Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: It was only your Reflection

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."

[worldangel]

Joke: Union House

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in a big city and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Guest amidst_the_stars]

lOLZ okok got it. Sorry I am abit naive.

Edited April 3, 2011 by amidst_the_stars

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bi-Man

A young virgin marries a Bi-man, and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Bi-man, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to.

Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over, and she says, "No, my father said I don't have to do this."

Her husband says, "Okay, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is called?

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boy’s dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

[worldangel]

Joke: At Gynaecologist

A woman walks into her Gynecologist and the doctor says "Miss why do you have "F" on your stomach"?

The woman replies: "I went to bed last night with Fred and refused to take off his belt".

A couple of weeks later, she goes to her Gynecologist again and the doctor says: "Miss why do you have "C" imprinted on your stomach"?

The woman replies: "I went to bed with Chris last night and he refused to take his belt off".

A couple of months pass, the woman goes to her Gynecologist again, and this time the woman has "F and C" imprinted on her stomach.

The doctor says: "Miss now I know you didn't go to bed with Fred and Chris last night".

And the woman replies: "No, I went to bed last night with the Fire Chief and he refused to take off his helmet".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pilot

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ballerina

A woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, once again revealing her hairy armpit, and demanded, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The little drunk replied, "Sir!, To me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina"

[worldangel]

Joke: Our Dog

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a pxxno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse pxxno flick ever...... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action.

Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to see our dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Income Taxes

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and the Heaven told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend John. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

John replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: She is a Lesbian

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He orders a drink and looks around to scope out any hot chicks. He spies one at the end of the bar and asks the bartender to send her a drink.

The bartender says, "Buddy, you don't want to buy her a drink. She's a waste of time."

The guy says, "Waste of time? She's hot."

Bartender, "She's a lesbian."

Guy, "So, I wanna buy her a drink anyway. Maybe today she'll swing the other way."

So the bartender takes the woman a drink and points to the guy who bought it for her.

Sure enough, she gets off of her barstool and makes her way down the bar where she takes a seat next to the guy.

She seductively says, "Thanks for the drink. Would you like to see my tits?"

"Sure!" he says happily. So she pulls her blouse up, and he leans forward and takes a nice long look at her tits.

"Would you like to touch my thighs?" she purrs.

"Oh, yeah." So she hikes up her skirt and he runs his hands up and down her thighs.

Now she gets right in his face and whispers, "Would you like to smell pussy?"

"Absolutely."

She waves to her girlfriend to come over. As her girlfriend walks over to the couple, the guy starts to get excited thinking he might get lucky with both of them.

When her girlfriend gets to the couple, she is told "this guy wants to smell my pussy".

So the girlfriend leans in close to the guy and blows in his face.

[clementi]

Joke: Family Table Talk

A family is sitting around the supper table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" said the boy

"Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father replied

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "

"A Christmas tree?" said the daughter

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

[clementi]

Joke: First Sperm

Once there was a sperm named Bob.

When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.

One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don’t you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there."

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t.

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!"

[clementi]

Joke: Frosting

One day a mom and her son went to the zoo.

There, they saw two monkeys having sex.

The son asked "What are they doing?".

The mom said "Ohh, they are making frosting", then

they saw hippos doing it then he said "Mom what are they doing?"

"Making frosting" she said.

Later that night he saw there mom doing it.

In the morning he said "Mom, you and dad were making frosting, so I ate it!"

[clementi]

Joke: Father-in-Law

One day, my husband was at home, but I was working late.

My father-in-law was at my house too.

My husband always likes it, when I made love to him in the dark, so after I got home I went upstairs and made love to him in the dark.

Then I went downstairs and my husband was sitting on the couch.

I said, "how'd you get down here before me?" He said "shhh! My dad is upstairs sleeping in our bed"

[clementi]

Joke: Fruit Farmer

Two guys driving and there car breaks

So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight"

The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her"

Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her

The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favourite fruit.

Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed

So the two guys set out to pick there fruit

The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries.

To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun

And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass"

Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling,

He gets to 50 and he starts laughing,

Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers

Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?"

The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"

[clementi]

Joke: Glove and Panties

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.

The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

[clementi]

Joke: Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinking’?

[clementi]

Joke: fxxking Bank Account

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says, ’Can I help you, sir’

He goes, ’ Yea u fxxking bitch I wanna open a fxxking account’

Clerk, ’Please there’s no need for cussin’

’Yo motherfxxka I just wanna open a fxxking account.’

’Sir I’ll help u but watch ur language’

So the manager comes over,’ Is there a problem here?’

Dude says,’ Yea mothafxxka I’m trying to fxxking open a motherfxxking account an’ this motherfxxking’ bitch won’t let me.’

’Please sir don’t curse and how much are you opening the account with?’

Dude,’ 7 million $$’

Manager,’ And this motherfxxking bitch ain’t helping’ you?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Driving License

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up and said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marital Problem

Mickey had a nervous breakdown because of marital problems with Minnie. So they go to the marriage counselor to see if they can patch things up.

Mickey goes on and on his problems with Minnie, until the counselor has heard enough and interrupts him.

"Okay, Mickey, I get the picture. You're having all these problems in your marriage because you think Minnie is crazy?"

"That's not what I said, doc!," Mickey replies. "I said she's fxxking Goofy!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How is the Smell?

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him, died at the scene.

[worldangel]

Joke: Always keep condom in the Car

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

[worldangel]

Joke: In Gym Locker Room

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[worldangel]

Joke: Moon River

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.

One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man it’s been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied, "Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first."

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.

Still having strong reservations Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, "Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sex Therapist

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" Her friend said, looking slightly shocked.

The therapist nodded. "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head.

The therapist said, "I didn't think so."

[worldangel]

Joke: Greenish Colour

A woman consulted her physician with the complaint that the insides of her thighs had acquired a greenish color.

After much research and consultation with experts in the field, her physician informed her that he believed he had found a diagnosis, but would have to ask her a rather personal question.

"Is your husband a Greatful Dead fan?"

"Why yes, he is," she replied, "In fact we met at a Dead show and were avid followers of their itinerary right up until the death of Jerry Garcia"

"Well, you can tell your husband" advised the doctor "that his earrings are not real gold!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sailor

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a brothel.

The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm desperate, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have winter in my hair, but I've got summer in my heart."

The sailor says, "Yeah, if you don't get a little more spring in your ass, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Men

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first old geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kind of Breasts

A family is sitting around the supper table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, like women, men go through phases, too. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard with it's sturdy acorns. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls just hang there for decoration!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

'One day we should get her for this,' said the first boy.'

I agree. We'll grab her...' said the second.

'Yeah,' said the third. 'And then we'll kick her in the nuts!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Foreplay

Chuck finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby." she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Couples

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.

When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years - I wonder how the girls are doing?"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Testicles

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Mahoney, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted.

She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Brothers

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[clementi]

Joke: Hot Old Lady

A 65 year old guy and his wife are talking about 30 years ago when they first met.

He says do you remember that first night at the hotel and she says yup.

He’s eating breakfast and so is she when he says I was so hot for you back then and she says I too was so hot for you then in fact I am still so hot for you, my breasts are still hot for you.

The guy says well they should be. One’s in your oatmeal and the other ones in your coffee.

[clementi]

Joke: Horny Cheerleaders

Three horny cheerleaders decide to take their boyfriends to a hotel and get fxxked.

So they check in at the hotel and go to their rooms.

But their parents get worried for them and go looking for them.

They find the hotel and go inside. They go up into the hallway and hear their girls.

From one room they hear a loud scream. They barge into the room and shout, "why are you screaming?”.

The cheerleader replies, "because it hurts!".

Then, in the next room they here giggling, so they bust into the room and shout, "why are you giggling?".

The cheerleader says, "because it tickles!". Then, the parents listen and listen, but can’t hear the last girl, so they ask the other two where she is.

The girls show them to the last girl’s room, and kick down the door, to find the last of the girls still being fxxked. Her parents ask her, "why the fxxk weren’t you screaming, or giggling?".

The cheerleader immediately answered, "but you told me not to talk with my mouth full!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Superpussy

An old woman in a nursing home kind of lost it one day and stripped off all of her clothes and took the sheet off the bed. She tied it around her neck like a cape and ran down the hall saying,

"SUPERPUSSY."

She did this trying to get some attention from the nursing staff but they weren't paying attention, so she jumped in the doorway of an old man's room and landed in a pose saying,

"SUPERPUSSY."

The old man looked up, thought for a second and said, "I think I'll have the soup."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s that mean?

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.

Their son walked in and said "what’s that mean?" the parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "what’s that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said.

The kid came in, "what’s that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fxxk" she said

Once again their kid came in and said "what’s that mean?"

The mom said that’s was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving.

The kid said, "allright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fxxking the turkey!

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Flea

There was this little flea, and he was laying on the beach in LA sunning himself, when this other little flea comes walking along, shivering and rubbing his arms.

The first flea said, "Why are you freezing it's beautiful and sunny in LA. How did you get here?"

And the second little flea said, "Well I just rode down here for vacation from NJ on a biker's mustache, and it was a long cold ride. I don't think I'll ever be warm again."

So the first flea said, "Man, you did it all wrong... the next time you start to head down for vacation, go into a woman's bathroom, climb up on the seat and wait, when someone comes, jump on in, it will be a nice, warm, wet, cushy ride all the way here."

So the next year, the first little flea was laying on the beach in LA, and the second little flea comes walking along freezing, shivering, rubbing himself all over.

So the first flea says, "Why are you freezing now, didn't you do what I said?"

And the little flea said, "Yeah, I did just what you said, and you were so right... it was nice and warm... wet and cushy... and I was so happy... And the next thing I know I'm on a biker's mustache freezing my ass of all the way to LA."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m practicing like you, Dad

A father is sitting in his chair watching TV when all of a sudden his 9-year old son comes running through the house.

The boy runs into the kitchen grabs a handful of M&M's pops them in his mouth runs back through the living room grabs the cat, bites the cat and runs out the door.

The father sits there dumbfounded and wonders what his son is doing. Well a few minutes later the boy runs back in the house and does the same exact thing.

He runs into the kitchen, grabs a handful of M&M's pops them in his mouth then runs into the living room grabs the cat, bites him and runs out the door.

Now the father is REALLY curious about what his son is doing so the next time he comes in he was just going to have to ask.

Well sure enough a few minutes later here comes his son running into the house to the kitchen grabs a handful of the M&M's runs into the living room grabs the cat and bites him and when he went to run out the door his father stops him and says, "son what in the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." says his son.

"Then why are you running into the kitchen grabbing a handful of M&M's popping them in your mouth then running in here grabbing the cat and biting him then taking off out the door?"

The boy replies," I'm practicing on being a biker like you daddy... popping pills, eating pussy and running'!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Construction Worker

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and he sees another man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fxxk is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

[clementi]

Joke: How Kinky Are You

A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde haired girl across the way making eyes at him.

He goes over and says, "Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure," she says, "have a seat."

The man sits down and they get to talking. "You know," the man says, "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me.

She said I was too kinky in bed." "REALLY?!?!" the girl says, "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky.

Do you want to go back to my place and get a little kinky?"

So they finish their drinks and leave.

When they get to the girls house, she says, "Wait there I’m going to slip into something a little more kinky."

She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door.

She says, "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!"

He says, "Goodness, lady I already shit in your purse and fxxked your dog.

What more do you want me to do?"

[clementi]

Joke: In The Dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark.

No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me.

Explain yourself immediately!!"

The husband says "Okay, I'll explain.

But first you explain the kids."

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymooning

Two guys are out fishing and one guy just got back from his honeymoon.

Friend: "How was the honeymoon?"

Married guy replies: "Awe it all right did a lot of fishing', and well, you know how I like to fish."

Friend: "Well didn't you fxxk?"

Married guy: "Oh no she had gonorrhea, and well, you know how I like to fish."

Friend: "Why didn't you just roll her over?"

Married guy: She had diarrhea, and well, you know how I like to fish."

Friend: "Well didn't you at least get a blow job?"

Married guy: "No, no, she had pyorrhea, and well, you know how I like to fish."

Friend: "Well what the hell did you marry her for?"

Married guy: "Well she had worms, and you know how I like to fish."

[clementi]

Joke: Little Town Restaurant

One day a cowboy came into a little town restaurant. He looked through the menu and found some bull balls

"Ummm... waitress, why are there bulls balls on the menu?"

"Well Sir, you see, we have a bull riding contest every Friday and whoever looses then we cut off its balls."

"O, i see. Well I’ll come back on Saturday cause I want them fresh."

"Ok, good bye Sir!"

So he comes back on Saturday, the day after the bull riding contest.

"Ok I’ll have the bull’s balls, thank you."

"Alrite Sir, commin rite up!"

So he got his bull’s balls but they looked smaller some how!

"Ummm... waitress, they look kinda small for a bull."

"We’ll Sir, the bull doesn’t always loose..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Story of 3 Ducks

So there was these three ducks blowing bubbles in the pond.

A cop passes by and takes them to jail.

They go to court and the judge asks the first duck what did you do?

The first duck says I was blowing bubbles in the pond.

The Judge says your going to jail.

Then the second duck comes in and the judge asks what did you do?

The second duck says i was blowing bubbles in the pond.

The judge says your going to jail.

Then the third duck comes in and the judge asks what did you do?

The third duck says I don't know, but my name is Bubbles

[worldangel]

Joke: Gorilla

A husband and wife decide to take a trip to the zoo, as they get to the Gorilla cage the husband notices the gorilla start to rub his cock.

"fxxkING HELL!" he said "it likes you babe take your clothes off."

She turned to her husband and said "no way someone will see."

Her husband shook his head and said "no they won't there is nobody here, slowly she stripped off and the gorilla went crazy, cock like a baseball bat.

Suddenly the man grabbed his wife and threw her in the cage and locked the door

His wife started screaming "let me out this bastard will kill me..."

"fxxk off" said her husband "tell that bastard you have a headache"

[worldangel]

Joke: First Blow Job

This guy enters a bar one night and ask the bar tender for ten shots of tequila, the bartender looks up and asks ten shots what’s the occasion?

The man replies well I'm celebrating.

The barkeep asks celebrating what?

My first blow job.

Well hell let me buy you a shot on the house.

The man replies shit if ten don’t get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!