Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don’t think you could keep your head down that long."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Drink, Gamble and Golf

A bum asked a man on the street for $2.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.

To which the bum replies, "No, I don’t drink."

The man took in the bum’s tattered and clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

Again the bum replies, "No, I don’t gamble."

Intrigued, the man took another tack. "Will you make bets at the golf course?"

And once again the bum replies "No, I don’t play golf."

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The worst golf course?

Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!

Caddie: This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf in the Real World...

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Ribbit

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply’s "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Amateur Golfer

After a series of disastrous holes, the strictly amateur golfer in an effort to smother his rage laughed hollowly and said to his caddie:

"This golf is a funny game."

"It's not supposed to be," said the boy gravely.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Any Improvement

Golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?"

Caddie: "Yes, ma'am. You've had your hair done."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Stingy Golfer

One day, a stingy golfer went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fanatic Golfer

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."

She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Nature of an Oath

Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?"

Boy: "Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: That’s not my ball

That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.", said the player looking at a ball deep in the trees

"It's a long time since we started, sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Slice Ball

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods.

He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots.

He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: It’s not my game

I want you to know that this is not the game I usually play," snapped an irate golfer to his caddie.

"I should hope not, sir. But tell me," enquired the caddie, "what game do you usually play?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: We should been here long time ago!

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.

Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"

Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Small World

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.

"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them is my wife and the other's my mistress!"

"I'll ask," said Ralph. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green. "What's wrong?" Bill asked. Ralph replied, "Small world, isn't it?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bragging

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man’s son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf ball and G-spot...

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a "G-Spot"?

A: A bloke will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sid and Barney play golf

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement.

"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Husband & Wife golfing

A guy and his wife were playing 18 holes of golf. It was a beautiful sunny day and they had the entire course to themselves.

When he was about to hit off at the 13th hole, he collapsed to the ground, clutching his chest, having a heart attack. Despite the fact that he was 6'2" and weighed 18 stone, she picked him up, put him on her shoulders and headed for the clubhouse.

She eventually arrived at the clubhouse still carrying her huge husband on her shoulders. Two other club members arrived and helped carry him inside, called an ambulance and sent him to the hospital.

"How could you carry such a huge man on your shoulders from the 13th hole?" the Club President asked the wife in amazement. "Wasn't it difficult?"

"Yes", said the wife, "but carrying him wasn't the hard part. It was picking him up and putting him down after each shot that was difficult."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Follow through

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hooks in water

Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend?"

"Dropped hooks into water."

"Fishing, eh?"

"No, golfing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Clubs

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik.

When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Three Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Golfer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge.

(Silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Golfer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Edited June 28, 2011 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf or Sex?

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us.

I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:35..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:35..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?""That's when I get here at 8:35."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A new set of golf club

Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box.

Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Arnold and Tiger

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Golfer Fred

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Golfer Patrick …..?

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.

I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither would he."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bill and Ralph

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ralph replies, "I found it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Cheap at half the price

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."

"That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The executive waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"

The executive said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The executive noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"

"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."

"No. No," said the executive. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."

"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."

"Still want me to play?" said the other.

"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The executive picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife."

He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."

The Erie executive lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"

"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."

"Which one?" said the hit man.

"Both," said the exec.

"That's $20,000, you know."

"I don't care. Hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.

"You know where to hit him," said the exec.

"How about the woman?"

"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."

"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: When the old golfer died

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in.

You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"

"OK. Try me, "replied the Lord.

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."

"And that's when you took my name in vain?"

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing!

It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..."

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..."

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Best Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, ''What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!''

The guy answers, ''My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.''

''Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here.''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Tee Time

Two friends are playing golf one day when one of them says to the other," I love golf, I hope that when we die there is golf in heaven."

The other one agrees that he hoped so to. So the two agree that whoever dies first he would have to come back from the other-side and tell the other if there was.

Years go by, when finally one of them ups and dies. Years go by when out of no-where the died one shows up at his friends side and goes, "Sorry it took so long but I have good news and I have bad news.

So the the live friend ask what’s the good news. "Well the good news is that we were right there is golf in the afterlife. Well what’s the bad news. The bad news is that its in hell and tee time is 4:30am, see you tomorrow....

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Investigator

This is a true incident that happened to my cousin, Steve.

Steve is an avid golfer. He goes to tournaments, he is golfing every weekend, LIVES for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of one game, about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He was playing pretty good until...

Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would mind if he "played through" and got ahead of them.

The older man, seeing that Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve thought that that would be all right, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve Welker," and offered his hand.

The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John Evans and this is my son," and he introduced the younger man with him.

They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from, Steve? You are new here in Idaho?"

Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.

John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"

Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate cases of insurance fraud and court settlements."

Steve went on to talk about some of the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera to take pictures of a "handicapped" man hauling wood, a prostitute that was suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)

After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"

John's face got one of those I-thought-you-would-never-ask looks as he said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"

And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Short Putt

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lamaze Class

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.

From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Stevie and Jack

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 30-Yard Putt

You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married.

Course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank a 30 yard putt.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Remember George

A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM.

His wife asks why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy? He died today, on the fourth green."

"That's terrible, it must have been awful" she says. "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: My Provisional Ball

Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"

"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sam & Harry

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.

Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I wanna hit from red tee

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Addicted to Golf

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gum Boobs

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fxxk."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: After Life

Rahul and Kajol made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made verbal contact, "Kajol....Kajol. ":

"Is that you, Rahul?"

"Yes, I've come back just like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like in your afterlife?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Rahul you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly..., I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Mumbai."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The "Great Tiger"

Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right. His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right.

Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right, and to his surprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right.

Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose. He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball. Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball. Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag.

Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was.

"It's Daz" said the little old lady.

"Daz!!" exclaimed Tiger.

"Yes Daz" said the little old lady, "Apparently it stops colours from fading !"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 25 Years of Marriage

A party of golfers noticed a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course.

Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."

Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sam loves only Golf

Fortune was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds(OB .............!)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I don’t remember ….

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"