Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge!

 

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

 

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said: Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Law, Schmaw!

 

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

 

"Tommy," replied the second.

 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

 

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

 

"Honest?" asked Billy.

 

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bathtub Test

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor! Doctor!

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

 

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

 

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

 

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

 

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

 

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed".

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging Gracefully 1

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging Gracefully 2

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

 

"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

 

[glowingember]

The Chicken and The Duck by Ajahn Brahm:

 

 

A newly married couple went for a walk together in a wood, one fine summer’s evening after dinner. They were having such a wonderful time being together until they heard a sound in the distance:

“Quack! Quack!”

“Listen,” said the wife, “That must be a chicken.”
“No, no. That was a duck,” said the husband.

“No, I’m sure that was a chicken,” she said.
“Impossible. Chickens go ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo,’ ducks go ‘Quack! Quack!’ That’s a duck, darling,” he said, with the first signs of irritation.

“Quack! Quack!” it went again.
“See! It’s a duck,” he said.
“No dear. That’s a chicken. I’m positive,” she asserted, digging in her heels.

“Listen wife! That—is—a—duck. D-u-c-k, duck! Got it?” he said angrily.
“But it’s a chicken,” she protested.
“It’s a friggin’ duck, you, you…”

And it went “Quack! Quack!” again before he said something he oughtn’t.
The wife was almost in tears. “But it’s a chicken.”

The husband saw the tears welling up in his wife’s eyes and, at last, remembered why he had married her. His face softened and he said gently, “Sorry, darling. I think you must be right. That is a chicken.”
“Thank you, darling,” she said and she squeezed his hand.

“Quack! Quack!” came the sound through the woods, as they continued their walk together in love.

The insight that the husband finally awakened to was this: Who cares whether it is a chicken or a duck? What was much more important was their harmony together, that they could enjoy their walk on such a fine summer’s evening. How many marriages are broken over unimportant matters? How many divorces cite “chicken or duck” stuff.

When we understand this story, we will remember our priorities. The marriage is more important than being right about whether it is a chicken or a duck. And besides, how many times have we been absolutely, certainly, and positively convinced we are right—only to find out later we were, in fact, totally wrong? Who knows? That could have been a genetically modified chicken made to sound like a duck!

(For the sake of gender equality and a peaceful life as a monk, each time I tell the story I usually switch around the one who says it’s a chicken and the one who says it’s a duck.)

*** I'd think of this story in a gay setting :-)

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging Gracefully 3

 

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 

But, thank God, I still have my driving's license!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging Gracefully 4

 

A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor,

 

"You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging Gracefully 5

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!"

 

The rabbi exclaimed, "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nearly Fatal Clock

 

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Diaper

 

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her Age

 

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Family Pants
 

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it’s not a life sentence, OKAY!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Present

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: One-Day……

 

One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was his day, he replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.”

 

Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”.

 

Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was his day, and he replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: King and Queen

 

The King and Queen were looking for a husband for their daughter. The king invited 3 men to come to the palace, so he could see if any of them were worthy of the princess.

 

The test was to see if they would sleep with his daughter. To check if they had, he put glitter on the princess's vagina. The next day, he checked each of the men's penises.

 

The first guy had glitter on his and the second guy had glitter on his. The third guy didn't have any glitter on his penis and when the king told him he could marry his daughter, he smiled and there was glitter on his teeth.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Birch- and Beech Tree

 

There is a birch tree and beech tree, in-between the two grows a young sapling, the two trees argue whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech.

 

After hours of arguing they can not decide, so they ask the wood pecker to investigate to see whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech.

 

The wood pecker goes down pecks it for a while and returns, and informs them that it was the best piece of ash he had ever sunk his pecker into.

 

[clementi]

Joke: It's Dark In Here!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Knee capped

 

Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it.

 

He says "I would shoot her below the left nipple"

 

Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Flying Dildo

 

A family was driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.

 

Embarassement and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

[clementi]

Joke: Men Should Listen

 

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[clementi]

Joke: Not so Dumb

 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Naming of Things

 

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

 

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

 

 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

 

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

 

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maternal Miracles

 

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

 

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

 

"What's the matter with you?

 

Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal Misunderstandings

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Psychiatrist & Proctologist

 

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

 

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

 

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

 

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

 

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you in for?

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

 

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby Hermaphrodite

 

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you know me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

 

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

 

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

 

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Finding a house

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

 

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is “Your Passionate” They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm “Your Passionate”.

 

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: “Your Passin It!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will you marry me?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.

 

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

 

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

 

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What was its name?

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

 

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

 

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

 

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.

 

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

 

“You mean a rose?”

 

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Appeal to Heaven

 

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.

He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

 

The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

 

The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

 

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.

 

The lawyer asked, "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"

 

The devil answered, "We have all of the judges."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyer Accident

 

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

 

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

 

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

 

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

 

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 

[clementi]

Joke:  The story of two old men

 

Two old men decide they are closed to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed”

 

These two are so old and drunk, “I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference”.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business…

 

As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead”

“Dead?’, says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her”
His friend says, “Could be worse I think mine was a witch”
 

“A witch?? ..... Why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window .... taking my teeth with HER”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cow

 

A man took his wife to a cattle show. They went to the bull section first. The sign for the first bull read – This bull mated 50 times last year! The wife said, “Honey, you could learn from this bull.”

 

The next sign read – This bull mated 200 times last year!! The wife again said, “You could really learn from this one, Babe!”

 

The last bulls sign read – This bull mated 365 times last year!!! The wife said, “Honey, WOW! This bull mated once a day! You should really learn from this bull!”

 

The husband answered, “Why don’t you go and ask his owner if it was with the same cow though!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How you earned it

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

 

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

 

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

 

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Angry drivers meet

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

 

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, “When you’ve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police Investigation

Police: Where do you live? Me: With my parents

Police: Where do your parents live? Me: With me

Police: Where do all of you live? Me:Together

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

 

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

 

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

 

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

 

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

 

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

 

“So, what’s your problem?”

 

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse or chicken?

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

 

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

 

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

 

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”

 

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

 

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

 

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating some peanuts

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing for the aged would be appropriate.

 

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man’s first day was going.

“How you doing today?, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. The Old man replied with a nod.

 

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

 

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.” “That’s okay.”, said the old man, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.” Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!”

 

The old man responded, “That’s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Wondering

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-coloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earrings are big bright feathers.

 

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What' er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

 

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

 

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

 

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

 

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

 

“Twenty-six,” he said.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

 

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

 

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor's meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.

 

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

 

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

 

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

 

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

 

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”