Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.

 

~ Lee Trevino

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If my IQ had been two lower I'd have been a plant somewhere

 

~ Lee Trevino

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

 

~ Bob Hope

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

 

~ Ben Hogan

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is a game who's aim it is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.

 

~ Winston Churchill

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Inventing Golf

 

 

Along time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub.

One Scottsmen says, I’m going to invent a game.

The second man asks, What do you have to do?

 

The first man says, You have to get a ball in a hole.

The second man asks, So it’s like billiards?

 

The first man says, No, it’s going to be much farther away.

The second man asks So, it’s something like bowling?

 

The first man says, No, it’s going to be played on grass, and it’s going to twist and turn.

So the second man asks, So it’s kind of like croquet?

 

The first man says, NO, I’m going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off!

So the second man asks, So you do this once?

 

The first man replies, NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!!

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Married couple

 

 

There was a married couple. Every day the husband went golfing from 10 to 4.

Once the wife asked the husband: Could you please repair the dripping faucet in the bathroom when you come home?

 

The husband replied: What, so now you think I’m a plumber?

Then the wife also told him: The bulb in the kitchen is also broken.

The husband responded, So now you think I’m an electrician?

 

When the husband came back home from golfing, the bulb was changed and even the faucet in the bathroom was repaired.

Wondering what had happened, the husband asked his wife: How did all these jobs get done?

 

She answered, Today there was a man I met on the street who said he repaired anything for a roll in the hay or some cookies.

The husband said, I do really hope you gave him some cookies!!

 

She replied, What, so now you think I’m a baker?

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The greatest liar in the world is the golfer how claims he plays the game for merely exercise.

 

~ Tommy Bolt

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.

 

~ Bob Allen

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

 

~ Grantland Rice

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. 

 

~ John Updike

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.

 

~ A.A. Milne

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. 

 

~ P.G. Wodehouse, A Mixed Threesome, 1922

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game:  it's called an eraser. 

 

~ Arnold Palmer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears

 

~ Bobby Jones

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf. 

 

~ Robert Lynd

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Probably playing golf

 

 

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

 

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Cheating for good reasons

 

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

 

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”

 

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

 

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

 

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

 

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

 

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer.  That's the distance my left ear is from my right. 

 

 

~ Ben Crenshaw

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is a fascinating game.  It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it. 

 

~ Ted Ray, Golf - My Slice of Life, 1972

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.

 

~ Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1975

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. 

 

~ Paul Gallico

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs.  You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

 

~ Val Doonican

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. 

 

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification

 

~ Bruce McCall

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Forget your opponents; always play against par.

 

~ Sam Snead

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is

 

~ Horace G. Hutchinson

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Expensive golf resort

 

 

A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner.

 

As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole no. one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000.

 

He then looked at his wife and said, Honey, Let’s be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car.

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says, “Let’s go see what the damage is”

 

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. I large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. “Is this yours?”, he said.

 

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window. The Large man says, that won’t be necessary, please come in my home. He brings the couple to the living room where the window was broken.

 

He said : I am so happy your ball came through that window. Do you see that broken Vase on the coffee table?

The couple nodded wondering where this conversation was going.

 

I am a genie, and I have been stuck in that damn vase for over 1000 years. You have freed me and for that I am willing to give you each a wish.

The third one I will use on myself. The genie looks over to the man and says, “What will your wish be sir?”

 

The man replies, I have always wanted to have my own chain of restaurants

The genie says, Done, You own your own chain of restaurants. What can I do for you Mrs.?

 

The women replies, “I have always wanted to own my own chain of Beauty Salons”

The genie says, “Done, you own your own chain of Beauty Salons”

The man then looks at the genie and asks, “What is your wish going to be?”

 

The Genie replies, “As I said earlier, I have been in that damn vase for over 1000 years and for over a 1000 years I haven’t had sex. My wish is to take your wife upstairs and have sex with her for 3 hours.

 

The man looks at his wife and they both agreed since they both got what they wanted. The woman and the Genie went upstairs to the bedroom while the man stayed downstairs watching TV. After 3 hours the Genie and the woman started walking back down the stairs.

 

The women looked at the genie and said, “That was amazing”.

The genie looked at her and said, “What’s amazing is your husband still believes in Genies.

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Physical examination

 

 

A 65-year-old man went for a physical examination.

 

After the doctor finished his exam and read the lab work he said, "You are in excellent health for a man your age - What did your father die from?"

 

 

The man replied, "My father is not dead, he is 86 years old and we played 18-holes of golf this morning and walked the course."

 

 

The doctor said, "That's incredible - what did your grandfather die from?" the man replied, "Who said he is dead, he is 108 years old an in fact, he just got married again."

 

 

The doctor asked, “Why in the world would a 108 year old man want to get married for?"

 

The man replied, "Who said he wanted to get married, He got his 21 year old girlfriend pregnant and he had to." 

[clementi]

Joke: A lawyer and a blonde

 

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

 

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

 

He explains” I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500!.”

 

Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

 

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

 

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

 

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

 

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?”

 

 

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Superman

 

 

So Superman is flying by and he sees Wonder women sunbathing nude on top of a building….. He thinks to himself…”

 

I wonder if she’d notice if I’m real quick”…. So he flys down, bangs her quick and fly’s out.

Wonder women sits up and is like, ” What the hell was that?” the invisible man sits up and says, “I don’t know but my ass really hurts”….

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

 

When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”

 

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

 

“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

 

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

 

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

[clementi]

Joke: Baked beans

 

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him.

 

Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on.”

So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans.

 

They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

 

After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

 

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,”darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!”

 

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

 

She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go.

 

It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

 

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner.

 

He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn’t hear him.

 

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom.

He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

 

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise — Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

 

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Green golf balls

 

 

A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies.

 

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogues, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

 

 

As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

 

 

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

 

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Lifelong headaches

 

 

Fred was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. His golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

 

 

 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles."

 

 

 

Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free, and live a new life. He went to the club for a drink and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That's what I need: a new outfit." 

 

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like some new golf slacks." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Fred laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the slacks, they fitted perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I've got some great new Nicklaus stock."

 

 

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." . The salesman eyed Fred and said,"Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and and half neck" Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock with soft spikes" Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."

 

 

Fred was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Fred said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Fred's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Fred was really impressed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

 

 

The hat fit perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear, got some great new imported stock." Fred thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Fred laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 -  every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

 

[clementi]

Golf Joke: What is the braver force?

 

 

A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favourite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.

It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."

The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?"

The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.

After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"

To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologise, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf.  I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

 

~ Will Rogers

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt

 

~ Dean Martin

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

 

~ G.K. Chesterton

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong.  You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it

 

~ Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If you break 100, watch your golf.  If you break 80, watch your business. 

 

~ Joey Adams

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one

 

~ Martha Beckman

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.

 

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Woman golfer

 

 

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said, "I'll tee off, he is far enough away."

 

 

She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned he was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. 

She ran to him, apologizing and saying, "Let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. 

"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf swindler

 

 

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' 

 

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

 

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

 

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

 

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is life.  If you can't take golf, you can't take life

 

~ Anonymus

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence.  Nobody cares.  In golf everything has got to be right over second base. 

 

~ Ken Harrelson

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.

 

~ Michael Green

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course? 

 

~ Larry Nelson

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes.  It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head. 

 

~ Harry Vardon