Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Battery & Woman’s Ass

 

What does a 9-volt battery and a woman’s asshole have in common ??

You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyesight

 

Naked woman looking in the bedroom mirror says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment"

Husband replies "Your eyesight’s fucking spot on."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wet dream

 

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"

"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"

[worldangel]

Joke: Silent Fart

 

Old couple sat in church.

 

During the service wife whispers "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Hubby says "put a fucking battery in your hearing aid"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Encyclopedia

 

For sale - Complete set of Encyclopedias 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 ONO. NO longer needed, got married, wife knows fucking everything.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Neighbours

 

Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wise man

 

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag!

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[Guest fuze]

Spanish Computer Teacher

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[worldangel]

Joke: Plastic Surgery

 

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Oatmeal

 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning."

"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fifteen Bucks

 

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Excitement

 

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, "Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pantyhose

 

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies "If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Guys

 

There are 3 guys, we'll call them Ethan, Webster, and Chris. Ethan walks up to the counter and says, "Yeah, I'd like to buy some condoms." "What size?" the pharmacist asks.

 

"Well, LARGE I presume." The pharmacist says, "Well, go see Sophie in aisle four." Ethan goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a handful and says "Oh! That'll be a medium!"

 

Ethan, a bit disgusted, goes to the counter and says, "Ya ya ya, whatever. Give me a medium."

 

And he walks out. In comes Webster. Webster goes to the counter and says, "I need some condoms." "And what size?" the pharmacist asks. "I'll take LARGE!"

 

The pharmacist says, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back." Webster goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a GREAT BIG handful and says "HO! That'll be a Large!" Proud and happy, chest puffed out, Webster goes to the counter, gets his condoms and walks out.

 

In comes Chris. He approaches the counter rather nervously. Scratching his head he asks, "Yeah, um, I uh, I need some condoms." "CONDOMS?!" The pharmacist says sarcastically "Well, what size?!" Confused, Chris says "Gee, I uh, I don't know. I've never done this before."

 

The pharmacist tells him, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back." So ol' Chris goes to Sophie in aisle four, Sophie reaches down, grabs a handful and says "CLEANUP, AISLE FOUR!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Bastards

 

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

 

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?”

 

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about yours?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

 

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little bastards please pass the sugar?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too far in

 

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s house instead. Her friend lives out of the way, so in return for the favor, she offers to get naked.

 

The guy agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes. The guy is so busy looking at her that he smashes the car into a tree and get stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. “You’ll have to go get help!” he tells her. “But I can’t. I have no clothes on, and I can’t reach them.”

 

“Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”

She reluctantly agrees and runs off to the nearest gas station. She finds the attendant and says, “Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am... but I think he’s too far in.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Women Doctors

 

A hot girl walks into the "women doctors" office and sits down. The doctor knocks lightly and then comes in. He sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "do you know what I’m doing.

 

"She says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says, "yeah, o yeah." After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "do you know what I’m doing now?" she thinks and says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?"

 

He says a yeah that’s it, feeling for cancer. After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says "do you know what I’m doing now?" she says "O DOC yes I do your getting genital warts and that’s why I came here!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The whole finger?

 

A man calls his wife from the Emergency Room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working.

“Oh, my goodness!” cries his wife. “The whole finger?” “No,” replies the man, “the one next to it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Butter?

 

Showering after a game of tennis, David happened to look over at Bob’s genitals.

“Wow!” he exclaimed, “that’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Bob smiled. “It wasn’t always that big. It grew because I rubbed it with butter every day.”

Determined to improve his own endowment, David went home to do likewise. The following week he and Bob played tennis again. “How’s it going with your ….home improvement?” Bob asked.

“Terrible,” David said. “I’ve been greasing my dick every day, but it keeps shrinking!”

“Really? Are you sure you’re using enough butter?” “Butter, hell. I’m allergic to dairy products, so I’ve been using Crisco.”

 

Bob frowned. “Of course it’s getting smaller. Crisco’s shortening!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm Bank

 

A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank, he points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her, the woman confused asked what?

 

The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you, so she does. Just then he takes off his mask and says "see honey it’s not so bad."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At grandparents house

 

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"

"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom Display

 

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expired Milk

 

Once there was a 85 year old man who was sucking on a 80 year old woman’s tits.

 

The next day the man was dead so she asked the Doctor how he had died, and the Doctor said that he had died because he had Expired Milk.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Don’t Want To, Maybe Tomorrow

It was a boy, his mother and this girl…

There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work. She said, "Do not open the door for nobody". The boy said, "Okay". So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in".

 

The boy said, I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow". So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it. Once again she said, "Let me in". The boy finally gave up and let her in. So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs".

 

The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow". The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up. When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl".

 

The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Problems

 

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems"
Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded
Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!” Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Old met a young one

 

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,s o he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

[worldangel]

Joke: The fence was not electrified

 

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sixteen

 

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Singing Asshole

 

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.

 

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out!

 

He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again "...On the road again..."

 

The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

 

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

 

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The creation of pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee.

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

[clementi]

Joke: Tricked Him

One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".

The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".

The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".

The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".

The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.

The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.

The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".

The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: On The Railway Line

Girl Tied to Railway Line...

Man is telling his friend of a recent experience.

'I was walking along beside the railway line' he says, 'when I saw this girl tied to the track. Well, naturally I freed her and ended up having sex with her all night.'

'Did you get a blow job?' asks his friend.

'No' he says, 'I never did find the head.'

[clementi]

Joke: Homework

 

A little boy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him to ask his mother if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars.

 

The boy asks his mother and she says she would. The boy tells his father she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The father then tells the boy to ask his sister if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy asks his sister and she to says she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars.

 

The boy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. "Well, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with two cocksuckers" replies the father.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Rubber Products

 

A tour group is being guided through a factory that manufactures all types of rubber products, everything from tires to rubber bands. The highlight of the tour is watching the latex condoms being peeled off the penis-shape molds, rolled up, and slipped into foil packets.

The guests are surprised, however, to notice that every so often, before the condoms are packaged, a man with a pin takes a random rubber off the assembly line and pokes a tiny hole in it.

One of the visitors cries out in shock to the tour guide, “Hey, why is he doing that? Don’t they know that those pinholes will cause thousands of unwanted pregnancies?”

“Yeah,” says the tour guide, “but just think of what it does for our ‘nipple’ division!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer’s Daughter

 

An old farmer is dying and is on his deathbed, puts an ad in the paper stating, "Old Farmer Dying, can have farm, land and money, if you marry my daughter"

Young city guy sees the ad, "Most farm girls are hot! Why not!"

Goes talks with farmer agrees to marry the farmer's daughter. She was called into the room, the first time the city boy sees her. And too his shock she's not HOT in fact she's butt fucking ugly, fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch including the exposed roots! Plus she's dumb as a post!

However, he goes, "You know what it's a lot of money and land, screw it I'll throw a bag on her head when I fuck her.
A few months pass, the farmer is now dead. The city guy wants to hang a picture, "Honey get my nail?" he says to his wife. She responds, "Get the nail, get the nail." He shakes is head, "And a hammer?" "Get the hammer, get the hammer!"

He lines up the hammer and nail, takes a swing and smakes his thumb, "FUCK!!!", he says.
She replies with rotten toothed smile, "Get the bag, get the bag!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mom ....?

 

A blonde goes to the money sending office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Byfriend

 

A model was snogging her boyfriend when suddenly a bee flew into her vagina the actress started screaming so the boyfriend called her doctor over. The doctor came 5 minutes later he told the actress to get into her four poster bed and told her boyfriend to go and get some honey so the boyfriend gave the doctor some honey.

 

The boyfriend waited outside. After about 10 minutes the boyfriend looked in to see the curtains closed and the models clothes on the floor. The man rushed in to see the doctor sticking his penis with honey on in the ladies vagina moving it around. The doctor explained to the man how he was to trying to attract the bee out.

 

The man closed the curtain and then heard the model saying 'You naughty boy'. The man again opened the curtains to see the doctor’s hand pressing down on the ladies boobs and pushing his penis more deeper into the ladies vagina.

 

The doctor than shouted 'I'm going to drown the damn thing!!!' The model closed the curtain and said 'BYFRIEND!!!!'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Halloween Costume

 

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If you are going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Friends

 

There are 3 friends walking on a beach. They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini. 2 of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.

The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now she is topless. 2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.

The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now is completely naked! 2 friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.

The 2 friends catch up to the last guy and ask him, "Why are you running away from such a beautiful sight?"
He says, "My mother told me when I was a little boy that if a man saw a naked woman, he would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something getting hard."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spot

 

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

 

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

 

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts.

 

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You look like an ass!

 

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Handsome Man

 

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive … in fact; he’s ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?”

“Well,” said the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympics Condom

 

This man during the Olympics walks in a store and finds Olympics condoms, they come in gold, silver and bronze. He buys some and brings them back to his wife that night.

 

"Honey" the man, says "I bought some Olympic condoms today and I thought we'd try one tonight.

 

So that night the woman asks, "So what colour are you wearing?"

 

He replies "Gold, of course" She say "oh, honey can't you wear silver, it would be nice if you came second for once"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lesbia

 

A guy at the bar sits down and sees a beautiful creature sitting at the other end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says, “Bring me a whiskey, and buy that woman a drink.”

The bartender tells him, “Listen, pal. Save your money. She’s a lesbian.” “A lesbian?’ says the guy. “It doesn’t matter. Buy her a drink.”

The bartender brings the guy his whiskey and then gets a drink for the woman. Upon receiving her drink the woman looks over at the man, takes a sip, nods her thanks, and then looks away, returning to her drink.

The man calls the bartender over and orders, “Buy her another drink! Whatever she wants!” I’m telling you,” the bartender tries to explain, “You’re wasting your money. She’s a lesbian.”

The man insists, and so the bartender gets the woman another drink. She nods her thanks to the guy, but that’s it.

This happens five or six more times, but the woman just sits over at the other end of the bar, minding her own business. By now, though, the guy is getting pretty looped, so he goes over to the woman and slurs, “Excuse me, can I ask you something?”

The woman replies, “Sure.” “So tell me,” says the guy, “where are from in Lesbia?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Home Medical Remedy

 

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

 

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

 

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

 

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting Swimmingly

 

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

 

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

 

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

 

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

 

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

 

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

 

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary Mistake

 

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

 

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Ed has been missing since Friday.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

 

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

[worldangel]

Joke: Needles are not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

 

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

 

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

 

"So? Are you afraid?"

 

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

 

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

 

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

 

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"