Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Longer Legs…?

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round."

As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this."

So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole-in-one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: American Golfer

An American golfer playing in Europe hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Smelling his Breath

The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.

"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"

His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down to play cards.

After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"

"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Having Same Problems at Home

A buddy of mine has been acting a bit depressed lately. We were playing golf and he was getting increasingly upset at his poor performance.

"Dude, relax," I said. "If I want to hear a bunch of yelling and swearing I'll go visit my in-laws."

"I'm sorry, man, I've been having some problems at home."

"Yeah, like what?" I asked because I thought I should pretend to care.

"It's kind of personal."

"OK," I said teeing up my ball.

"Well, if you must know, I've been having erectile problems. I think it's because I may have a heart condition."

"You don't have a heart condition," I said taking my practice swing. "You have a fxxking ugly wife."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Heaven

Bob was trying desperately to get in 18 on a soon-to-be stormy day..

He was playing the round of his life, but as the weather grew worse, his swing on the 15th tee was awkward, resulting in a hooked drive into the trees.

His lie was a good one, but right next to a tree. He quickly approached his ball, set himself up, and right as he took the club to the top, lighting struck down from the sky catching his steel shafted 5 iron.

His friends hurried over to see that there was a large crater in the ground and no site of Bob or his clubs.

He was gone.

When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Son, we are sorry to have taken you at such an early age, however, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring your clubs that you love so dearly so that you may play all the courses of heaven which are more incredible than any course you have ever played."

The man started crying instantly, to which St. Peter replied, "I know, you have left behind many loved ones."

Bob said, "No, that's not it."

"Yes my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great career," St. Peter said.

"No, that's not it either," sobbed Bob.

St. Peter was stumped, "Well then, what could make you so unhappy, that you would cry like a three year old girl?"

Bob looked up as the tears flooded from his eyes and said, "I think I left my wedge back on the 14th green."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Family Men

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First Prize

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Alternate Shot

A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.

His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt..

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What To Do?

Earl addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.

The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" exclaimed Earl, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two club length drop."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Pro Shop Calls (Part 1)

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy

a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What's the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Pro Shop Calls (Part 2)

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Advice

• Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  
• Form a loose grip.
  
• Keep your head down.
  
• Avoid a quick back swing.
  
• Stay out of the water.
  
• Try not to hit anyone.
  
• If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  
• Don't stand directly in front of others.
  
• Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
  
• Don't take extra strokes.
  

Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Heaven Or Hell

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.

The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"

"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.

"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.

"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."

"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"

"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Weight

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.

This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones.

The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies..

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Retiree

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Escapee

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, "What's going on?"

The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Day

A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.

He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.

He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".

The caddy says" I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Great Comebacks 1

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I doubt that. I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "

Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"

Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Great Comebacks 2

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir. It's a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Judge: "Do you truly understand the seriousness of things when you swear and state an oath?"

Boy: "Do I ever, your honor! I once caddied for you!"

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It still could be; it's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."

Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Stung by a Bee

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Teaching Wife to Golf

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"

"That was the last thing I remember."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Golfer

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fatherly Advice.

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son.

Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before.

Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.

You'll be pre-occupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal...it's called golf."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Triple Bogey

A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Blondes Playing Golf

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.

Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Saturday’s Tee-Off

A friend of Henry's dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.

"Henry," he says, "you won't believe it, but there is golf in Heaven."

"That is wonderful!" Henry replies.

"Don't be so thrilled," his friend tells him. "You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Medical Emergency

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only 2 Strokes

After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position -- and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke -- he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swing, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.

When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him.

"Am I dead?" he asks.

"Yes, my son," replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs.

"I see you're a golfer," St. Peter says. "Are you any good?" "Hey, I got here in two, didn't I?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Friends

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And liar, too!" Nick says with amazement.

"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Take It With You

One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.

As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met.

The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic."

The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center."

Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said "I can't believe you guys went back on your word."

They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.

He replied "I most certainly did....with my very own personal checque."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Demons

The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons.

He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world.

You are all time wasters and you make me sick. You came to hell to help make man's life a misery. Instead you’re wasting your time playing silly games. So what are you going to do about it?"

Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O'Lord of great darkness. I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control."

Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?"

The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gas

Two couples went out golfing together.

The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.

No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: In The Rough

Mac and Jimmy are playing a challenging new course and as usual Mac is having a tough time off the tee.

On the 6th hole he hits a huge banana ball.

"Did you see where that drive went...is it in the rough?" he asks.

"Sort of " says Jimmy. "How far in?" asks Mac.

" I'm not sure, but I hope our cart has 4-wheel drive"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Out Of My Mind

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife.

"Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive.... that would be a gimme putt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wrong Lesson

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fxxking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing with Nuns

A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."

The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.

He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."

The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."

The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Problem with Bifocals

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:

That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Mind your language

A foreign golfer touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.

"Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds.

A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.

"Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only once a week

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Cost of a round of golf

It was a Sunday morning and four good buddies were at the first tee. Number one said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my wife tonight."

Number two said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."

"Ha!" said number three, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."

Number four said "Boys, are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What’s your Handicap ?

A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.

The member asked, "What's your handicap?"

The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."

The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"

The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house.

As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."

The member said, "'I'd like to do that."

Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: No free lift

A man and a lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed.

At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed.

After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.

Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course.

"Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win."

Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.

The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length.

After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.

At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Keeping your head down

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to his a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Sin to play golf on Sunday?

After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Does this look like yours ?

Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.

However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.

He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"

That's when she hit him in the throat with a 3-iron.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Naked Distractions

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past.

Naturally, this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past.

This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. He was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on.

His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."

"What about the bucket of sand?"

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."