Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: How many strokes ?

How many strokes d'ye have, laddie?" the Scot asked his guest after the first hole.

"Seven."

"I took six. Ma hole"

They played the second hole and once again he asked: "How many strokes?"

"Oh no sir!" said the guest. "It's my turn to ask."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Black Balls

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.

"Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black," asked the American.

"No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The problem with bifocals

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:

That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc.

Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Advice from Above

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it.

Just as he commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:

"USE THE NEW BALL..."

Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:

"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING..."

The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:

"USE THE OLD BALL."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Your Hole

Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.

Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."

The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: St Francis

Back at the nineteenth, in a vile mood, he delivered his bitter tale of woe.

"Nothing could stop me winning. I had a putt of about eleven inches, hardly more than a tap-in, to clinch it. The green was dead flat, perfectly true, a real billiard table. Not a breath of wind.

"My ball was heading for the cup, on rails. Then a raven swooped down, snatched it up, and circled the flag stick, twice. The raven then passed the ball to a vulture, which flapped over to Paradise Brook, opened its talons and .........splash. End of story."

St. Peter sighed deeply and vowed, "Last time I play St. Francis of Assisi."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Do you play golf?

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at airport, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bad Day at Driving Range

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"

Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."

"Why not" He asks.

Pro says " I don't think you can keep your head down that long!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Did you cheat your Wife?

Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.

The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven.

The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the time she beat me but I never cheated ."

So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Blondes Golfing

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to whom, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: One Iron

A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet.

The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing the Heaven. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!''

The priest looks at his caddy and says `Phhhhhtt. Not even the Heaven can hit a 1-iron!''.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:The worst caddy

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Stop checking the time

Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: At the watercooler

Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend" asked Don.

"Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave.

"Fishing, eh"

"No, golfing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Just Think …

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Green balls?

A man enters the golf pro shop and looks all around, frowning.

After watching him for a bit, the pro asks him what he wants.

"I can't find any green golf balls," the man replies.

"Well, I don't think they make them, but I can check."

The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, even calls all the ball manufacturers. Sure enough, no one makes green golf balls. As the man walks out the door, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls"

"Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Again?

"You're going out to play golf again" his wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctor’s orders." replied her husband.

"Do I look stupid to you" she screamed.

"But it’s true," he said, walking out the door. "He specifically told me I should get some iron everyday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Lawyer

A chap was teeing off and hit a lousy ball onto the next fairway and en route struck another golfer on the head.

He shouted at the lousy hitter, "I am a lawyer and this will cost you, maybe 5000.00."

The golfer yelled back, "I am sorry bit I did shout FORE"

The lawyer replied, "OK I will take it!!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Learning to play Golf

My wife says to me one day "Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin'?"

So I go next door and ask my neighbour "Can you teach me to play golf?"

He: "Sure. Have you got some balls and a club?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll Tee-off."

Me: "Tee-off? What’s this Tee-off?"

He: "Oh, it’s just a golf term and we'll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse."

Me: "Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I'll Tee-off in private if you don't mind."

He: "(chuckle) No no, a Tee's that little thing about the size of your little finger."

Me: (them damn women been talk'n again)

He: "Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Me: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

He: "No, you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee."

Me: "Isn't that strechin' things a bit far?"

He: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Zippered bag or Velcro type?"

Me: "?...........neither."

He: "Oh, well how do you hold your club?"

Me: "Two fingers."

He: "No, no. That's not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing."

Me: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind."

He: "O.K., look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."

Me: "No, no, that's my brother Jimmy you're thinking' of."

He: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

Me: "I can well believe that."

He: "Then when you are on the green . . ."

Me: "What's the green thing?"

He: "Ah, that’s where the hole is."

Me: "You colour blind?"

He: "No, why?"

He: "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."

Me: "What’s a putter?"

He: "The smallest club made"

Me: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

He: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

Me: "You mean the putter?"

He: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."

Me: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talkin' about, because I've seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."

He: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

Me: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I'm in the 18th one?"

He: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

Me: "Sheeez!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Golf Robot

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies.. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job.."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3-wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer on Vacation

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you

any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger"

"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts.

He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him.

By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Russian Roulette

1st man: My wife had a great idea that I take up a new sport for the summer.

2nd man: Well that's great, she truly does has your interests at heart. What did she suggest golf "

1st man: No, but do you know how to play Russian Roulette"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Murphy’s Law of Golf (Part 1)

Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.

It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17-holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Murphy’s Law of Golf (Part 2)

No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

Never take lessons from your father.

Never teach golf to your wife.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Murphy’s Law of Golf (Part 3)

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The rough will be mown tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a 2 inch branch 90%of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right, for right handers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it's probably because you're not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can't learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Telling the Truth

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Don't you recognize him

After coming from a long round of golf, his wife kissed him and kissed their son who came in a few moments later.

"Where's he been", the husband asked.

"He's been caddying for you all afternoon", the wife replied

"No wonder he looks so familiar!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lady Golfer

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you Next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady Lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, They couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!!!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First Putting Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t"'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bee Stings Woman

A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sex during Pregnancy

A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"

The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger."

The man replies, "Tiger?"

The doctor explains, "Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Running into the law

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Next Lesson?

When can you let me have another session?" a golfer asked his professional who was veteran of 75 years.

"Tomorrow morning," came the reply, "but not afternoon. That's when I visit my father."

"Goodness me," exclaimed student incredulously, "how old is he then. 95."

"And good player too?" "

"Ah no sir - knocks ball about bit but, bless him,'ll never make player."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lesson with the pro

Now," said the golf pro, "suppose you just go through the motions without driving the ball."

"But that's precisely the difficulty I'm trying to overcome," said his pupil.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Playing with the pro

"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".

The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.

"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.

"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.

"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Store professional

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:You earn how much ?

I gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's pro.

"Why not ?", came the reply, "I'm a better player than he is !"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: From a huge slice...

Talk about fantastic golf teachers.

He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice.

Day and night he worked with her for five months.

Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Correct stance

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:The beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

Oh great ! so NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Backspin

An amateur was talking to his golf pro.

Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: "About 130.''

Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back !?''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Too foggy to see

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one.

Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,"Which one of you used the orange one ?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The strange new Pro

"I don't know about that new pro," said Peter. "He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Fred.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Fred. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:The pro and the JP

The Justice of the Peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson.

But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.

But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."

"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."

[worldangel]

Golf Joke: I know the next shot

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods.

He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots.

He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked:

"You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

[worldangel]

Golf Joke: Beginners first round

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: BMW

 

Getting ready to go to the golf club with his grandfather, the young boy was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. “What’re these?” he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.

“Those are tees,” the old man said. “You put your balls in them when you drive.”

“Golly,” the boy said, “those BMW people think of everything, don’t they?”

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: G-Spot

 

What's the difference between a golf ball and woman's G-spot?

A man will look 20 minutes for a golf ball.

 

[Guest Golfer]

No more Golfer here..... 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What can I do ?

 

Fred was playing off the sixth tee at the Royal Quebec Club. The fairway of the sixth needed some skill because it ran alongside the road. But Fred sliced the ball badly and it disappeared over the hedge bordering the road.

 

So he put another ball down and took the penalty. He was having a beer after the game when the pro joined him in the bar. "Excuse me Fred, but was it you who sliced this ball into the road at the sixth this morning?"

 

"Yes, but I took the penalty." "That's as may be. But you might be interested to know that your ball hit and killed a small boy on a tricycle; the tricycle fell in the path of a Mountie on a motorcycle. He skidded and was thrown through the window of a car, killing the nun at the wheel. The car then swerved into a cement mixer which wasn't too damaged but had to veer slightly and in doing so ran into the local school bus with such an impact that it sent it flying through the window of the St Lawrence shopping centre. At last count from the hospital there are thirteen people dead and seventy-nine people seriously injured."

 

The golfer turned a deathly shade of white and said, "What can I do?"

"Well, you could try moving your left hand a little bit further down the shaft," the pro advised.