Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Eskimo

An Eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down.

He got off, and noticed a gas station nearby.

He went over, got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine.

The mechanic bent down, fiddled with the motor, looked back up and said to the Eskimo," I think you just blew a seal."

"No," said the Eskimo, "that's just frost on my moustache."

[clementi]

Joke: Middle-Aged Couple

The middle aged couple were driving along the suburban street when the traffic cop pulled them over.

"You were doing 95 in a built up area", said the cop.

"Rubbish!", replied the husband, "I was only doing 60!"

The cop insisted on 95 and the driver was getting very agitated, when his wife leaned over and said, "Don't argue with him, officer. He's always pigheaded when he's had a few drinks."

[clementi]

Joke: Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies were chatting one day.

They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.”

[clementi]

Joke: Just Married

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

[clementi]

Joke: Penis Surgery

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Best Hunting Dog

This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"

The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit." The guy says "OK, let's see it again."

The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice. The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."

The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.

The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?

The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fxxkin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a Good Diagnosis

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes.

Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr. Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones' came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses'. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses' said "You helped the Smith's, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses', the doc said "ok,ok...stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

[worldangel]

Joke: Notice Anything Different

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? Your penis is hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting the local Whorehouse

Joe was walking down the street when he passed a good looking woman and became incredibly horny. He went to the nearest whorehouse and said, "I need release but I have only got 5 dollars, can you help me?"

The Madam led him to a room and took his money. When he entered the room all he found in there was a goat. Joe thought to himself, "Hey its better than nothing," so he proceeded to fxxk the goat. He left feeling very satisfied.

The next week Joe came back to the whorehouse and told the Madam that this week he had 10 dollars to spend. The Madam led into a room with 3 other guys. He sat down and a velvet curtain opened. He saw two women behind glass having sex with each other, seemingly unaware of the men who were watching.

Joe leaned over to the man next to him and said, "Wow, this is a good show for only 10 bucks!"

The man leaned back over and said, "This is nothing, last week, we saw some guy fxxk a goat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do Something Nice For Dad

Unable to attend his father's funeral, a son who lived far away called his brother who lived near his father.

"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

The next month, he got bill for $200.00, which he paid. But the next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, assuming it was some incidental expense.

But when the third month yet another bill for $200.00 arrived, he finally called his brother to see what was going on.

"Well," said the brother, "you said 'do something nice for Dad.' So I did…I rented him a tuxedo!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Construction Workers

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. When he returns, he says, "Doc, I feel great! What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with those old cement bags!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting a Physical Examination

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Visual Proof

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[clementi]

Joke: 25th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fxxk your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[clementi]

Joke: Job Vacancy at Zoo

Jobs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla untill another one could be found.

Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.

One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."

[clementi]

Joke: Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[clementi]

Joke: Newlywed Couple

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[clementi]

Joke: A Condom Saleswoman

A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.

In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making.

She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.

Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been some time now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these dam things off."

[clementi]

Joke: Mother and Daughter

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fxxking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose.

One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night.

The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!"

Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole.

One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!"

Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum."

Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

[clementi]

Joke: Doc, I feel weak .....

"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."

"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.

"Five or six times a night."

"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.

"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."

[clementi]

Joke: Psychiatrist Advice

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis.

The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.

Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.

"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.

"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

[clementi]

Joke: The Neighbour

The husband comes home early from work and finds his neighbour in bed with his wife.

"I've looked after you for all these years, you bastard!" he shouted at his neighbour, "I've lent you money, loaned you my car, after all I've done for you... and stop doing that while I'm talking to you!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Garbage Man

It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the garbage truck.

One by one, she took the garbage man to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.

Finally, it was the driver's turn, but he was bitterly disappointed when she gave him $20.

"What's this?", he cried.

"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, 'give the driver $20 and fxxk the rest."

[clementi]

Joke: The Sergeant

The Police Sergeant told the young Constable to clean up the drunks hanging around the local bar.

One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"

"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.

"Goodness!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"

[clementi]

Joke: Stress and Depression

The middle aged man was suffering from stress and depression.

"Relax!", was the doctor's advise.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

"No", said the patient, "never touch it."

"There's no harm in a few glasses of wine every night", said the doctor. "Even a cigarete. And have sex, at least once a week. From what you've told me, sex is essential."

Two months later, the patient returned to the doctor, saying he felt much better. He enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and a couple of cigaretes every night.

"And sex. What about sex?", asked the doctor.

"That's a bit difficult. Only once a month", replied the patient. "I'm the parish priest in a small country town."

[clementi]

Joke: Handicapped Guy

A man with his two arms heavily bandaged came into the bar and ordered himself a beer.

Explaining to the bar waitress that he could not lift the glass on account of his bandaged arms, asked if she would be kind enough to hold the glass for him while he drank the beer from it.

The waitress obliged and he got to drink his beer this way.

After the fifth round he had to tell the waitress, "I have to visit the wash room. Can you tell me where the wash room is?"

The knowing waitress made herself scarce after giving him a speedy reply.

[clementi]

Joke: A Tie Salesman

A tie salesman was passing by in the countryside when he saw a man crawling in the desert and calling out to him, "Water! Water!"

Without paying any heed to him, he bent over and tried to sell the man a tie. The man shook his head and simply repeated, "Water! Water!"

After trying very hard to sell the man a tie but to no avail, he just left him where he was.

A mirage then appeared before our man in the desert.

The man crawled rapidly towards the mirage and eventually found himself at the entrance of a plush hotel.

At the door was the tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" he cried out again.

The salesman answered, "You can't enter without a tie."

[clementi]

Joke: Depression

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

[clementi]

Joke: Changing Job

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."

The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to relax.

But a week later, the patient was back.

"I don't think I can control myself much longer", he said. "The urge is getting greater. I'm going to put my dick in the onion peeler any day now."

The psychiatrist prescribed Valium.

A month later, the patient was back on the psychiatrist's couch.

"I've lost my job", he said. "I finally stuck my dick into onion peeler."

"My God!", said the psychiatrist. "What happened then?"

"I got fired. And Betty, the onion peeler, got fired too."

[clementi]

Joke: Psychotherapist

A beautiful young thing goes to see a psychotherapist.

"Take off your clothes and lie on the couch", he instructed.

He then jumped on the couch with her and ravished her.

When he finished, he put his clothes on and said, "Well, that's my problem solved - what's yours?"

[clementi]

Joke: The Hair

Gerry was half way through his meal when he called the manager. "There's a hair in this spaghetti so I'm not paying for it.

Later that night the manager found Gerry giving one of the waitress oral sex and said, "You don't seem to mind a bit of hair now".

Gerry looked up and replied "No... But if I find any spaghetti down here I'm not paying for it either."

[clementi]

Joke: Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.

You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[clementi]

Joke: Divorce Proceedings

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

[clementi]

Joke: Out-Of-State Friend

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us,and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll

wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"

[clementi]

Joke: The Old Couple

The old couple had fallen in love at the retirement village.

Eventually, he put the hard word on her.

"Oh, yes!", she said, as she hurriedly started undressing.

"But I must tell you, I have acute angina."

"Well that's good 'cause you've got lousy tits", he replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Old Folks Home

The sweet old couple in the Old Folks Home were suffering from Alzheimers.

"Darling", she said, "would you get something for me from the kitchen?"

"Certainly, sweetheart", he replied. "What would you like?"

"Get me a pen and paper and I'll write it down", she said.

"No, you tell me. I'll remember", he said proudly.

"But you always forget. I'll write it down."

"No, I won't forget", he protested.

She gave in.

"Alright... I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and crushed nuts sprinkled on top and a wafer biscuits. Have you got that?"

"Yes", he replied.

"Well, repeat it to me", she demanded.

So he repeated the order.

About two hours later, he returned from the kitchen with a large plate of bacon and eggs.

"You silly old fool", she growled. "You've forgotten the toast!"

[clementi]

Joke: My Toupee

A woman rushed up to the manager of the movie theatre and complained that she had been molested in the front stalls.

The manager calmed her down and was ushering her to another seat when another woman complained to him that she had been molested in the front stalls too.

The manager went down to the front and shone his torch along the floor where he saw a bald man crawling along on his hands and knees.

"What are you doing?" demanded the manager.

The bald man looked up. "I've lost my toupee. It fell off in the dark. I had my hand on it twice but it got away!"

[clementi]

Joke: Advertising Contracts

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.

"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed.

"A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.

He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest.

"I got $10,000 for that one."

He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.

But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.

"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay you'll find out why I got $20,000 from Adidas.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dentist

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Seminar

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar.

His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in- training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

[worldangel]

Joke: ATM Money

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.

The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.

The third guy doesn’t want to be shown up but he doesn’t have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Sex Joke

Two men drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.

“How do we enter?” asked the first man.

“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”

“O.K. I guess 7, ” said the first man.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get petrol. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.”

“2? said the second man

“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, ”You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way,” said the second man. “My wife won twice last week.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Robber

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, your honour," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defence attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to return the money?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Horny

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.

Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

[clementi]

Joke: Local Supermarket

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[clementi]

Joke: Gossip

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

[clementi]

Joke: Kidnapped Wife

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn’t been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brain

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fresh Cookies

There was a man lied on his death bed only having a few hours to live. Down stairs his wife was making fresh cookies.

The man could smell the cookies so with the last bit of energy he had he went down stairs to find the fresh cookies on the table.

He went to grab one but his wife slapped it out of his hand and said 'get off you greedy.. they are for your funeral.

[worldangel]

Joke: Police tryouts

3 guys wanted to be police officers. The first one went in and the chief said " You have to kill your mother".

He says "I can’t do that".

So the next guy comes in and the chief says "You have to kill your dad".

He says "I can’t do that".

So the next guy comes in and the chief says you have to kill this lady waiting in the waiting room. He says "Well alright." So he goes in there and the chief hears all these rackets and he says "What the hell are you doing"?

The guy says," Well you didn’t put any bullets in this gun so I had to chase her around with a chair and beat her to death!