Single & Living Alone Discussion (compiled)

[Exynos]

I have a question to ask.

 

For 3 years since I've been out in this community, I kept searching, kept asking; I made mistakes, looked back, moved forward, stumbled, struggled and wondered about the whole relationship thing.

 

I'm young; 21 to be precise and many have said that's a great age to explore, yet I see so many of my peers getting into relationships. I used to be envious, jealous even, then I slowly learned that what appears to be may not be, and that many people are in relationships but not really happy, or in relationships that never last more than 6 months... and it appears very pointless, if anything.

 

I tried to figure out why no one wants to be with me; I attributed it to many things - my looks, my figure, my attitude, my personality... something, which I just can't fathom till this day and it annoys me whenever my mind reaches this roadblock.

 

But I have a theory to propose tonight - and I wish to hear opinions, advice and experiences from other BWers to know what exactly is happening.

 

I've a great love for freedom and independence. Most of the time I enjoy being carefree and doing what I want... all these time, whenever I know I almost have it with somebody, my mind panics.

 

I suddenly feel afraid because there're still other guys I know online whom I've never met even of coffee/a meal... how am I sure this particular person is the one, and that the others are not?

 

But what I'm most fearful of is that I feel like because I'm kinda gonna date or commit myself to this person, it feels like it's wrong to be talking to other guys (not from say, Jack'd, but guys whom I know from Jack'd, added into Facebook and are still trying to arrange a meeting), and that kills me, because I don't know if what I'm doing is correct. I don't know if I'm "supposed" to suddenly close everyone off and commit to this one guy because we have a shot at something. 

 

It feels very silly, but I'm overtaken by this fear every time. So I push away every guy who likes me and has expressed interest to be with me, because I fear for my freedom, and I feel like I have something to be responsible for (his feelings, for example) and it suffocates me.

 

Is there something wrong with me for thinking that way? I really want to know.

[PaterTenebrarum]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. N u r only 21. Enjoy yr youth. There is much more to life than being attached. Stop worrying abt it.

[Blacque]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. N u r only 21. Enjoy yr youth. There is much more to life than being attached. Stop worrying abt it.

 

Totally agreed.

[Guest adult]

have you start to earn your own money already? period.

[IkuTube]

One thing for sure, you carry yourself well describing your situation.  There is clarity in your thought process.  You seem to know how your emotion works.  The downside - you analyze and worry too much, young man.

[GachiMuchi]

At 21yo, you are allowed to make mistakes in love, dump or get dumped, get your hearts broken and breaking the hearts of others, etc. All these are part and parcel of growing up.

 

When the time is right, you will know who is and who isn't the right one. So don't be afraid to explore, experience and make mistakes, just make sure, you learn from all the mistakes and experience and you will be a better person.

 

Whether you are going to be single or attached in the next 5 to 10 years, that will depend on how you have grown as a person. Don't worry about how it's going to be in the future, just enjoy the journey.

 

Years later when you looked back on what you wrote here, I am sure you will be laughing at yourself for posting this.

[Guest Guest]

One thing for sure, you carry yourself well describing your situation.  There is clarity in your thought process.  You seem to know how your emotion works.  The downside - you analyze and worry too much, young man.

 

yea been there done that, i mean the analyzing and worrying too much. it will get you nowhere rather than progressing.

 

also to TS, if im not wrong, you are quite mindful of how others see you. you gonna lead your own life.

 

and to wanna have a bf, you gonna manage your own expectations. but i dun get it, you enjoy being carefree but yet lament that you want a bf?

[Guest Guest]

. Don't worry about how it's going to be in the future, just enjoy the journey.

 

 

 

sometimes i have this dilemma too. to plan ahead or to just enjoy the journey?

[melvinlam90]

 

 

But what I'm most fearful of is that I feel like because I'm kinda gonna date or commit myself to this person, it feels like it's wrong to be talking to other guys (not from say, Jack'd, but guys whom I know from Jack'd, added into Facebook and are still trying to arrange a meeting), and that kills me, because I don't know if what I'm doing is correct. I don't know if I'm "supposed" to suddenly close everyone off and commit to this one guy because we have a shot at something. 

 

 

 

To me, I think there is nothing wrong with knowing new people from these social apps and adding them on facebook. I am not saying it is okay to cheat on your partner, but that it is okay to still make friends, as long as things are kept clean. 

 

Think about it this way, you yourself are a carefree person, who loves freedom and such, if one day, you were to be attached, and your partner demands you to stop contact with any other body, would you still be yourself? Why did your partner fall in love with you in the first place? He loves you because of how you had formed that impression on him, and not because you close yourself to the world. 

 

We live in a society, not some hermit on Mount Everest. If there comes a point where you are ready to be in a relationship with another guy, both of you should have already set down some agreements for such things, and not wait till both of you are officially together, then questions surfaced. 

 

And you are in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that therefore you should just shut off the whole world. Trust me, you would never be happy. 

 

How to avoid such situations, simple. 

 

Get to know the person really well, and agree on such stuffs even before popping the question. That way, if there really seems to be a disagreement, a consensus could be worked out. If a consensus could not be worked out, where one party simply refuse to compromise, then sad to say, but that guy might not be suitable for you. 

 

Good luck in finding your right partner. You got to look hard and try harder

[EasleyLim]

Basically you in a nutshell:

 

[snowball]

Sorry, if you don't understand mandarin

　　记住，你可以哭，可以恨，但是不可以不坚强。心若在，梦就在，你必须非常努力，因为后面还有一群人在等着看你的笑话。即便是躺着中枪，也要姿势漂亮！

　　记住：我们有许多的梦想，不一定都能实现，有些梦想甚至要摒弃。不要把自己太当回事，也不要把自己太不当回事。好好地呵护自己，对自己好点，就要有好的心态，有了好的心态就会心胸宽广，就会豁达，就会有好的心境。

　　

　　记住：爱一个人不容易，忘记一个人更难。是啊，爱一个人是很苦的很苦的事，想一个人是很累的很累的事，等一个人是很傻的很傻的事，为什么我们却不能拒绝这样的相思？为什么我们心甘情愿无怨无悔？为什么我们却如此依然痴迷不悟？

　　

　　 记住：没有完美的人生，也没有完美的社会，也没有完美的自己，要以平和的心态，宽容的对待人生，用美好的眼光看待世界，世界就是美好的。

　　

　　记住：什么是幸福？幸福就是一种感觉，感觉幸福就幸福，如果你总是觉得别人对不起你，你就会永远的不知足，我们要带着感恩的心，对待你挚爱的亲人和朋友。要时刻的反省自己，摆正自己的心态，从容的面对人生。不是人生对你不好，而是你自己对自己不够好。

　　记住：要知道，千金难买是光阴，千金难买是生命，千金难买是快乐，千金难买是人生。只要走过、路过、奋斗过、拼搏过就是成功，百年人生，不过浮云，走好自己的路，不去羡慕，不去嫉妒，不去抱怨，不去仇恨，你就会收获不一样的人生。

　　

　　记住：我们如果多一些善良，少一些残忍，多一些宽容，少一些苛刻，不要把自己看的太高，也不要把自己看的过低，多一些奉献，少一些索取，多一些淡定，少一些欲望，完善一下自己的美好心灵，我想你的世界就会美好。

　　

　 记住：最重要的是今天的心。何必为痛苦的悔恨而丧失现在的心情，何必为莫名的忧虑而惶惶不可终日。过去的已经一去不复返了，再怎么悔恨也是无济于事。未来的还是可望而不可及，再怎么忧虑也是会空悲伤的。今天心、今日事和现在人，却是实实在在的，也是感觉美好的。昨天已经过去，而明天还没有来到。今天是真实的。

　　

　　记住：自己的心痛只能自己疗。何必为痛苦的悔恨而丧失现在的心情。偶尔的抱怨发泄一下，也是十分必要的。但是无休止的抱怨只会增添烦恼，只能向别人显示自己的无能。抱怨是一种致命的消极心态，一旦自己的抱怨成为恶习，那么人生就会暗无天日，不仅自己好心境全无，而且别人跟着也倒霉。

　　

　　记住：好心境是自己创造的。我们常常无法去改变别人的看法，能改变的恰恰只有我们自己。坏的生活不在于别人的罪恶，而在于我们的心情变得恶劣。让生活变好的金钥匙不在别人手里，别总是自己跟自己过不去。学会自己欣赏自己，等于拥有了获取快乐的金钥匙。自己给自己一些自信，自己给自己一点愉快，自己给自己一脸微笑，何愁没有人生的快乐呢？

　　

　 记住：注意不要活得太累，精神上的压力大; 累，是心理上的负担重。累与不累总是相对的，要想不累，就要学会放松; 生活贵在有张有弛。心累，使人长期陷于亚健康状态; 心累，会使自己精神不振。

　　

　　记住：每个人都有自己的活法。自己的伤痛自己清楚，自己的哀怨自己明白，自己的快乐自己感受。也许自己眼中的地狱，却是别人眼中的天堂;也许自己眼中的天堂，却是别人眼中的地狱。生活就是这般的滑稽。不要总疑春色在人家，关键在于自己心态的调整。

　　

Edited July 2, 2013 by snowball

[riverrobles]

 I kept searching, kept asking; I made mistakes, looked back, moved forward, stumbled, struggled and wondered about the whole relationship thing.

 

I'm young; 21 to be precise and many have said that's a great age to explore,

 

But what I'm most fearful of is that I feel like because I'm kinda gonna date or commit myself to this person, it feels like it's wrong to be talking to other guys (not from say, Jack'd, but guys whom I know from Jack'd, added into Facebook and are still trying to arrange a meeting), and that kills me, because I don't know if what I'm doing is correct. I don't know if I'm "supposed" to suddenly close everyone off and commit to this one guy because we have a shot at something. 

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you child. This line will help you accept the fact that in our 20's we really need to make mistakes and we need to be selfish. Nothing to worry about , so continue dating, it doesn't mean when you have a date you'll already know the guy or you'll be married by tomorrow.

 

"Your 20's are to make mistakes, Your 30's are to learn your lessons, your 40's are to pay the drinks."

 

"Your twenties are about making mistakes. Falling down. Getting up. Being irresponsible. Crying while laughing. Learning from friends. Falling in love. Changing your mind a hundred times -- then changing it back again. Feeling invincible and vulnerable at the same time. This is all corny stuff, I'm sure, but I believe it. I don't think there's another time in life when I can be as deliciously selfish. The stupidity of the teen years are over, and I have some basic wisdom now -- so I feel I can enjoy life better. Does this make sense??"

[glowingember]

 

I tried to figure out why no one wants to be with me; I attributed it to many things - my looks, my figure, my attitude, my personality... something, which I just can't fathom till this day and it annoys me whenever my mind reaches this roadblock...

 

It feels very silly, but I'm overtaken by this fear every time. So I push away every guy who likes me and has expressed interest to be with me...

Maybe this is the issue...you push every guy who likes you away so nobody wants you.

You may also be rejecting people because you are on the lookout for someone 'better'?

Perhaps just enjoy the moment with the people you meet. You never know...

[Freedom711]

 

 

It feels very silly, but I'm overtaken by this fear every time. So I push away every guy who likes me and has expressed interest to be with me, because I fear for my freedom, and I feel like I have something to be responsible for (his feelings, for example) and it suffocates me.

 

Is there something wrong with me for thinking that way? I really want to know.

 

Hmmmm sound very much like me.... oh well Im in the midst of wanting to know whats wrong with that too and perhaps Im not in a real good position to give advice. But things I always tell myself when comes to such situation. " perhaps im not ready yet. Perhaps I don;t really like this guy that much to sacrifice that love for freedom" or "perhaps what we need is time and letting things go slow and not rush into it.

[Guest old uncle]

If u love someone, u would be crazy over him. u chase him, u think of him, your heart flutters when he's near.

All these come naturally, u will not be able to analyze or fear for your independence. u will not be able to push him away.

Obviously you haven't met that someone yet. Or maybe you met him but he is not interested in you. Hopefully you meet someone mutually attracted to you. It won't be easy like maybe once in 5years to meet one. So you are young enough to meet a few and eventually settle down.

[Guest Gwave]

are you sure you wanna have a bf now? to take care of you? to spend your life together with? spending life together with sounds so simple and nice but in reality can create alot of issues and problems if you cant handle it.

 

im 26, im single and totally no issue with it. in fact i think im not ready for a bf now at all. i would wanna make more gay friends first (more like-minded ones if i may add), i have fun around so i know i cant commit yet and so much more issues to take care of - career, studies (for you), self development etc etc.

 

dun envy others around your age having bfs. you must know what works for you.

[IkuTube]

Let's just walk through your thought process.  Sometimes, the answer lies within yourself.

 

 

I have a question to ask.

 

See how you tend to analyze here .. your mind searches for an answer to 'a question' but the question splinters in many directions.

 

 

For 3 years since I've been out in this community, I kept searching, kept asking; I made mistakes, looked back, moved forward, stumbled, struggled and wondered about the whole relationship thing.

 

These 3 years obviously evolved a need.  Ask yourself, what is that one thing that you really want in life (at least at this age)?  Why is it so important to achieve it?

 

 

I'm young; 21 to be precise and many have said that's a great age to explore, yet I see so many of my peers getting into relationships. I used to be envious, jealous even, then I slowly learned that what appears to be may not be, and that many people are in relationships but not really happy, or in relationships that never last more than 6 months... and it appears very pointless, if anything.

 

To be in a relationship is a big thing.  Often, it is personal and very often, the success lies with how one works on it.  There can be rules, principles and guides but ultimately, it is how you perceive it that will make the difference.  While it is true that we often see more failed gay relationship but does not mean a long term one does not exist.

 

The mind is plain tricky .. what we put into consciousness becomes reality.  When you allow yourself to believe that 'it appears very pointless', the whole thing becomes pointless less you overcome the odds to believe otherwise.

 

 

I tried to figure out why no one wants to be with me; I attributed it to many things - my looks, my figure, my attitude, my personality... something, which I just can't fathom till this day and it annoys me whenever my mind reaches this roadblock.

 

Do you love yourself?  And I do not mean it in a narcissistic way.

 

It has been a way of life, we will never be able to know about ourselves (w)holistically though we might want to think we do.  Get a closed friend to tell you about you but you have to be honest with him/her that you are finding your true Self.

 

Your job is to listen and not to defend/argue nor disclaim what is being told.

 

 

But I have a theory to propose tonight - and I wish to hear opinions, advice and experiences from other BWers to know what exactly is happening.

 

Indeed you are serious about finding the 'truth'.  Such reflection is good as it makes you to focus ahead.

 

 

I've a great love for freedom and independence. Most of the time I enjoy being carefree and doing what I want... all these time, whenever I know I almost have it with somebody, my mind panics.

 

Conflict of interest.

 

Why panic?  Is it because you feel that your 'freedom and independence' and 'being carefree' will be compromised?

 

When you think that you want to be in love, you have to be yourself.  Never change for anybody but there have to be compromises in any relationship to work.  You change because you want to change and not because you have to please others.

 

Importantly, in any relationship, your partner needs to know about you and it helps should you share with him your likes and dislikes, your eccentricites and idiosyncrasies, your tolereances and limits and your insecurities and fears.

 

 

I suddenly feel afraid because there're still other guys I know online whom I've never met even of coffee/a meal... how am I sure this particular person is the one, and that the others are not?

 

But what I'm most fearful of is that I feel like because I'm kinda gonna date or commit myself to this person, it feels like it's wrong to be talking to other guys (not from say, Jack'd, but guys whom I know from Jack'd, added into Facebook and are still trying to arrange a meeting), and that kills me, because I don't know if what I'm doing is correct. I don't know if I'm "supposed" to suddenly close everyone off and commit to this one guy because we have a shot at something.

 

As you mentioned earlier, it has only been 3 years since you've been out in this community.  With respect to your age, it can be overwhelming.  Suddenly, there are just too many and, perhaps, too many are your types.  Choices that are laid right infront in life often make it hard for us to steer ahead.  Worse when we want them all.

 

In your situation here, you are just afraid to live.  You are afraid to commit because you are afraid that you will lose to get all the other choices.

 

No man is an island and that applies to relationship too.

 

 

It feels very silly, but I'm overtaken by this fear every time. So I push away every guy who likes me and has expressed interest to be with me, because I fear for my freedom, and I feel like I have something to be responsible for (his feelings, for example) and it suffocates me.

 

Do know that fear is just False Experiences Appearing Real.  When you know who you are, you will start to take charge; you will contribute to a relationship.

 

Be at peace with yourself.  Tell yourself, the only way for you to learn is when you go through life experiences.  Thinking too much is a burden.

 

---------------------------------

Pardon me for talking too much.

 

 

[Exynos]

ikutube you're calling me for analyzing too much when you just analyzed my thought process, haha!

 

i agree, my mind is full of conflicts and ironies and it's a fault of mine but i quite like it. i assume i am honestly not ready to be in a relationship because i want to be free. yet i yearn to be in a relationship because i'm afraid of lonliness... quite a lame and bad reason to even be in love. therefore it's not gonna work until i feel good enough.

 

thank you everyone for all the replies. i'm too young definitely, yet i feel like i'm the only constant in this world - where everyone else i knew over the years have changed... maybe i'm frustrated because i'm afraid i'm not making progress of any kind.

[Guest Guest]

may i ask, are you a perfectionist?

[Clickclock]

Exynos, you worry too much.

 

I guess its largely due to the fact that you're obsessing over and over again over the topic of being attached to someone emotionally. You're simply adding worries on top of more worries. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side? Have you ever considered that you might be a person who intends to be single for life? Many people tend to forget that a 'happy and successful' life does not solely revolve around a relationship. You don't have to be attached to feel wanted/ significant. 

 

Instead of asking yourself about your possible problems regarding relationships, why don't you take a step back and ask yourself what makes you really happy in life and then pursue it. If relationships make you unhappy, just disconnect yourself from it for a while, not forever, cause I see that you still have some interest in being connected, but just enough for you to get a clear picture of what you want in life.

 

I used to have more-or-less the same kind of predicament back in my days. I've had 2 bfs before, but they weren't really legit as the bond wasn't even felt, it was pretty materialistic, I felt like I was in a r/s for the sake of being in a r/s. After which, my life spiraled down as I felt that I have an awful personality and that I looked ugly, these were all self imposed fyi, nobody criticized me, it was something that I said to myself. 

 

After a period of turmoil, i've decided to disconnect myself with all this r/s business once and for all and look at the bigger picture. I've made the realization that I do not need to be attached to be happy, I was already happy, I just did not really take it seriously.

Edited July 2, 2013 by Clickclock

[Exynos]

may i ask, are you a perfectionist?

 

A little. With a little OCD.

 

Exynos, you worry too much.

 

I guess its largely due to the fact that you're obsessing over and over again over the topic of being attached to someone emotionally. You're simply adding worries on top of more worries. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side? Have you ever considered that you might be a person who intends to be single for life? Many people tend to forget that a 'happy and successful' life does not solely revolve around a relationship. You don't have to be attached to feel wanted/ significant. 

 

Instead of asking yourself about your possible problems regarding relationships, why don't you take a step back and ask yourself what makes you really happy in life and then pursue it. If relationships make you unhappy, just disconnect yourself from it for a while, not forever, cause I see that you still have some interest in being connected, but just enough for you to get a clear picture of what you want in life.

 

I used to have more-or-less the same kind of predicament back in my days. I've had 2 bfs before, but they weren't really legit as the bond wasn't even felt, it was pretty materialistic, I felt like I was in a r/s for the sake of being in a r/s. After which, my life spiraled down as I felt that I have an awful personality and that I looked ugly, these were all self imposed fyi, nobody criticized me, it was something that I said to myself. 

 

After a period of turmoil, i've decided to disconnect myself with all this r/s business once and for all and look at the bigger picture. I've made the realization that I do not need to be attached to be happy, I was already happy, I just did not really take it seriously.

 

I know what truly makes me happy. I always liked to see myself as 35, well-to-do, respected at work and a good career, driving a VW Scirroco and having my own place... these things really make me happy. I always knew I can't be happy if I don't achieve these things, and it makes more sense to start finding a partner once I've accomplished my goals.

[Gray]

As I've always advocated, don't get into a r/s because you're scared of loneliness or u just think having a bf will take all your current problems away or you just wanna validate your self worth. It really doesn't work that way and it's a sure path to a failing r/s.

I really don't know why no one wants to get with you cos you seem to be a pretty nice guy. But if you want something too much, it shows and people tend to avoid despos. You have freedom right now and you like it. So just focus on yourself first, build up your attractiveness in some way and practice your charm on everybody you can chat with. Once you've built your confidence and image as a self confident and attractive single, people will be knocking on your door, not the other way round.

[Clickclock]

"I know what truly makes me happy. I always liked to see myself as 35, well-to-do, respected at work and a good career, driving a VW Scirroco and having my own place... these things really make me happy. I always knew I can't be happy if I don't achieve these things, and it makes more sense to start finding a partner once I've accomplished my goals."

 

well, if that's the case, you've already solved your own problem. Now that you have marked out the things that makes you truly happy, go ahead and pursue them, this time, don't make a r/s your primary objective. Try to carve out a good career and manage your current finances to ensure that you have that guaranteed financial power in the future. With these in mind as well as time on your hands, you will bound to figure out on your own the significance of a r/s and you might actually bump with your perfect 'other' during your journey to pursue your goals for happiness.

[GachiMuchi]

A little. With a little OCD.

 

 

I know what truly makes me happy. I always liked to see myself as 35, well-to-do, respected at work and a good career, driving a VW Scirroco and having my own place... these things really make me happy. I always knew I can't be happy if I don't achieve these things, and it makes more sense to start finding a partner once I've accomplished my goals.

 

1. You might want to check on your OCD. That could be a relationship breaker. Every one has their own habits, some good, some not so good. Perfection is a mind set and the yard stick can be narrow. It is hard to measure and it's harder being "measured". So do take note of that. 

 

2. Material things like cars, house, etc. can be achieved with hard work and good financial planning, etc.. If these things can make you happy, you only need to get good grades and a good job and you should be on your way.

 

Love, unlike career, needs a totally different approach and skill set altogether. No amount of hard work, or time, or devotion will land you a boyfriend. A close friend of mine who is successful in work, drives a good car, have his own condo, etc. but no matter how much he wants a bf, he can never land himself one.

 

Having known him for years, I think he may not be able find a bf because he is very 'particular' with 'certain" things about the guys he is dating. Unusually after a few dates, he would realised that the other person is "not the right one" or it would be the other way around. Mind you, the type he goes for are already pretty narrow range, and coupled with his 'particular' requirements, it is even harder.

 

Good luck.

[GreatMast]

i think e contents for this post r applicable to me as well...

I'm afraid of loneliness too. I'm 23, turning 24 soon n has never been in a rs... I recognise the fact that we should never get into a rs for the sack of getting into one or because ppl around us r honeymooning... But it comes to a stage that one becomes desperate (not for fun, but for to have somebody to lean on)... I start wondering y m I still single... many a times the conclusion is that it's my problem, I want to have freedom but I'd like to feel wanted needed n b loved... I believe there is no conflict between the two desires... you can be wanted needed and loved by friend... not necessary bf or gf...

So yah, I believe I'll continue to take things as they come...

[SomeGuyInSg]

I just came across this thread and wow it really reminds me of me too. I guess I'm not the only one who's having this same issue.

 

I feel like I'm competing with everyone to attached.

 

I get the fear that I'm not ready enough for a r/s, but at the same time the fear that when I'm physically/financially/mentally ready I would no longer be young and wanted by anyone or I would have missed out on all the opportunities of love.

 

It's a conflict of some Singapore-ingrained mindsets.

1. I MUST complete studying for the subjects before I take the exams. Can't just go and take chances.

2. I MUST complete education as soon as possible to start on the corporate ladder early. Can't be late and miss opportunities.

 

Usually I'm confident and happy while single, but some days the insecurities get me.

[abang]

So what if you are a single now?

Think positively about your singlehood - no need to report your whereabouts to anyone, no possessive boyfriends, no window shopping, no need to do any planning for holidays because of schedule crashes...

 

I have not been attached for some time now.. Think of it, I am actually quite happy.

If I need to take a flight out on Friday, I can do it....

If I want to spend the weekend at home, watching/ catching up with the DVDs, I can do it..

 

So never doubt yourself... You are as good as you should be..

Don't let doubts about your physical, educational, financial status affect you.

It is nice to have that someone special, but if there isn't one at the moment, enjoy some ME time.

[Exynos]

I assume there isn't anything BAD about being single - sure there're plenty of perks, and many good things surrounding it, but at the end of the day there's just this thought at the back of your head that makes you wonder what's going on.

 

At least for me it goes like this. I have a strong urge for love to be perfect, all the more I've never been in love, then my first love must be perfect and go according to plan. And what is that, exactly? It means

 

- both of us are stable (financially, mentally, physically, etc)

- at least one of us owns a place

- at least one of us drives

- we both can have time to travel around for holiday

 

it's so materialistic, you can call me superficial but I don't see a point in a relationship where we head to Kopitiam for meals, or have to pay $12 to a sauna for 30 minutes to make love... it's not perfect and it will definitely annoy me, so I can't accept it.

 

that's probably why i have a liking to mature/rich men, because i know they will have what i perceive to be the criteria for a perfect love. and yet it's so wrong, because i come across as being a money boy, yet not many other people meet such requirements. it's such a conflict, and i had to struggle with these thoughts so often that i realized one thing

 

If I can't find someone who can meet my requirements, I will be the man who meet my requirements.

 

I will be the one who can earn enough money next time to get my car, my unit (or at least a room or something), my career and basically be what I really really really want in myself - stability.

 

Once I've reached that stage, I don't have to worry anymore - I can try to woo people, and try to be in a relationship, because all that's left is the "chemistry", and it will be a perfect first love. And i won't need to think that we don't have a room to fuck, we don't have enough money to go on the ocassional romantic incidents, we don't have enough time to be with each other... everything will be perfectly in place.

 

Maybe there's something wrong in my mind but that's really how I think and I cannot change it. I just feel llike it's meaningless if it's not perfect.

[Wilbur]

Take things one step at a time.

 

If you're ready to be dating, then go ahead and date. It is up to you to choose if you want to date one at a time or many at once. However once you know who you're ready to commit to, work towards dating exclusively. Which means dating only that one person and not the rest. Then slowly, into a relationship.

 

I feel that many young guys (not all) jumped into a relationship without knowing a single thing about handling his own feelings or the partners. End up, both parties get hurt and breaks up. Though upsetting but it is a learning journey.

 

Don't worry about being single at 21. I only came to terms with my sexuality at 22 and got attached at 23. You're still young

[Guest Guest]

Don't worry about being single at 21. I only came to terms with my sexuality at 22 and got attached at 23. You're still young

 

so before that did u like girls?

[Guest me]

A lot of "take things slowly" here. I'm similar to you demographically, but dissimilar psychologically. But honestly, in the eternal words of Lana Del Rey, "live fast, die young, and have fun"

[GreatMast]

A lot of "take things slowly" here. I'm similar to you demographically, but dissimilar psychologically. But honestly, in the eternal words of Lana Del Rey, "live fast, die young, and have fun"

I love the las line!

[TheVisitors]

TS :

 

It had been 3 yrs you have been here and changed your profile name 3 times, but it seems you are still the same.  Although outwardly you can display a façade that you have grown up, with less things that are able to bother you, but you are not free inside

 

You may claim you are a person who likes freedom. This means you are a free spirited person. A free spirited person lives in his own beliefs without being affected by others. He paves his own destiny, without depending on the rules imposed by the world.

 

You would like to think you are a free spirited but you are not. Because a truly free soul would not ask the opinions from others on what they think about his life, or get affected by online people he has yet to met, from the virtual world

 

There are some contradictions I spotted. But correct me if my analysis are wrong.

 

If you want a special person who gives you unconditional special love, what makes you think you are special to deserve it?

What assets be it in personality or physicality, that you have , which you think you deserve a bit more than the rest?

 

It is perfectly fine to be materialistically fulfilled, but being in that materialistically driven mode, does it really makes you emotionally fulfilled and happy?

 

Unfortunately, as much as people all want to believe in true love or fantasies from the Mills and Blooms, they do not dare to admit, as human, they can only like someone ( not even close to love, lust if I can use this word), because a person's physicality fits into their visual appetite, or their personal resume, on whose going to fit into as their Mr Right.

 

But are you the complimentary Mr Right with no flaws to offer?

 

If you described yourself as someone with unattractive physicality, yet, unable to concentrate on one, but rather spread his attention very thinly on a few, you will achieve nothing in the end.

 

It is quite interesting here ( this maybe an offensive part) 

 

On one hand you know your physicality has very limited market value in the gay market, yet, you are a bit picky with people you want to spend your time with, or even to be seen with

 

So what do you really want?

 

Thus actually, emotionally you are still immature  even to  understand who you really are, how the real forces of the gay world really works, and how are you able to achieve your own aligned equilibrium within.

 

You are a free person, if you can achieve your inner aligned equilibrium, When this is achieved, nothing really matters. What people think of you doesn't even bother you anymore. Then you are able to find your own answers to your questions, without  the need to consult people who either don't even have a clue what you are, or care a damn who you are

 

Sometimes , people think that having more choices means they are freely overwhelmed.

But the more choices you have, you may be more confused with the array of buffet, rather than focusing and appreciating what who you are and what you already have in hand.

 

Many people fall prey to this:

They allow these choices ahead of them ,to control them, rather than cleverly select which are useful resources to them, that can be called upon in times of need

 

Material things are important to everyone. They are mere assets that guides us safely, so that we are financially free, in this life time, till we die

 

But obsession  with these material stuff, cannot and can never remove your loneliness within.

They are merely escapism from the real issues within

 

 

I personally know some of the wealthiest people with tremendous amount of assets owned, are in fact the loneliest people on planet earth.

 

The sad fact is that the wealthier you are, you will be surrounded by the more superficial friends.

 

They merely like you not because who you are, but your contacts, your connections, your money and your fast cars.

 

If I was a very wealthy chap, I would shut my mouth, and not tell anyone my status or review to any soul, my assets

 

Btw, if you find people are not interesting to connect with you over the virtual world, you have to really ask yourself were you pushy towards them or did you present yourself as a Desperately seeking Susan.  .That was one side of the coin we didn't hear from you.

 

Flirting, whether with a person in front of you or with someone in the virtual world, is really an art. But it needs to be refined through time and experiences , just like one's taste in wine

 

take care Dude

 

PS- I have  a good friend who owns a 2 door white VW Sccircco. He allows me to drive it once awhile , but seriously, I am not even impressed with it

       In the end, I rather he chauffeurs me around

[Guest Guest]

21 years old? I doubt the maturity is there for a serious rs yet. I had bfs in the past who were still in their 20s when I was already in my 30s. They cannot understand why I am tired after my work and still insist I accompany them everyday. They cannot understand that I need some time alone once in a while. They cannot understand why I need to hold on to my job when I hated it so much. They think the world is a fairy tale like wonderful place. Thinking back, I should have just remained single instead of getting myself involved with a 20 something year old boy.

[Guest Guest]

Return of the attention seeker!!!

[samdiggin]

I tried to figure out why no one wants to be with me; I attributed it to many things - my looks, my figure, my attitude, my personality... something, which I just can't fathom till this day and it annoys me whenever my mind reaches this roadblock.

 

I suddenly feel afraid because there're still other guys I know online whom I've never met even of coffee/a meal... how am I sure this particular person is the one, and that the others are not?

 

But what I'm most fearful of is that I feel like because I'm kinda gonna date or commit myself to this person, it feels like it's wrong to be talking to other guys (not from say, Jack'd, but guys whom I know from Jack'd, added into Facebook and are still trying to arrange a meeting), and that kills me, because I don't know if what I'm doing is correct. I don't know if I'm "supposed" to suddenly close everyone off and commit to this one guy because we have a shot at something. 

 

It feels very silly, but I'm overtaken by this fear every time. So I push away every guy who likes me and has expressed interest to be with me, because I fear for my freedom, and I feel like I have something to be responsible for (his feelings, for example) and it suffocates me.

 

What you said reminded me of myself except you are afraid your freedom gets reduced? 

 

Im 21 (turning 22 soon) too. I do like someone but I guess it's just one-sided. So...I have turned down people because of this one-sided love. Yes it may sound stupid and naive but it just didn't feel right to me, like you would say. It's like restricting myself for someone who doesnt care. Freedom isnt that much of a concern to be before, I was more concern if I was even ready for a relationship and when the feeling hit me, I just wanted to delve into it.

 

Maybe you haven't come to this point but when you do, you may really wish you hadn't. I definitely don't regret whatever that has happened but of course I wished things turned out differently. Still, perhaps once you fall for someone, who doesn't quite reciprocate your feelings, and having done all the things you have, you may get stuck. Moving on sounds easy but sometimes it's really not. So thing is, when the feeling comes, things happen. And you really don't quite know what will happen sometimes.

[Exynos]

 

Maybe you haven't come to this point but when you do, you may really wish you hadn't. I definitely don't regret whatever that has happened but of course I wished things turned out differently. Still, perhaps once you fall for someone, who doesn't quite reciprocate your feelings, and having done all the things you have, you may get stuck. Moving on sounds easy but sometimes it's really not. So thing is, when the feeling comes, things happen. And you really don't quite know what will happen sometimes.

 

oh believe me i had many one-sided loves when I was younger... it gets better I think. i can now use one night to get over anybody.

 

@thevisitors: i hope you don't think i've never changed, because you're my friend and you were the start of my jorney to start self-reflecting. i only have one thing to say though: i agree with you and i acknowledge my faults. it's a part of me that's bad, but i don't regret being myself. at the very least, because i know i have these flaws , i don't go spreading my immaturity to people, i don't desperately jump into relationships with anyone who wants to be with me and hurt the both of us. and i'm quite proud of that, at the least.

[Shawt Sunny]

If u are to be in a stage to date someone... i say its best to go slow and focus one at a time.... if u feel thay person is worth ur attention and commitment, go ahead and give it a shot... go on a dating phase... see if u are ok or not... and for those that u met from social apps and u have added them to facebook, let them be your friends... and if they insist to meet up for meal, plan it out together with your that... just so that if you were to fall off the track and get attracted to the new guy ure meeting, atleast you have ur date there to reind you thay you already have someone...

This is what i think...

Didnt sleep whole nite, sorry, i dunno if im making sense... hahahahaja...

[TheVisitors]

oh believe me i had many one-sided loves when I was younger... it gets better I think. i can now use one night to get over anybody.

 

@thevisitors: i hope you don't think i've never changed, because you're my friend and you were the start of my jorney to start self-reflecting. i only have one thing to say though: i agree with you and i acknowledge my faults. it's a part of me that's bad, but i don't regret being myself. at the very least, because i know i have these flaws , i don't go spreading my immaturity to people, i don't desperately jump into relationships with anyone who wants to be with me and hurt the both of us. and i'm quite proud of that, at the least.

No my friend, you know I have never judged or despised you for what you are, or how you look like since day 1,  I knew you.

 

I was concern because you sounded you were going berserk !

[Exynos]

No my friend, you know I have never judged or despised you for what you are, or how you look like since day 1,  I knew you.

 

I was concern because you sounded you were going berserk !

 

if berserk I would be in IMH hahaaha i will keep my insanity to myself!

[ChiSquare]

Sometimes I also wonder what's wrong with me...   :ph34r:  

 

[Guest Truth]

It's okay you are not as bad as that someone who is trolling the pinkdot thread

[azimuth]

More often than not, the best relationship comes when you are not looking. Just live life to the fullest now and take things one step at a time. Expanding your social network will help too as well as not having unrealistic expectations. :-)

[undies87]

yea I second azimuth.. enjoy your peace of mind while you still have it.. and let nature take its course.. in the mean time expand your social network, go out make more friends. )

[Guest Guest]

Most peeps dun wan attention queens....which u r darling.

[Guest -infrared-]

I've asked myself that same question for the past 28 years. I know there's nothing wrong with me (my friends can attest to that), but somehow I've never had such luck when it comes to relationships. I've never been on a proper date or know how it feels like to hold hands with someone you love. I always believe that it takes more than chemistry for two people to come and be together - there's always luck, timing AND fate.  

 

That said, I have myself to blame - sometimes.  I may seem like a very confident person, but I'm painfully shy when it comes to guys. I'm also bugged by feelings of inadequacy - every now and then I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone. 

 

I've tried apps like Jack'd and Grindr of late, though. Never have a good feeling about these but we'll see how things go I suppose. 

[Guest LONEly NIGht]

I always believe there bound to be someone at somewhere is meant for u , so be patience. 天那! 我的他又在那里?

[schmuckisms]

All the advice I can offer you:

 

Go read Seneca's Letters From A Stoic. The Robin Campbell translation for ease of reading.

Edited July 7, 2013 by schmuckisms

[Butterscotch]

I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this, but I think it's time for you to get over yourself. Don't always attribute the lack of love in your life to you yourself. Perhaps it's not the opportune time for you to meet someone and be in a relationship. That's fine. As plenty of others have mentioned above, you are still in the prime of your life. Your twenties is a good time to explore, make mistakes, learn from them, and understand yourself better.

 

You seem like a really good guy and have a good grasp of yourself. You just need to stop overthinking and overanalyzing things and just explore the path and enjoy the process. Sure, sometimes you will fall flat on your face or butt, but it's just when you want to get up and continue with your journey.

 

Good luck!

[mamamia]

I knew my first ex through a gay personnel website many years back , we broke off when he went overseas for work. I then met my 2nd bf at a sauna but later broke off after a few years because of some reasons. I have been out of local gay scenes for many years - had stopped going to saunas , don't have a social life with any gay people coz I am quite a private person, don't like to drink or karaoke, hence I don't visit gay pubs etc. The only means I look for someone is through the mobile applications like growl or mister nowadays. But it seems that most people in Singapore are very busy meeting up , or they just shuns my age ( me in my mid 40s) even though they said I still look good. Anyway , is going to the Saunas nowadays the best venue to meet a prospective boy friend ? Can someone share with me how to meet a prospectivs bf , especially the local gay scenes nowadays.