides to fxxk her.

So they went to his hotel and started to get it on.

She just starts yelling Kawasaki and he thinks I must be really good and she just keeps screaming Kawasaki and he says I must be really really good then she yells Kawasaki and runs out of the room and he said I must have been the best ever.

So the next he went golfing with one of the Interpreters he met there.

It was his turn and he got a hole-in-one and he yells "Kawasaki!"

Then the other guy says, "what do u mean wrong hole"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Tees

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once."

"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"

"Practice your putting."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Dentist

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Green Golf Ball

A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks him what he wants.

"I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Three Old Golfers

Three old men are about to play their regular match when the starter asks if they mind that a lady joins them to make up a foursome.

When they see the stunning beautiful 18 year old blonde they all agree that she would make a great 4th.

Her standard of golf does not match her looks and after playing 17 bad holes she gets to the 18th and has a 20 foot put for a par.

"I would do anything in the world to get a par" she tells the three men.

All three obviously have the same thing in mind. The first man says "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole"

The second man says "No, no, aim just inside the left edge and hit it firm, make sure you do not leave it short"

The 3rd gentleman walks around the green surveying the hole from every angle and say's "Ah, its a gimmie."

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Golf Course

Four blokes are out playing golf.

The first golfer says, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the outside of the house next weekend."

The second golfer said, "That''s nothing, I had to promise my wife I would paint all the rooms in our house."

The third golfer said, "Man, you''ve both got it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."

After a few holes they realized that the other golfer had not said a word, so they asked him, "Didn''t you have to promise your wife anything in order to go golfing?"

The fourth golfer said, "I just set the alarm for 5:30 AM. When it goes off, I give the wife a dig and say, "Golf course or intercourse?," and she replies, "You had better wear your sweater because it might be cold."

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What`s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. I know your uphill shots. You don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Archaeologists

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident.

Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.

Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Worst Golfer

Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed.

The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five yards down the fairway.

Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!"

The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied. "But I won't say anything if you won't either!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Tour in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says our attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" ... and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Lamaze Class

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Hole-in-One

He'd been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything," he said, "anything to get a hole in one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.

"What did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired.

"Well would you give up half your sex life.'"

"Yes, Yes I would."

"It's a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight.

On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more.

"Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."

The golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish of its tail.

"We'd struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?"

[clementi]

Golf Joke: At Golf Driving Range

This blonde turns up at Jimmy's Golf Range and asks for a few lessons.

- "Let's see the state of your swing" says Jimmy.

They go the driving range and she hits the ball a pathetic distance.

- "I see the problem, it's the way you're holding the club. Have another go, but this time hold the club like you would your husband's penis."

The blonde has another go and this time the ball soars out of the range and into the distance.

- "Wow!" Says Jimmy, "how did that feel?"

"Great" replies the blonde "but bi bink I lothed a tooth!"

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Golf Ball and G-Spot

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball but not for G-Spot