Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Precious Little Girl

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

[worldangel]

Joke: Palm Reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good- and Bad News

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[clementi]

Joke: Really Bad News

"Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked grandpa Sam when his doctor called with his test results.

"I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the doctor.

"The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."

"Oh my God," gasped Sam as he dropped to his knees.

"What could be worse news than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."

[clementi]

Joke: Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[clementi]

Joke: Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[clementi]

Joke: For Seniors Only

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles.

You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB.

potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

[clementi]

Joke: The Good Old Days

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Card Game

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "

"A rose?" asked Red.

"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Old Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defence lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date.

He sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him.

He figured that the parents would think it was the dog.

Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him!

[worldangel]

Joke: A Young Couple

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Decision, Decisions!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Whorehouse

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Info from the Doctor

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

[clementi]

Joke: $100 bills

A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks if the guy does $100 bills.

''Sure'', says the artist.

''Where you want it?''

''Wrap it around my prick'', says the customer.

''Why do you want it on your prick?'' asked the tattoo artist.

''Three reasons'', replied the man thoughtfully,

'' One, I like to play with my money.

Two, I like watching my money grow.

Three, my wife loves to blow money.''

[clementi]

Joke: 69

Once a girl is quite fantasised about "69".She has a regular boyfriend they have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner.

After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69".

But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69.

Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69.

She asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69.

The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. So he does as the GF tells him to do.

They lay down in this position for about 2 min. She is thinking that he will, by the time, get excited by this.

But suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her BF's face.

GF quickly apologises and asks him to stay in that position for some more time.

After 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger than the previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and yells at her..

"If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

[clementi]

Joke: Mental Institution

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,

"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago"

[clementi]

Joke: Modern Version Of The Birds & Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway! "

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-Up appeared nine months later that said:

You got Male.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Age

Howard, 95, is talking to Marge, 87, about how much he misses sex due to his age.

“But you couldn’t get that thing up even if I put a gun to your head,” she says.

“I know,” he replies, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it up for a while.”

So Marge unzips his trousers and proceeds to hold his man-thing.

Soon, they start to meet every night to talk, while Marge holds Howard’s manhood.

But then one night Marge comes across Howard with another woman, who too is holding his thing up in the same way.

“You two-timing creep!” she yells.

”What does she have that I don’t ?”

Howard smiles and says “Parkinson’s”.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: $500

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pinch My Nipples

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

[worldangel]

Joke: Play Dice?

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. Along comes a beautiful young blonde who wants to bet £10,000 on a single roll of the dice.

But she insists, ‘I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.’ The two men are delighted and readily agree.

So she takes off all her clothes and rolls the dice while yelling, ‘Be lucky . . Be lucky . . Be lucky.‘ As the dice stops she yells, ‘YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.’

She jumps up and down, kissing and hugging the dealers. Then she picks up her money and clothes and rushes away. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, ‘What did she roll, anyway?’

‘I don't know,’ replied the second, ‘I hoped you were watching.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast

In a farm in a village, a man comes down the stairs one morning and greets his wife who's making breakfast by grabbing and squeezing her buttocks roughly.

"Y'know dear", he says, "if that thing could lay eggs, we'd could get rid of our chickens".

She looks at him with a tired smile, clearly showing her distaste at his manners but says nothing.

The man proceeds to roughly grab and squeeze one of her breasts.

"Y'know dear," he adds, "If these things could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

Quite exasperated, the woman puts down her spatula and very roughly grabs for her husbands testiciles and penis.

"Y'know DEAR," she mutters through clenched teeth, "if that THING could stay hard, we could get rid of your BROTHER!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Bored

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?"??asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Windy Day

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Retired Husband

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

'What are you doing dear?' Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females 'How do you know what sex they were?'

'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Older Women

Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a Christmas party at their country club.

"My dear," said Melinda, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Coleen.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Melinda.

Coleen responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting around talking.

The 80 year old said; the best thing that could happen to me would just be able to have a good pee.

I stand there for twenty minutes and it dribbles and hurts.

I have to go over and over again.

The 85 year old said: the best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on but it’s still a problem.

The 90 year old said: That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00am sharp I have a good long pee.

At 6:30am sharp I have a great bowel movement the best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00am.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: 50 Years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: $100

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."After a minute or two John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied,

"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'

Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: All in the Mind

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

[clementi]

Joke: New Secretary

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[clementi]

Joke: An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[clementi]

Joke: Just an Old Man

An elderly man in a village had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.? As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[clementi]

Joke: Perfumes

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

[clementi]

Joke: Car Selling

Three persons were sitting on a footpath holding there head with both hands in disgust after selling there cars.

The second person asked the first person why did he sell his car. He replied my son is a bitch he presses his mother's breast and used to say "dad the horn is blown like this", so what else should I do?

The second person was asked the same question. He said my son is bastard, he hold my penis and says "papa ours car's gear is put like this". What else should I do?.

The third person rather disgusted says mine son is worse than you he holds my penis in his hand and putting in his mother’s cunt says "PAPA PETROL IS FILLED LIKE THIS." WHAT ELSE SHOULD I DO?

[clementi]

Joke: Mid-Flight

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Middle-East or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Middle-East. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[clementi]

Joke: Mother-in-Law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldnt say a word. So, she said, Ill go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door...

I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. Moral of the story: Always keep the condoms in the car.

[clementi]

Joke: Bath in The River

A girl after taking bath in a river finds that her clothes missing.

She sees a old man in a cycle, & asks him for a lift to her home.

He says, ok sit on the handle of my cycle & she do.

On reaching her home.

She says Baba thank u so much, but have u not noticed that i have no clothes on my body.

The old man replies, u also not noticed i have no handle in my cycle.

[clementi]

Joke: Condom Sizing

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment.

"Now, take it out. How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

[clementi]

Joke: Crazy Gorilla

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -- sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

Then said, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

[clementi]

Joke: It’s A Rule

Joe is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he spots a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

Joe replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then lays him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day Joe visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts.

A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?" Joe replies, "No!"

The man says, "Its a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The man then knocks Joe to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he’s finished Joe rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit.

On his way out he’s stopped by the manager he asked "Can I help you ?"

Joe says "Here’s my room keys I’m leaving early."

The manager asks why and Joe replies

"I’m 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

[clementi]

Joke: Dentist

Woman visiting dentist, gets into her chair, lowers her panties, lifts her legs.

Dentist: I’m no gynaecologist.

Woman: I know, I want you to pull out my husbands teeth.

[clementi]

Joke: Hot Suzy

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that.

After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[clementi]

Joke: How Cute

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewellery."

[clementi]

Joke: Heart Attack

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."