Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

 

~ Bob Hope

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I'd play every day if I could.  It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart. 

 

~ Brent Musburger

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Columbus went around the world in 1492.  That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

 

~ Lee Trevino

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver.  The sand wedge is far more effective

 

~ Huxtable Pippey

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The visiting aliens

 

 

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practising on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement.

 

The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.

 

Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game and they continued to observe the golfer.

 

Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Majorly Busted

 

 

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken.

 

~ Raymond Floyd

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things

 

~ John Updike

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula.  And it took a seven to do that.

 

~ Jim Murray

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

 

~ Pete Dye

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.

 

~ Gerald Ford

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf.  The other is "Wear it if it clashes." 

 

~ Henry Beard, Golfing, 1985

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it. 

 

~ Jim Dent

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good dentures?

 

 

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

 

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Three old men

 

 

Three old men are about to play their regular match when the starter asks if they mind that a lady joins them to make up a four ball.

 

 

When they see the stunning beautiful 18 year old blonde they all agree that she would make a great 4th. Her standard of golf does not match her looks and after playing 17 bad holes she gets to the 18th and has a 20 foot put for a par.

 

 

"I would do anything in the world to get a par" she tells the three men.

 

 

All three obviously have the same thing in mind. The first man says "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole"

 

 

The second man says "No, no, aim just inside the left edge and hit it firm, make sure you do not leave it short"

 

 

The 3rd gentleman walks around the green surveying the hole from every angle and say's "Ah, it’s a gimmie." 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted.

 

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

 

~ Lee Trevino

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there

 

~ Bob Hope, about his golfing

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf.  The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot

 

~ Nubar Gulbenkian, 1972

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses

 

~ Adlai Stevenson

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Practice your putting

 

 

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once."

"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"

"Practice your putting."

 

 

 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The new club members

 

 

Fred and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy. On their first lay they went into the bar for a drink before the game. They ordered two whiskies and enquired:

 

 

 

"How much is that.'"

The barman smiled. "Are you new members?" he asked. "This your first day at the club?"

"Yes," replied Fred and Harry. "Well, it's on the house."

 

 

Then the two friends decided to lunch in the club lining room. It was a sumptuous repast after which Harry called the waitress over.

"We'd like to settle up," he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired whether hey were new members. "Yes," they told her, "we are indeed."

"And is this your first day at the club?" "Yes," they replied.

"Then, it's on the house, sirs."

 

 

Much pleased, the two decided it was time to have a game so they walked into the pro shop to buy some balls. "Give me half a dozen," Fred ordered grandly. `How much is that?"

"Are you new members, sir? Is it your first day at the club?" "Yes, yes," smiled Fred

 

 

"That will be seventy-five dollars," the pro advised.

Fred turned to Harry and whispered: "It sure ain't by the throat they got you in this club." 

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off.  I shot the happiest 83 of my life

 

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors. 

 

~ Barry Fitzgerald, Going My Way

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. 

 

~ Bob Hope

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye

 

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accent
 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch

 

~ Lee Trevino

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility.  It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort

 

~ Abba Eban

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits.  I did it in one afternoon on the golf course

 

~ Hank Aaron, 1971

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket:  if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia.  The ball changes everything.

 

~ Michael Bamberger

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life.  No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something. 

 

~ Peter Jacobsen

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.

 

~ Grantland Rice

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

A golf ball is like a clock.  Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock.  But make sure you're in the same time zone

 

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don't really seem to know any more about the game than the old ones did

 

~ Robert Browning, A History of Golf

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Who’s tee?

 

 

As the two players approached the ninth tee they noticed what appeared to be a small picnic party assembled right on the spot.

 

"Here, what are you doing with our tee?" one called out.

 

"I it ain't yours," came the retort. "We brought it with us all the way from town."

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Only golfers allowed

 

 

Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball.

 

Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed.

 

The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway.

 

Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!"

 

The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied.

 

"But I won't say anything if you won't either!"

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day.  You have to play the whole game.

 

~ Phil Blackmar

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around. 

 

~ Rick Reilly, "Master Strokes," Sports Illustrated

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is the cruelest of sports.  Like life, it's unfair.  It's a harlot.  A trollop.  It leads you on.  It never lives up to its promises.... It's a boulevard of broken dreams.  It plays with men.  And runs off with the butcher. 

 

~ Jim Murray

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out-of-doors.

 

~ Paul O'Neil

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance.

 

~ Alistair Cooke

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

 

~ Sam Snead

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can't even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul. 

 

~ Bruce McCall, "The Case Against Golf,"

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Attracting the right sort

 

 

An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats.

 

He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.

 

 

Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.

 

"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.

 

 

"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.

 

 

"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The devil & the golfer

 

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt. 

 

~ Jack Nicklaus, on why he tees his ball high.

 

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is not a game, it's bondage.  It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins

 

~ Jim Murray

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result

 

~ Tommy Armour

 

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. 

 

~ Mac O'Grady

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. 

 

~ Paul Harvey

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

 

In golf, you keep your head down and follow through.  In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through.  It's a big difference. 

 

~ Dan Quayle