Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Brightside

 

 

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

 

 

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

 

 

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

 

 

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing with the Mob
 

 

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.

One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.

He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.

Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."

"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"

"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."

The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."

"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."

The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it!"

The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Aliens

 

 

Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing.

 

 

First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball.

 

 

Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball.

 

 

Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Match

 

 

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. 

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" 

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers. 

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." 

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" 

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Helping Hand

 

 

An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." 

 

 

And he did play well. Coming to the par four - 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! 

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". 

"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand." 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Hooker

 

 

There was this hooker named Tina who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. 

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?" 

Tina replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20. 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Golfer
 

 

A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. 

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. 

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" 

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Operation

 

 

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. 

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. 

"What for?" asked his colleague. 

"About $17,000." 

"What did he have?" 

"Oh... About $17,000." 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Problems

 

 

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. 

Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. 

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. 

"Why are you fighting?" he asked. 

"You see," said one of them, "my partner just had a stroke and now, these guys want to count it on the scorecard." 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

 

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'. 

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?' 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: First-Timer Golfer

 

 

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

 

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

 

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

 

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

 

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

 

"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: G-Spots and Golf balls

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball?

A: A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lamaze Class

 

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

 

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

 

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Lucky frog

 

 

I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."

That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.

Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next. "Ribbit. Vegas."

We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. "Ribbit. Roulette."

We went up to the roulette table, and I won big. I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. "Ribbit. Kiss me."

I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog. It turned into a 15-year-old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf loft

 

 

Three bad golfers were teeing off when they saw a pro walk by.

One guy yelled out, "Hey, pro, you want to join us?"

The pro figured he didn't have anything else to do, so he got his clubs and joined them. The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball landed on another fairway.

The guy turns around and asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro looks at him and says "LOFT." The guy pretends to understand this and put his club back in his bag.

The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. The guy asks what he did wrong.

The pro again says "LOFT."

The last guy walks up and hits. The ball goes five feet off the tee box. The pro says "LOFT."

The first guy walks up to the pro and asks, "What does LOFT mean if everybody sucks?

The pro says, "You all suffer from Lack Of F**king Talent."

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 10 things in golf that sound dirty

 

 

1. Look at the size of his putter. 
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 
6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 
8. Just turn your back and drop it. 
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf lessons

 

 

A husband and wife take golf lessons at the local club.

The husband goes first and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows the instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The wife goes next and hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Try holding the club like you hold your husband's d**k." She swings, and the ball goes 10 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sex versus Golf

 

What's the difference between sex and golf?

 

In golf, a bad hole won't kill you!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Accident on the golf course

 

 

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

 

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

 

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I hit two of my best ball

 

 

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

 

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

 

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

 

"I stepped on a rake."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Senior logic golf

 

 

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

 

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

 

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf with the mob

 

 

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.

One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.

He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.

Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."

"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"

"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."

The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."

"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."

The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it!"

The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The external optimist

 

 

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

 

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

 

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

 

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

 

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf advice

 

 

Out on the golf course, a beautiful woman asks three men for some help with her putt. "Whichever of you can help me sink this putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget."

The teenager walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The middle-aged man walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster! Aim 12 inches to the right, and the ball will break left two feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The elderly man looks at the other two men in disgust, picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says, "That's a Gimme."

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Careful what you wish for

 

 

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, ''Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.'' 

 

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, ''I told you to watch out for the houses!'' Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.'' 

 

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ''Come on in.''
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ''Are you the people that broke my window?'' 
''Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.'' the husband replied.

 

''No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.''
''OK, great!'' the husband said.

''I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'' 
''No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?'' the genie said, looking at the wife. 
''I want a house in every country of the world,'' she said.
''Consider it done.'' said the genie. 

''And what's your wish, Genie?'' the husband said. ''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.'' 
The husband looks at the wife and said, ''Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.''

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ''How old is your husband, anyway?'' 
''35'', she replied.

''And he still believes in genies. That's amazing!'''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Bragging dads on the golf course

 

 

Four men played a round of golf one day.

Three of them headed off to the first tee, while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, and as men so often do, began bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded too."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later, having taken care of the bill.

The first man mentioned to him, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The perfect shot

 

 

A man stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and it was driving his partner absolutely nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking you so long? Just hit the blasted ball."

The man answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it" his partner says, "you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The golf club championship game

 

 

An elderly couple is playing together in the annual golf club championship.

The game has ended up in a play-off hole, and everything rides on a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

Aware of how critical this final putt is, she takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling.

Well the wife putts, the ball sails clear past the hole, and the couple lose the match.

On the way home in the car, it's obvious from the atmosphere that her husband is not happy, in fact he is fuming,

"I cannot believe that you missed that simple putt!" he said to his wife. "That putt was no longer than my dick."

The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Smart thinking

 

 

Three friends always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon, but it was made almost impossible by the demands of their wives.

One day, after many failed attempts, they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when the first friend said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second followed, "That's nothing, I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything at all!!!"

The others just looked at him in amazement, and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"

She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The bee sting

 

 

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Splint

 

 

 

A young man is out on the golf course and he takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor thinks for a moment, and tells him "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage, wires it all together; quite an impressive work of art.

The young man mentions none of this to his fiancee, and so the wedding goes ahead, and on his honeymoon night in their hotel room, she shyly opens her blouse to reveal the most amazing pair of breasts.

Believe it or not, this was the first time that her new husband had ever seen them.

She said to him, "You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before."

In response he quickly pulls down his pants and says to her, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 3 Golfers

 

 

Three friends were playing their regular Saturday morning round of golf. They were joined on the 1st tee by a stranger who proceeded to hook his drive into the bushes. The stranger and his caddy went to look for the ball while the other three waited on the fairway.

 

 

After about five minutes when the golfer and the caddy failed to reappear, the three others went in search of them only to find the golfer performing anal sex on the caddy. "Get away from there, you nasty fellow," the three others shouted.

 

"Please, please, you don't understand," said the golfer, "when we came into the bushes, my caddy suffered a heart attack and I was only trying to revive him." "But that's not how you revive someone when they suffer a heart attack," shouted the three others, "You have to give the person mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

 

 

"I know," retorted the golfer, "How the hell do you think this started?"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The golfer

 

 

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

 

 

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

 

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

 

 

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''

 

 

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

 

 

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fiancee

 

 

A young man is out on the golf course and he takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor thinks for a moment, and tells him "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage, wires it all together; quite an impressive work of art.

The young man mentions none of this to his fiancee, and so the wedding goes ahead, and on his honeymoon night in their hotel room, she shyly opens her blouse to reveal the most amazing pair of breasts.

Believe it or not, this was the first time that her new husband had ever seen them.

She said to him, "You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before."

In response he quickly pulls down his pants and says to her, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I got here in two

 

 

A man is out playing golf and is having the round of his life. He comes up to the 17th hole, a long par 5 with a large oak tree in the middle of the fairway.

 

 

He hits a beautiful tee shot down the left side of the fairway. When he gets to his ball, he finds that there is one limb hanging over the fairway that may interfere with his 2nd shot.

The man thinks to himself, "Do I pull out a 7 iron and play it safe or do I pull out the 3 wood and go for it?" The man has been having the best round of his life so he decides to pull out the 3 wood and go for it.

 

 

He hits his second shot which hits the overhanging limb, bounces straight back at him striking him in the head and instantly kills him.

 

 

Now the man is at the Pearly Gates and is standing in front of Saint Peter. Saint Peter is looking in his book and can not seem to find the man's name. Finally, Saint Peter is so frustrated that he asks the man, "How did you get here?"

 

The man replies, "I got here in two."

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I am calling the Pro

 

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

 

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

 

 

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Cheating

 

 

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

 

 

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.

 

 

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

 

 

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

 

 

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Vulgar language

 

 

A guy is playing golf with a priest on day. A the first hole, the priest hits a lovely drive down the fairway and looks to the heavens and says, "Thank you God, thank you for that shot!" The other guy then slices his tee shot into the trees and screams, "What a fuckin' useless shitty freakin shot that was!"

 

 

The Priest turns a blind eye to this and they continue. On the second hole the priest knocks a lovely drive right down the middle and says, "Thank you Lord, thank you for helping me strike that ball so well!" The other guy hits a complete shank and bellows, "What a fuckin shitty pox weak arse girls blouse shot that was!"

 

 

The priest turns to him and says, "My son, you cannot keep cursing like that or the Lord will strike thee down in his vengeance to all things impure." The Guy apologizes and they continue.

 

 

On the third hole, the priest knocks a lovely iron onto a Par 3 and it goes straight in for a hole-in-one, " Thank you my savior," crys the Priest, "thankyou, Lord, forever I will be in your debt!" The other guys hacks one straight into the water and goes off the handle. "You fuckin hopeless asswipe! What kind of a fuckin useless shitty shot was that?" he screams.

 

 

Just then, the clouds open and a huge finger points out from above and sends a lightning bolt out which hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. From the heavens a voice booms, "What a fuckin shitty shot that was!!!!!!!!!" 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Can you stop this golfer?

 

 

One night a man returns home well after dark after having supposedly left at 6:30 that morning to play golf. His wife is furious and demands to know where he's been.

 

 

``Well, I got up this morning at 6:30, went to the car and it wouldn't start. So I called Frank to drive and it was 7:15 until he could pick me up. On our way to the course, Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the nearest station to get someone to help us. By the time we finally get going again it's 10:30. When we get to the course, there is a seniors group going off so we have to wait two hours before we can tee off.''

 

 

``Yeah, but that was still almost eleven hours ago!'' His wife nagged.

 

``Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf ball comes whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head, killing him. So for the next thirteen holes, its hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball....''

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Golfer’s Nightmare

 

 

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.

 

 

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

 

 

Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, ``Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.''

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Handicap

 

 

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gourgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the

much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. Surprise surprise, he was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

 

 

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

 

``Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.''

 

``What about the bucket of sand?''

 

``Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Like golfer like caddy

 

He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.

 

``You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!'' he screamed.

 

``I doubt it,'' replied the caddy. ``That would be too much of a coincidence.''

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Boss

 

 

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day; I haven't stopped." 

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?" 

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Fairy Tale (1)

 

 

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups.

 

A fairy comes down and says ``thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter''.

 

``Thank you,'' the golfer replied, ``but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?''

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer’s wife

 

 

It's a nice hot summer’s day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture.

 

The second man turns round to him and says...

 

M2: ``Come off it, it's only a hearse.''

 

M1: ``But you don't understand, it’s my wife's funeral...''

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Wife

 

 

Jimmy was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Jimmy. 

"As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." 

 

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner.

"She's cut some of us out altogether!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: You can’t keep your head down

 

 

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf > enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

 

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says,``I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.''

 

The caddy looks back at him and says,``I don't think you could keep your head down that long.''

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Switch Golfer

 

 

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

 

A woman standing near the tee said, ``Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?''

 

They were hesitant but said she could come once to give it a try.

She said ``Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven.''

 

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said ``Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7.''

 

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, ``how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?''

 

She said ``That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his dick is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed.''

 

A guy asked ``what if it's pointed straight up?''

 

She said ``Then I'll be here at nine o'clock.''

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Doctor’s Problem

 

 

Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball.

 

Doctor asks her where she got hit.

 

She says it was between the first and second hole.

 

Doctor says ``well it doesn't give me much room to work on - does it?''

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: “F word” (1)

 

 

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.

``Ah'', says St. Peter, ``we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the `F' word, didn't you?''

 

``Yes'', says the man, ``but it was only one time.''

 

St. Peter: ``Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances.''

 

Man: ``Well, I said the `F' word when I was playing golf..''

 

St. Peter: ``Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the `F' word.''

 

Man: ``Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron...''

 

St. Peter: ``And THAT'S when you said the `F' word?''

 

Man: ``Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path...''

 

St. Peter: ``You said the `F' word then, didn't you?''

 

Man: ``Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...''

St. Peter: ``The `F' word, you said it then, yes?''

 

Man: ``Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup..''

 

St. Peter: `` YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??''