Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[clementi]

Golf Joke: A Foursome Golfers

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when the last one is finally ready to hit the ball, she hacks at it and it only goes about 10 feet. She walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet.

After the third time, she looks up at the men waiting and, in frustration, says, "I guess all those fxxking lessons I took this winter didn’t help!"

One of the men immediately replies, "Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Herman and Elmer

Once, there was a middle-aged man named Herman who decided to try a different golf course than his usual.

On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.

As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.

Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.

Herman then asks Elmer, "What the hell was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day, that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her. The person who catches her gets to carry her back."

Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"

Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: It still hurts like hell

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I’ll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn’t do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: What Can I Do?

Fred was playing off the sixth tee. The fairway of the sixth needed some skill because it ran alongside the road. But Fred sliced the ball badly and it disappeared over the hedge bordering the road.

So he put another ball down and took the penalty.

He was having a beer after the game when the pro joined him in the bar. "Excuse me Fred, but was it you who sliced this ball into the road at the sixth this morning?"

"Yes, but I took the penalty."

"That's as may be. But you might be interested to know that your ball hit and killed a small boy on a tricycle; the tricycle fell in the path of a Police Officer on a motorcycle. He skidded and was thrown through the window of a car, killing the nun at the wheel. The car then swerved into a cement mixer which wasn't too damaged but had to veer slightly and in doing so ran into the local school bus with such an impact that it sent it flying through the window of the shopping centre. At last count from the hospital there are thirteen people dead and seventy-nine people seriously injured."

The golfer turned a deathly shade of white and said, "What can I do?"

"Well, you could try moving your left hand a little bit further down the shaft," the pro advised.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Is A Mystery

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Trees

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than a tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Pregnant Golf

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: A Hole Behind

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Ambidextrous Golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It was not the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say "yes", but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 20 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I will be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I will be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They could not figure her out. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 20 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn"t hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you"re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That is easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it is pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I am fifteen minutes late."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Green Golf Balls

Tommy and Ray were approaching the first tee.

Ray goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag and says "You can't lose it."

Tommy replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?"

Ray replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Tommy doesn't believe him, but Ray shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

Tommy says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ray replies, "I found it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Spare Change

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

Once again the bum replies, "No."

"Will you make bets at the golf course?"

Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"

Will you go to a dance?

No I don't dance either.

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Don’t Swing!

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! She was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I’m over here, in the pussy willows."

Dave yells back... "DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sex or Golf?

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, "Take a sweater..."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Red Tee?

A guy meets a woman on the golf course. They agree to play golf together the next day.

They play and find that they have a lot in common, so they decide to play golf together for the rest of the week.

On the last day of golf they go out to dinner, have a wonderful meal and simulating conversation. Out in the parking lot of the restaurant, they kiss passionately.

The guy says softly, "I want to make love to you, I want to be inside you!"

The woman says, "I have to tell you, I’m a transvestite."

"You bitch!" yells the guy angrily. "You’ve been playing off the red tees!"

[kennethmiller12]

I visited here first time and I like your golf joke and sex very much I enjoyed it.I like to see golf the playground in which it is played is looking very nice mostly it's grasses and a little white ball.Thanks for sharing.

[crazygolfer]

I visited here first time and I like your golf joke and sex very much I enjoyed it.I like to see golf the playground in which it is played is looking very nice mostly it's grasses and a little white ball.Thanks for sharing.

Thank you.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hole-In-One

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out come a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole-in-one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round."

As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Tie me up

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very, very sexy negligee.

"Tie me up", she purred," and you can do anything you want!"

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 36-Holes?

Bill came home from golfing well after dark. His wife, Sally, asked him where he had been for such a long time.

He told her that after his 8:00 am round of golf, he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire.

He said that he went back to her place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.

Sally replied, "You S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Tough Putt

An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'Willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A 5-Iron

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie.

The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 12-inch Putt

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 5AM

Jack and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

But soon Jack realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning, Jack woke up, only to discover that it was 9 a.m. and that his friends left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper read, "It's 5 a.m. Wake up."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Widow

A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.

They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway!

Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Foursome

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ooops

Conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Crap

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Sub-Par Life

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Change Into Something Cleaner

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap."

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

The first guy looks over at the tree and says, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself."

Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him.

The second asks, "Holy smokes, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Of course, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Old Golfer Herman

Once, there was a middle-aged man named Herman who decided to try a different golf course than his usual.

On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.

As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.

Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.

Herman then asks Elmer, "What the hell was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day, that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her. The person who catches her gets to carry her back."

Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"

Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 12-inch Putt

Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Poor Performance

A buddy of mine has been acting a bit depressed lately. We were playing golf and he was getting increasingly upset at his poor performance.

"Dude, relax," I said. "If I want to hear a bunch of yelling and swearing I'll go visit my inlaws."

"I'm sorry, man, I've been having some problems at home."

"Yeah, like what?" I asked because I thought I should pretend to care.

"It's kind of personal."

"OK," I said teeing up my ball.

"Well, if you must know, I've been having erectile problems. I think it's because I may have a heart condition."

"You don't have a heart condition," I said taking my practice swing. "You have a fxxking ugly wife."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in the Real World...

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Cow Tail

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Charlie's Hole In One

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: True Confessions Of A Golfer

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Robot Caddy

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Telling The Truth

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Again?

"You're going out to play golf again" his wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctors orders." replied her husband.

"Do I look stupid to you" she screamed.

"But its true," he said, walking out the door. "He specifically told me I should get some iron everyday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: At The Water Cooler

Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend" asked Don.

"Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave.

"Fishing, eh"

"No, golfing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wide Stance

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Devil And The Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Male Golfers

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee.

Bill takes about 20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as much.

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven’s sake. We don’t have all day!" says Jim.

"Hold on a minute, I got to do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That’s my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill’s wife. He says, "You must be kidding. You couldn’t hit her from here."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Tiger

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Which Hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Professional Killer

One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him.

The man says ok and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.

"I’m a hit man," the man replies.

The man laughs and says, "That’s funny, what do you really do?"

The man says, "I’m really a hit man, look in my golf bag."

The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.

"Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"

The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too.

The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"

The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.

"Then I want you to shoot my neighbour in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping."

The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.

The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"

"Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I’m trying to save you a thousand bucks."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Double Bogey

While out golfing with his wife a man slices his drive hard to the right. It lands so that there is a large barn between him and the green.

After much contemplation as to how to play the shot his wife suggests that they open the doors on both ends of the barn and then he can shoot straight through the barn.

He agrees and takes his shot. He misses the doorway and the ball bounces back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.

Several years later the man is back playing the same course with a buddy and makes exactly the same shot.

His bubby also suggests that he open the barn doors and shoot through.

The man says to his buddy, "No, last time a tried that shot I ended up with a double bogey on this hole!"