crazygolfer Posted November 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2013 Golf Joke: Golf Lessons 101 My wife says to me one day ``Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n?''So I goes next door and says to me neighbor ``Can you teach me to play golf?'' He: ``Sure. Have you got any balls and club?''Me: ``?.....of course. Why?''H: ``Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off.''M: ``?T-off? What’s this T-off?''H: ``Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse.''M: ``Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind.'' H: ``(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger.''M: (them damn women been talk'n again)H: ``Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it.''M: ``Oh, this is sit down game?''H: ``No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T.''M: ``Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far?''H: ``No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?''M: ``?.....of course. Why?'' H: ``Zippered bag or velcro?''M: ``?...........neither.''H: ``Oh, well how do you hold you club?''I: ``Two fingers.'' H: ``No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing.''M: ``Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind.''H: ``Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder...''M: ``No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of.''H: ``. . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar.'' M: ``I can well belive that.''H: ``Then when your on the green . . .''M: ``What's the green thing?''H: ``Ah, thats where the hole is.''M: ``You color blind?'' H: ``No, why?'' ``...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter...''M: ``Whats a putter?''H: ``Smallest club made''M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).H: ``...and with it you put the ball in the hole.''M: ``You mean the putter?' H: ``No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.''M: ``Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon.''H: ``Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17.'' M: ``I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one?''H: ``Why, the holes got a flag in it.''M: Sheeez! clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2013 Golf Joke: At a fancy resort hotel This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two. ``Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.'' answered a very polite clerk.``How much is that going to cost me `` the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. ``Nothing, this is on the room.'' The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone. ``Not so good'' the man answers, ``in fact I lost 5 balls.''``Well'' says the pro, ``that will be $5000.00 sir.'' ``What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?'' ``Well'' the pro says ``you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.'' worldangel and clementi 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Joke: Didn’t yell fore! A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees andinto the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintendedvictim, who angrily tells him of the near miss."I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the poor golfer."That's funny", replies the other guy, "because you had plenty of time to yells***!" clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Quote: "He's (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AMEX card between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500." ~ David Feherty (Golf commentator) clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Quote: "That ball is so far left, Lassie (the dog) couldn't find it, if it was wrapped in bacon." ~ David Feherty (Golf commentator) clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Quote: Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right. ~ anonymous clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Quote: The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats. ~ anonymous worldangel 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Golf Quote: You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. ~ Lee Trevino clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2013 Golf Joke: Russian Roulette 1st man: My wife had a great idea that I take up a new sport for the summer.2nd man: Well that's great, she truly does has your interests at heart. What did she suggest golf "1st man: No, but do you know how to play Russian Roulette" worldangel and clementi 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2013 Golf Quote: If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~ anonymous clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2013 Golf Quote:It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size. ~ anonymous clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2013 Golf Quote: Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness ~ William Wordsworth clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2013 Golf Quote: The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~ George Deukmejian clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Golf Joke: Golfing lawyer A chap was teeing off and hit a lousy ball onto the next fairway and en route struck another golfer on the head.He shouted at the lousy hitter, "I am a lawyer and this will cost you, maybe 5000.00."The golfer yelled back, "I am sorry bit I did shout FORE"The lawyer replied, "OK I will take it!!!" clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Golf Quote: "Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."~ David Feherty (Golf commentator) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Golf Quote:The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Golf Quote: Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie. ~ anonymous clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 Golf Quote: Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 Golf Quote: The odds of hitting a duffted shot increase by the square of the number of people watching. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 Golf Joke: Confession before marriage An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that). They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.``Ginger, darling.'' he says. ``I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time.'' Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well. ``That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker.'' ``Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem.'' clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Quote: Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Quote: Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Quote: In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Quote: One good shank deserves another. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Quote: After 36 holes in broiling heat, there are never any clean towels for a shower. And the bar has just closed. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Joke: $100 for a ticket Tickets for the British Open are hard to get and the touts have a field day. One keen spectator was offered a ticket for £50. "That's absurd," the enthusiast declared. "Why, I could get a woman for that!" "True sir, but with this ticket you get eighteen holes!" clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 Golf Joke: Cost of a round of golf It was a Sunday morning and four good buddies were at the first tee. Number one said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my wife tonight."Number two said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us.""Ha!" said number three, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."Number four said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep." clementi and worldangel 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Quote: There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf. ~ Andrew Perry worldangel 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Quote: "I am sorry, Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He's attending the birth of his next wife." ~ David Feherty (Golf commentator) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Quote: No golfer ever played too fast. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Quote: Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward. ~ anonymous Golf Quote: It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Quote:The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday. ~ anonymous worldangel 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Joke: A favour returned When the Maharajah of Merchandani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and the patient was beaming. "You saved my life," he said to the young man. "Whatever you want shall be yours." "It was quite simple really," protested the young surgeon. "But I am a rich man, I insist," said the princely patient. "Well, I'd love a new set of matched golf clubs," the young doctor admitted. "Consider it done," came the stately reply. The surgeon forgot all about this grand promise until some weeks later when he received this cable: HAVE YOUR CLUBS BUT SADLY ALL NOT MATCHED STOP FOUR DO NOT HAVE SWIMMING POOLS STOP. worldangel and clementi 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2013 Golf Joke: Too nice for court The sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window. If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days. "Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case." "And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband." "How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently. worldangel and clementi 2 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: There is no such thing as a friendly wager. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Quote: If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Joke: Still hurts like hell A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him earnestly."Ummph, oooh, noooo... I’ll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.She then asked him, "How does that feel?"He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn’t do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!" clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Golf Joke: No Freelift A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won. Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed. The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start. At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!" clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2013 Golf Quote: Tommy Gainey's grip: "They look like two lobsters trying to screw." ~ David Feherty (Golf commentator) Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2013 Golf Quote: Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2013 Golf Quote: Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2013 Golf Quote: Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2013 Golf Quote: A golf gift given to you at Christmas by a non-golfer is always unsuitable. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2013 Golf Quote: Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2013 Golf Quote: A vacuum is the space between your ears that becomes entirely void of matter once you set foot on the course. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted December 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2013 Golf Quote: No golfer ever swung too slowly. ~ anonymous Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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