Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Employee, Boss and Office

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

[worldangel]

Joke: Knock Knock Max

 

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I don't remember

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking

a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the

father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks

the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Sailor

 

 

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks: 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies: 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'


'Three knots?' he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says: "You're knot hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting your money back.'

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sick and Silly PJ

 

Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

[clementi]

Joke: Druggist's Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the

husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she

explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning

on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and

demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the

druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This

morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went

without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I

didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to

break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a

speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat

tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting

for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these

people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then

I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to

make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my

hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -

when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made

me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on

it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still

ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was

your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,

Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Let's Get Married

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional

service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate

route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his

pant legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the

sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I

would prefer the traditional service."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Feeling' Good

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

 

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two men in a bar

 

Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".

Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I can't Talk

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor and Patient

 

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Eyesight

 

 

A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".

The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The well behaved son

 

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behaviour inside the jail

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Patients and Doctors

Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anaesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.

[worldangel]

Joke: With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says

"Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her".

 

The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says

"Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy

is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me".

 

The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says

"Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says

"Really? ummmmm ok".

 

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy

says "That wasn't my finger either."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Bean soup and the dumb waiter

 

A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The funny soup

 

Customer in a hotel: Waiter, this soup tastes funny!
Waiter: Oh!, the chef must have been laughing when he prepared it sir.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: From the mouth of kids

Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do.

Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do?

Girl: The homework.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thieves in the kitchen

 

Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.

Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Disgrace your Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and

she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young

boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but

don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going

to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his

hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him

do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try

to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like

that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date

and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the

old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he

tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Son

 

Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good ... what?

 

Before going to sleep you can say Good Night.
But before waking up can you say Good Morning?

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Runs the Human Body?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will You Watch?

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Must Be in the Fifth

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband and Wife

My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor's advice

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.

Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

[worldangel]

Joke: Which of my Friends

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his

wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down

the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: The Doctor

 

Wife: The doctor has come to see you.

 

Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Nurse

 

Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.

Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mother-in-law and the clock

My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.

It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Silly Amy

Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elephino

 

 

Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a bear. They both take off running, after a while one guy stops and takes off his backpack and takes out a pair of running shoes.

 

The other guy sees this and is wondering what is going on, so he stops, runs back to the guy and asks "Why are you putting on your running shoes, do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?" the other guy said "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ELEPHINO!(hell if I know)

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything else?

 

 

There was this guy who was taking care of his friends’ house while he was on vacation. His friend called and asked how things were going. He responded by saying that his dog died. "That’s horrible.

 

Why didn't you say that my dog was on the roof so when I call back, you tell me he's dead and it isn't so bad."

 

His friend said," Anything else?" "Well, your mother is on the roof"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker...the other's a fish!

 

You're in a cage with a real mean bear, a lawyer and a gun with only 2 bullets.

What do you do? You shoot the lawyer twice, the bear's the least of your problems.

 

How can you tell the difference between a lawyer and a skunk lying in the middle of the road? The skunk is the one with the skid marks in front of it!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Comes After Ten

 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"

"Uncle Jack."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under

our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the

plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't

mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both

his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under

our bed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins every time

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're

eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins,

Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't

get nothin'."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters

had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter

said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons,

therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the

waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for

us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we

pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to

wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you

get it back in?"

The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others,

but I use the two spoons."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Venereal Disease Chain

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the

phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get

him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms

he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the

doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trade relations

Experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking
down the road. They come across some shit lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"

Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures
out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.

Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another shit.
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give YOU
$20,000."

After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats shit getting
the money.

They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we
both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate
shit. I don't see us being better off."

Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact
that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

[worldangel]

Joke: Training Camp

 

 

The scene: A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey ho ho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

 

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact--I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Ole Boys

 

 

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions.

 

The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?"

 

The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginig aren't you?".

Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Frog

 

 

A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way.

 

A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, "help, help"! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.

 

Again, "help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.

 

Moments later, "Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do_anything_if_ you_ help_ me, anything"! The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!

 

The little green frog again screamed out "Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said "I'm a computer programmer; I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But, a small talking green frog is cool."