Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Tatoo

 

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.

 

The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo-ing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

 

The man replies, "That's personal." With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

 

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

 

[iamziz]

[Noel]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Running late?

 

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing knickers!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In-Law

 

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law's house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! "Oh my gosh! Why aren't you wearing anything?" exclaimed the mother-in-law. Very surprised, and shocked.

 

"I'm wearing my love suit," replied the daughter-in-law.

 

"You are crazy!" yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left. A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn't such a bad idea so, she decided to try it.

 

In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, "My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!" She replied, "I'm wearing my love suit!" and he said, "Hmmm, it needs ironing!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Best Way

 

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor, "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

 

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

 

The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."

 

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."

 

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

 

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and Medicare pays half of that."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bad News

 

A son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

 

The father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

 

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you're dying of AIDS?"

 

The father replies, "I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anaesthetic

 

A guy goes to see his Doctor and says that he has a lot of trouble sleeping because of a recurring dream. The Doctor notes that he looks pale and has bags under his eyes and asks him about the dream.

The guy says that it is always the same, he dreams that he wakes up in bed and there are 2 beautiful naked women trying to pull off the bed clothes and his PJ's, and he keeps pushing them away. He says that he would like an anaesthetic so that...

The Doctor cuts him off and says "no, no. I suggest a change of diet and..."

The guy cuts in and says that he really wants an anaesthetic and...

The Doc says that as he seems so desperate some new pills he has may do the trick.

The guy says "Just shut up and give me an anaesthetic and then break my fucking arms".

[worldangel]

Joke:  Sex Life

 

Two women are talking over lunch when one said to the other, "Well, Jane, how's your sex life these days?"

"Well...my husband makes me feel like an exercise bike," replies Jane.

"How's that?" asked her friend.

"He climbs on and starts pumping away," explained Jane. "But we never get anywhere."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hooker

 

In a big city, a man finds himself in a hotel; he didn't want to be alone in the room, so he calls a hooker.

 

The hooker arrived, the first thing that she said was "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job."

 

The hooker points out in the window, and pointing to an expensive Mercedes, and said, "See that? I own that because of what I can do with my hands."

He was surprised, but what the hell, he did it anyway, which turns out to be a fantastic blowjob. So he said, "How much do you get for pussy?" then the women replies "Do you see the hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The elderly couple

 

An elderly couple was celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary. They came to the breakfast table naked, just like they had done on the morning that they were first married.

 

"Grandma" told her hubby, " You know, this makes me feel all warm and tingly.

 

 

"Grandpa" replied . . . " No wonder! You have one tit in your oatmeal, and the other in your tea! "

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Prostate Check-Up

 

An old chap goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. 

 

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

 

The old chap obeys and says,"99". 

 

The doctor says, "Great".   Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

 

Again, the old chap says, '99'."

 

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old chap begins, "1... 2... 3... 4...".

Note: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[Noel]

[luke84]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the

teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,

and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

 

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. 

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the

'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

 

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

 

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

 

(Keep shuddering!!)

 

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,

handing it and the car keys to me. As I

took the key and manually unlocked the door, I

replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and

check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

 

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

 

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

 

Brunette, by the way!!

 

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

 

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!! 

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Lol!!

[worldangel]

Joke: What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4hours?

 
Earl walked into a drug store in a city and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
 
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
 
She then asked if she could help him.

 

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

 

The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. 

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' 

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.." 

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Notes

 

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the mallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light.

 

Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to write thank you notes.”

 

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[Noel]

[gintoki1991]

[worldangel]

Joke: Betting

 

This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. “I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and f…. you before you can pick it up.”

 

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says; set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run. So the woman tells the guy, “The bet is on.”

 

A few minutes go by and the girl’s friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, “The asshole didn't tell me he had $500 in quarters.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sucking

 

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

 

On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.

 

The oldest boy looked into the keyhole. He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

 

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ex-Prisoners

 

Three guys had just been released from prison and were really kinky. They saw this beautiful woman as they were walking in the woods. Each of them had sex with the woman. Unfortunately, the woman was part of a tribe and the tribe Chief captured the three men and made a bargain with them.

 

He said, "If the three of your penises together measure twenty one inches (or more) we will not kill you but let you go free.”

 

They took the first guy and he measured 15.5inches. They took the second guy and he measured 5 inches. Finally they took the third man and he was with them for a few hours and he measured 0.5 inches.

 

The Chief released the men because they together measured twenty-one.

 

On the way home they were bragging to each other. The first man said. You guys are really lucky for my fifteen and a half inches. The second man said that they were really lucky for his five inches. The third man said. “You guys are lucky that I had a bone!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s Orders

 

A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first. He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

 

The doctor had her try it and told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.

 

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week.

 

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

 

One day, as she waited to check out at Best Buy, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

 

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she queries.

 

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

[worldangel]

Joke: Electric Wheelchair

 

An old lady in a nursing home is tearing down the hall in her electric wheelchair when all of a sudden an old man jumps out of a room in front of her. He says ' show me your license.' so the woman pulls a lolly wrapper out of her handbag and gives it to the man.

 

The old man checks the lolly wrapper and says ' very well then, be on your way and don’t let me catch you speeding again.' so the old lady goes off down the hallway again. A little while later the old lady is speeding again. Again she goes past a room and the old man jumps out in front of her.

 

“Show me your registration papers” said the old man. This time the old lady pulls a shopper docket out of her bag and hands it to the old man. He checks it and then hands it back to her and says 'very well. Be on your way and don’t let me catch you speeding again. The old lady puts the docket back in her bag and drives off.

 

A little while later she is speeding again and as before the old man jumps out of a room in front of her. This time he is stark naked. The old woman takes one look at him and says “oh no, not the breathalyzer test again.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

 "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

 "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left...

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

 "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

 

 The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Homesick

 

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"

 

"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Impotency

 

A young man with an impotency problem consults with a doctor. After several visits and nothing happening the doctor sends him to a hypnotist. The hypnotist puts the young man under and after giving him instructions awakens him. The hypnotist tells him when he says the words; one, two, three, he will have an erection.

 

The young man asks him how to make the erection go down. The hypnotist says just say one, two, three, four and it will subside. There is just one side effect and that is you won't be able to get an erection again for at least ten months.

 

The young guy immediately goes to a bar and picks up a stunning young woman and they proceed to a hotel where he gets the very best suite for $200.00 a night and orders in champagne at $150.00 a bottle.

They proceed to get undressed and the excited young man says the magic words "one, two three. “Immediately he has an enormous erection, which the girl admires and asks him "why did you say one, two, three for?”

[worldangel]

Joke: 69-68

 

A husband comes home and says to his wife" we've tried 69 lets try 68"

She says, "What’s that?" He says, "You do me and I'll owe you one."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Babysitter

 

There's a babysitter that's about 27, and he told the little girl he was babysitting, that he was going to take a shower, she asked "can I take one with you" he said "NO" she said "pretty please" well I guess .

 

In the shower she asks what's that?, he said "John" she said "can I play with him ?" "NO" "please" "ok"

 

They get out and he says he's going to take a nap, she said " can I play with John" "NO" "pretty please with a cherry on top" I guess so .

 

When he wakes up he asks, why's John on the floor? she said, "He spit at me so I cut him off .

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Friend

 

Every night before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs."

 

Much to her mother's dismay however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that a girl's best friends are her legs?"

 

"You did mama, but there comes a time when even best friends must part.

[worldangel]

Joke: Enlargement

 

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis. The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.

 

One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.

 

The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"

 

The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hand-Made

 

Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?

A. Because its hand-made.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Neighbour

 

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, let’s go to my apartment....I hear somebody coming.

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.'

 

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[Noel]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[gstc82]

Ah Ti walked around for hours, his leg felt very "suan 1" how come?

Answer "becos he step on some lemons!"

[ymerej]

...

[iamziz]