Be Happy :)

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Today is for viewing

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[iamziz]

For the size queens

[worldangel]

Joke: Story of a Woman who just turned 47

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

[worldangel]

Joke: A Young Man joins the Navy

A young man joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his father’s hand.

"Well son, how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: A well-dressed Salesman

A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours for my overalls."

"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Black or Back?

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[clementi]

Joke: Innocence Lost

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed

she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

[clementi]

Joke: Pre-Natal Checkups

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.

The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.

"I was on top ", was the reply.

"You will have a baby girl” said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

[clementi]

Joke: Daddy’s Car in the Woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral of the story: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Vengeance Is Mine!

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.

Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: Desperate Measures

A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it anymore.

The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents"

That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman:"All of them, of course!"

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Park

While having lunch in Central Park, a pair of retired doctors saw a man walking their way. His knees were pressed together, his hands were clenched in tight fists, and his wrists were bent inward, toward his wait.

“You still got your knack for diagnosing?” asked one doctor. “Sure. Why?” replied the other. He gestured toward the man. “I’d say the poor fellow’s got cerebral palsy.”

The other doctor shook his head. “Arthritis, for sure.”

“Let’s find out,” said the first. However, before the doctor could ask, the man stopped in front of their bench. He said through his teeth, “Pardon me, but do either of you gentlemen know where in this damn park the rest rooms are?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Judges

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

[worldangel]

Joke: U2?

Walking up to the counter in the record store, the luscious young lady asked the man, “Do you have U2’s latest?”

“What I got for you,” the man said, leaning closer, “is an eight-inch so long.”

Puzzled, the girl asked, “Is that a record?”

"No,” the clerk said, “but it’s far better than average.”

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Mine is better

Two law partners hire a new cute young assistant, and a contest arises between them as who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her; and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

“So what did you think?” asks the partner.

“Aah, replies the first lawyer, my wife is better.”

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”

The second guy replies, “You’re right.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wee Hours

A man banged his shin on the bedpost on his way back from the bathroom, waking his wife.

After apologizing, he complained, "Why is it I always have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee?"

She mumbled as she readjusted the blankets, "I guess that's why they call it the wee hours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Another Asshole?

Sitting at the breakfast table the old man asked his wife "when I die, sell all of my stuff."

"Why should I do that?"

"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."

"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cock-Eyed

A young girl is feeling under the weather so she goes to the family doctor.

“Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant."

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eye.”

“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Original Crate

In the week before his marriage David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he’d ever dated.

At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken.

David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he’d tell her about his ravaged organ.

The woman spread her legs. “Look, honey,” she said. “Never been touched by a man.”

David undid his pajama pants. “Look, honey,” he said. “Still in its original crate!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pencil Sharpener

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right

tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded Bus

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, “ Sir, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today”

[worldangel]

Joke: Those little bastards

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Witness

A woman blamed her house-keeper for the lost of her underwear in front of her husband.

The house-keeper turns to the woman’s husband and says; Sir you are my witness, you know I never wear panties.

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Virgin

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.

She was very proud of it.

She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin”.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

[worldangel]

Joke: At Striptease Joint

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the First guy and perform her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek, it, stuck.

Then she proceeded to the Second guy did her same dance and the Second guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek, it stuck.

She then went to the Third guy and performs her dance. The Third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash so he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s wrong baby?

A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him. At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles. He says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite."

He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs. He then says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite."

When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door. Before she can get out he catches her and asks, "What’s wrong baby?" she then says, "with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Gambles or Drinks

A man is walking down the street, when a bum comes up to him and asks for a dollar. Being in generous mood, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill.

As he hands it to the bum, he says, “You are not going to use this for booze, are you? “I never drink,” replied the bum solemnly.

“I hope you’re not going to use it for gambling,” says the man. “I never gamble,” the bum replies in earnest. “Say,” says the man, “would you mind coming home with me? I would really like for my wife to meet you.”

“Me?” says the surprised bum. “Why me?” “Well,” the man explains. “I would like to show my wife what happens to a man who never drinks or gambles.”

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[Guest zAcOn]

Edited February 20, 2013 by zAcOn

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]