Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Perfect Story

 

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scared sleeping

 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

 

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

 

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

 

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever

come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

 

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Profession

 

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cocktail Party

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate Lessons 1

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate Lessons 2

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

 

"It was Bob the next door neighbour" she replies.

 

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate Lessons 3

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

 

The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate Lessons 4

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

 

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

 

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

 

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mixed Emotions

 

What's the definition of mixed emotions??

 

Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes!

 

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring and * The Endu-Ring!!

 

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I’m afraid not

 

3 guys walk into a bar. The 4th one ducks. A string walks into a bar and the waiter says to him, "We don't serve your kind here."

 

So the string goes across the street and tells a friend to tie him in a knot and fray his edges. So the guy does it and the string says thank you.

 

Then the string goes back across the street and goes into the bar and orders a beer. Again the guy says we don't serve your kind, but the string says, "I'm afraid not."(I'm a frayed not.)

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: When mother and dog died

 

There was this guy who

was taking care of his friend’s house while he was on vacation. His friend called and asked how things were going.

 

He responded by saying that his dog died. "That’s horrible. Why didn't you say that my dog was on the roof so when I call back, you tell me he's dead and it isn't so bad." His friend said," Anything else?" "Well, your mother is on the roof"

[clementi]

Joke: Your Dialect and Accent

 

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights.

 

So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?".

The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?"

 

The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginia aren't you?".

 

Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent".

 

The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Old Couple

 

An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice cream".

 

The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said.

 

A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby Hermaphrodite

 

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Efficiency Expert

 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Woman’s Random Thoughts

 

Skinny people piss me off!

Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf

 

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary Flowers

 

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly person illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

 

“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy people talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

 

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

 

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

 

Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red.

 

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

 

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Church Bells

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap Date

 

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

 

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: College Degree

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre-arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview at the Firm

 

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

 

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

 

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

 

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you in for?

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

 

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

 

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

 

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

 

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Great Job

 

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Sons

 

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer on a Plane

 

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Lawyer’s baby

 

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

 

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!

 

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We need to have a Talk

 

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

 

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

 

In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

 

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

 

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied: I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does it hurt if I do this?

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Ladies

 

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!"

 

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer who died suddenly

 

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.

 

He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting along time for you."

 

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

 

"Forty-Five? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

 

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

 

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside.

 

After a few minutes the angel returned.

 

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Definition of a Phallic Symbol

 

This teenage walks in to a doctor’s office and she asks, "What’s a phallic symbol?"

 

The doctor says, "You're kidding."

 

The girl says "No! I don't know! What’s a phallic symbol?"

 

The doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says, "You see? This is afailic symbol!"

 

The girl says "Oh! It’s just like a penis, only smaller."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Physical

 

The general went to the doctor for a physical.

 

Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions: age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

 

"Oh," he mused, 'It was 1945.''

 

"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

 

"I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stewed Tomatoes

 

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

 

The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

 

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

 

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to be a lawyer before I die

 

An old man was critically ill.

 

Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

 

"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

 

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

 

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

 

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bed side, making sure his bill would be paid.

 

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.

 

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

 

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Extraction

 

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

 

Dentist: $100.00.

 

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

 

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: At Supermarket

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

 

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

 

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Couples

 

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

 

A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Eyesight

 

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mum-in-Law

 

A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbour asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

“My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer who died suddenly

 

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.

 

He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting along time for you."

 

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

 

"Forty-Five? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

 

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

 

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside.

 

After a few minutes the angel returned.

 

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I forgot

 

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 
"I forgot."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Dogs

 

I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …

- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...

- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Sisters

 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."