Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: The Trial

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.

He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fxxk you like you've never been fxxked before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[clementi]

Joke: Dumb and Ugly

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guy starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "fxxk!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[clementi]

Joke: The Routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

[clementi]

Joke: Turkey Style

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" he asks.

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Daughters

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her.

Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed.

Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

[worldangel]

Joke: Personal Question

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

[Blissfull]

Joke: Doctor’s Opinions Now, this sums it up very well. Doctors have their opinions about the pending bailout. The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, and the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anaestheticians thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in the capital.

This one is pretty good.

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[clementi]

Joke: Olympic Condom

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Gold Medallist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother-in-Law probe

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.

"I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said.

"Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered.

"But I got mine pregnant."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled Muscle

One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.

"Hey Dick! How's it going?" asked Michael.

"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.

"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?" Michael asked.

"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"

Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once Poor

A poor man told His wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached His house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out. Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to underdeveloped country, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to underdeveloped country, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed... I got REAL rich.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shake-up like Coke bottle

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Learning to count

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.

He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boy’s pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Women

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor.

He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[worldangel]

Joke: Petting

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual physical examination

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Soldiers

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

[worldangel]

Joke: Before birth control pills hitting the market

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynaecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive.

He suggested she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.

"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children. "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Long

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Taxi Driver

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[clementi]

Joke: Viens a moi

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.

"That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

[clementi]

Joke: Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me."

So Jack said okay. Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. It'll be fun."

So Jack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore."

So Jack said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me."

Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You're a lot lighter than dad."

Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."

[clementi]

Joke: Ear Ring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[clementi]

Joke: Postcard

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

"Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

[clementi]

Joke: Tempting

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman,

"It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Women

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectal Thermometer

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a checque, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Payday

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheating Hubby

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed overseas a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.

He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[worldangel]

Joke: My oldman’s home

Bill pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuttering problem

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.

Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."

The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.

There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!

[clementi]

Joke: Teabag

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please Heaven, if there's any, please let this be a teabag."

[clementi]

Joke: Physical Examination

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[clementi]

Joke: Annual Sex

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counsellor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

[clementi]

Joke: Intimate Life

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotdogs

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to the States. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrated into New York.

Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others.

Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.

Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.

The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbershop

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"

[clementi]

Joke: Burning Rubber Smell

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

[clementi]

Joke: That’s me before ....?

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[clementi]

Joke: The Businessman

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.

"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pirate

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

[worldangel]

Joke: Check this out

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed.

"What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Gonorrhea

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

[worldangel]

Joke: The little dwarf lady

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly Couple

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?"

He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."