Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: An old lady visits Museum

 

An old lady is visiting a museum and knocks over a large vase which smases on the ground. An attendant rushes over, aghast.

"That vase," the attendant cries, "was over five hundred years old!"

"Oh, thank God!" says the old lady. "I thought it was a new one."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce Procedure
 

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."

The wife was explicit: "He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honour demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily: "Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman Call

 

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

 

[tosanto]

lol some heard b4 but funny nevertheless

[clementi]

Joke: Chicken Almondine

 

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Shoe Store

 

A man walks into a shoe store...
...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
man’s feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Vulgar Druggist

 

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Steep Hill

 

Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

“That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man.

“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I can't Talk

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in

front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on

the table here."

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he

does as the doctor says.

The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he

can.

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"

[worldangel]

Joke: With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says
"Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The
babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says
"Usually mommy lets me take a bath".

 

The babysitter says "ok". The boy
is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The
babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says
"Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says
"Really? ummmmm ok".

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy
says "That wasn't my finger either."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will You Watch

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What

can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished,

the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have

intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an

appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the

doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is

married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to

my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it

here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the

doctor's office."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which of my Friends

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his

wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down

the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where have you been?

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he

walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a

nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They

have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up

in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and

says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got

any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he

proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went

to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the

bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there

and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in

bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands

are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: VD Chain

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the

phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get

him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms

he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the

doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I don't remember

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking

a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the

father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks

the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Work and Prison

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison: You get three meals a day.

At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: You get time off for good behaviour.

At work: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all

the doors yourself.

In prison: You can watch TV and play games.

At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison: You get your own toilet.

At work: You have to share.

In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.

At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they

deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from

inside wanting to get out.

At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside

bars.

In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work: They are called supervisors.

In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

At work: You get fired if you get caught.

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Braggart

 

 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm just crazy, not stupid."

 

 

Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.

When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.

The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.

About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.

The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."

The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."

The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"

The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sea Captain

 

 

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

 

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up.

 

Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left
Starboard Right

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Envelopes

 

 

There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement. Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.

Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"

A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2. He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hunter

 

 

One day, Murphy and O'Brien went deer hunting in the woods. They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view. With a nice clean shot, O'Brien bangs the buck.

 

They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck. Another hunter says, "You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won't get stuck."

 

They do, and Murphy yells, "Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck." O'Brien replies, "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from camp."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Charles

 

 

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?

“Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Night Train

 

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." 

"Why not," giggles the woman. 
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Busker

 

 

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall.

 

Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.”

“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatric Hospital

 

 

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

 

“Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

 

'I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''

Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gold Watch

 

 

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

Joe: I won it in a race. 

Bill: How many people participated in it? 

Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At General Practitioner

 

 

Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."

John: "Is he feeling better now?"

Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."

John: "How did he break it?"

Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."

John: "How did he break his arm?"

Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Three Sisters

 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[clementi]

Joke: 911

 

 

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: At Supermarket

 

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Marriages

 

 

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’

 

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

 

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Couples

 

 

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

 

A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

 

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Dogs

 

 

I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …

- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...

- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Try doing it ……

 

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

 

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Eyesight

 

 

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Will

 

 

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: What does your daddy do?

 

 

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

 

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

 

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

 

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

 

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop playing with my heart

 

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer’s Death Certificate

 

 

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

 

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

 

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

 

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 24 Little Hours

 

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

The patient, resigned to his fate, says, "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

 

"The lab called with your test results," the doctor began. "Unfortunately, you've got a rare condition and they said you have 24 hours to live."

 

"24 Hours!?" exclaimed the patient. "That’s terrible! What could be worse than that? What's the very bad news?"

 

"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Analyse This!

 

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

 

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."

 

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

 

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

 

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

 

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Apple A Day ….

 

 

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

 

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

 

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

 

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure.

 

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams: "When I came in here I was tall and slender!

 

Now I'm short and fat!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart Transplant

 

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

 

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

 

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

 

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

 

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mum-in-Law

 

 

A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbour asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

 

“My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stale

An elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.

 

The wife asked, "Why don't you do like that man?"

The husband replied, "I don't even know that woman!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Months of the year

Teacher: What is the first month?

Student: January

Teacher: What is the second month?

Student: February

Teacher: What is the tenth month?

Student: Delivery