Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Drink Bar

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him.

The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like.

He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers.

He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Income Tax Return

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me".

He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone".

The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this."

The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home.

When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money.

She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugliest Tits

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuse Us, Boys

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parent’s bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Stupid Husband

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken Dish

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.

You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.

You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Science Subject

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine"

[worldangel]

Joke: Popular Family Trends

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

[worldangel]

Joke: Carmen

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.

He says, "What's your name?"

She says, "Carmen."

He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"

She says, "No, I named myself."

He says, "Why Carmen?"

She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"

He says, "Beerfxxk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kinky Sex

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fxxking talking aren't you?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Newly Wed Couple

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

Husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

Wife: i'm flat chested.

Husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

Husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

Wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

Husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

Wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

Husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bus Drivers Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: 2 Wonderful Hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Aches and Pains

At a nursing home in a, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Easily Explained

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: First Visit

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: An Elderly Woman’s Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.

"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery!"

[worldangel]

Joke: After the TV Show …..

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky.

He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Physical Examination

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

s she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[worldangel]

Joke: Unfaithfulness

The couple had been married for twenty years.

It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful.

The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him.

One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.

He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!"

She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Larry’s Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Red- and Greenring Problem

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, what are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him.

As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.

The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him.

The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".

The man says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

Edited May 28, 2011 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Tricked Him

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girl’s climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

[clementi]

Joke: After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

[clementi]

Joke: Gold Medallist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

[clementi]

Joke: Subject: Health Question & Answer Session

Q: I'm 65 years old. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

[clementi]

Joke: Favourite Chocolate Chip

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.

He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”

”Those are for the funeral”

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon.

"So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!"

Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Goodness! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Farmers

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in.

So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do.

The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out.

So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles.

They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.

The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied.

The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response.

When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.

The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"

The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why you never got married?

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married.

I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend.

I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Night

Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Handsome Young Lad

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient.

"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[clementi]

Joke: American Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

[clementi]

Joke: Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

[clementi]

Joke: Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

"I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

[clementi]

Joke: Home from the Air Force

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonourable discharge!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bad News

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

[clementi]

Joke: 90 Year Old with 18-Year Old Wife

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner Invitation

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here,"

the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Edited May 29, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bruce

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Geriatric Woman

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang.

She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door.

"Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.

A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!".

"Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back.

"Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off.

"Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys".

"Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

Edited May 29, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Drugstore

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"