Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you like to Screw?

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.

Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”

Edited January 12, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Check your Dirty IQ!

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replied, "I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside is all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey – it’s not that hard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Herpes

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I am here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: SEE ! SEE ! SEE ! SEE !

An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull.

After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was.

The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?"

The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."

The woman turned to her husband and said; "See!"

The old man was displeased but said nothing.

They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."

Again the woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See!"

The old man was annoyed but remained silent.

They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question.

The reply was: "You must make sure your bull makes love at least once every day."

The woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See! See!"

This time the old man got angry and asked the owner: "But does your bull always make love to the same cow?"

The owner replied; "You stupid. No! No! Many Many cows."

The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said: "See! See! See! See!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fxxk your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Tight Pussy

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy's hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.

She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

[worldangel]

Joke: New Therapist

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.

After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.

John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night.

A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week?

This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month?

Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.

John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy said, Once a year!

To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?

The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job Interview

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.

The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.

The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one."

"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.

He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man’s face.

"I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Matt

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teacher?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teacher, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teacher, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlour, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teacher, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[Guest surelyugessian]

got any gay jokes or not?

[worldangel]

got any gay jokes or not?

Gay Joke: Seeing Doctor

A gay man goes to the doctor and complains that his husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives him a pill, but warns him it is still experimental and tells his to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, he does.

About a week later he's back at the doctor. He says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", he says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Gay Problems

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcoholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The doctor puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcoholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together.

The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at it.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fxxked"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Old Gay Man

What a drag it is getting old...

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Ashes to Ashes

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chilies, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: A Week in Hell

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waiting for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke."

The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: The Shower

Two gay men are having passionate sex in the shower when the front doorbell rings.

One man says to his partner, "I'll get it. Be right back. Just don't cum before I get back, okay?"

He gets out to answer to door.

When he comes back he sees that the shower is covered in thick white stuff. Annoyed, he asks, "What the hell? I thought I told you not to cum."

His partner replies, "I didn't. I farted."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Blowing Smoke

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing Smoke." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing Smoke." he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Unused Lover

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"

"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the colour didn't suit you.

His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: A Couple of Shots

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders ask, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Gay Guys in Heaven

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife.

St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Confused Bank Robbers

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Circumcised

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.

They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.

That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter’s room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[worldangel]

Joke: Indecent Proposal

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"

She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then replies, "Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."

The man then asks, "Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"

Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"

The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

[worldangel]

Joke: The 4th Finger

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Exhausted Wife

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.

“Oh, I still love him,” she replied, “but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

“Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.

“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing To Do With You

A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.”.

“Listen, love.” He replied, “It’s got nothing to do with you, I’ve paid my fare for this journey and I’ll do what I damn well want on this train.” He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, “Could you stop that noise, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” replies the old woman, “I’ve paid my fare and I’ll do what I want on this train.”

At that, the man grabbed the woman’s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, “Ha ha, you’ll get fined $200 for that!”

To which the old woman replied, “And you’ll get six years when the police smell your fingers”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Hookers

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

“I entertained a cowboy last night”, says the first.

“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.

“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”

“Sounds like a cowboy, all right.” the others say.

“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

“I had a farmer for a client,” comments the third.

“How could you possibly know he was a farmer?” she is asked.

“Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Long Time No See

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g, h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Coffee and Oatmeal

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning."

"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: New Driving License

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.

The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.

My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Birthday

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left...

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepper

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again.

She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.

She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.

The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Buttock Skin

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

Joke: Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birth Control Pill

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy.

I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found?

The birth control pill!

[worldangel]

Joke: Qualified for Disability

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Way to get Rich

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.

So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Nice House

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.

It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.

The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Tackle Box

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Insurance Money

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Women

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty Nurse

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I

end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Geezer

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The lady replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"