Be Happy :)

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[simplicitykins]

sperm is already a natural antidepressant haha

[iamziz]

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[worldangel]

Joke: Going to the bathroom

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: "What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. "

The teacher fainted!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Tootbrush

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny.

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, “It is dog shit.

Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Moment

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an 84 year old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 25 year old husband at home.

He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

Astonished I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She sobbed saying, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

Feeling a trifle jealous I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She replied "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

Now really peeved, I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich and Poor

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.

"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man

.

And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

"Why both?" asks the poor man.

And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring."

And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"

And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow Job

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Toy Shop

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mother

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake Identity Card in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Man at the Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma’s Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,

he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my

bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company

and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.

I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,

and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ben Rover

A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.

The guy just happens to look over and see the other guy’s dick is huge.

Then he walks over and says, "Hey man I'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!"

The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."

Then the guy passes out.

When he wakes up he says "What’s your name again"

"Well it's Ben Rover" The big guy says!

Oh what a relief I thought you said bend over

[worldangel]

Joke: My first BJ

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of whisky," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[worldangel]

Joke: Credit Card

This guy was standing at a bus stop while another guy walked up to him, licks a $5 dollar bill and slapped it on his right cheek.

Another guy walks up and licks a $10 dollar bill and slapped it on his left cheek.

Another guy walks up and licked a $20 dollar bill and slapped it on his forehead.

Another guy walked up to him and licked a $50 dollar bill and slapped it on his right ass cheek.

Another did the same thing with a $100 dollar bill and slapped it on his left ass cheek.

Then another guy walked up to him with a credit card and swiped his butt crack and took all the money!

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: No Chance

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have...

The husband says, "No fucking chance love, They're too expensive!"

Later on that night in bed, the wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips....

She turns to him and says, "No fucking chance love, if you ain’t prepared to shoe the horse then you ain’t fuckin ridin it!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bankteller

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in

the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn

bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"