Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Having sex

 

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: May I take your order?

 

"May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Weenie

 

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

 

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mayonnaise

 

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure."

However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were.

 

The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

[worldangel]

Joke: Very well-known international ...

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning.

She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by.

 

The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!"

 

To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange name

 

Naomi took her child into a Child care hospital for a routine check-up with a pediatrician. On the records, the nurse noticed that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but curious to know why this woman had given her child such a weird name, the nurse asked the mother how Urine got her name.

Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baiting

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops for dinner.

As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and takes his order.

 

As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Upset is unhealthy

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."


On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"


"Yes," the boy's mother answered.


"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.


"Who cares?" the mother replied.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing an Exam

 

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.


The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.


The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.


Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.


The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.


To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Promoting an Office

 

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Weekend at Daves..

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Adventures in sky diving

 

Amy was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached an instructor and started her training. The instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they would sail down together.

Amy said she was ready to jump. The instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Amy jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while, pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor, furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed past Amy. Amy seeing this, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "So you are in the mood to race, huh?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is the Time?

 

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.


With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.


Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."


The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.


Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old Widow

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pearly gates

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charity? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The proud papa...

 

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

 

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

 

"EXACTLY!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stop Sign

 

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Air-Condition

 

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was too cold, this went on for about a half an hour.

 

To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking a back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

[clementi]

Joke: One Beer

 

A young guy at a bar: “Hey, bartender. Pour me a cold one.”
“Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?”
“Maybe later. Right now I just wanna a beer.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pharmacy Counter

 

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took
five or six pills at once you might."

[clementi]

Joke: Clerk Advice

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglars Just Broke In

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magic Mirror

 

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a mirror." Kayla and Jessica Agree.

 

They go down to the thrift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful mirror with a golden trim. All of the girls love the mirror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the mirror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that mirror. There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disappear for ever!"

 

Melissa didn't believe in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think I have the pretty shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disappears. Then Kayla goes up to the mirror and says, "I think I have the pretty shirt in the whole world!" And POOF! She disappears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disappears!

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital

 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

 

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

 

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Insurance Company

 

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have travelled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 911

 

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lazy Man

 

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.

"I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."

"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.

"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Try doing it ……

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

 

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What does your daddy do?

 

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

 

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

 

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

 

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

 

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

 

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop playing with my heart

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra...

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

 

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

 

The pharmacist said "That won’t do you any good."

 

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Selling War Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.


It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.


Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:


"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drummer Problem

 

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss wants too much

 

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Must help the wife

 

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fourth Husband

 

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’

 

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

 

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble

 

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: White Hair

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: College Meal

 

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them – and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.

“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.”

“Glue!”
“Then it’s apple pie – the plum pie tastes like soap.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer’s Death Certificate

 

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

 

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

 

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Analyse This!

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

 

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

 

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."

 

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

 

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

 

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

 

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

 

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Must help the wife

 

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss wants too much

 

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."


And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 24 Little Hours

 

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

 

The patient, resigned to his fate, says, "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

 

"The lab called with your test results," the doctor began. "Unfortuanately, you've got a rare condition and they said you have 24 hours to live."

 

"24 Hours!?" exclaimed the patient. "Thats terrible! What could be worse than that? What's the very bad news?"

 

"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."