Be Happy :)

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Work and Prison

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison: You get three meals a day.

At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: You get time off for good behaviour.

At work: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all

the doors yourself.

In prison: You can watch TV and play games.

At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison: You get your own toilet.

At work: You have to share.

In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.

At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they

deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from

inside wanting to get out.

At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside

bars.

In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work: They are called supervisors.

In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

At work: You get fired if you get caught.

 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2013 by crazygolfer

[clementi]

Joke: Twick or Tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable

little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,

"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to

come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it

just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest

thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with

her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,

"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed

him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove

he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and

sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,

"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Check-Up

 

 

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?"

 

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

 

Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Worms

 

 

2 worms crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says " ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a wedding ring.

 

Male worm says "I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with married worms. fermale worm says " don't worry, my husband is not coming home. Male worm says " how do you know that for sure? Female worm says "he got up early this morning and went fishing! Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday.

All his friends get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find everyman’s dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Couple

 

 

An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of icecream". The husband said "I will get you some ice cream".

"I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said.

 

 

 "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said. A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wisdom

 

 

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Engaged

 

A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Season Pass

 

 

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

 

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery

 

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Date

 

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing

 

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up some where with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No, Thank You

 

 

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.

The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three drunks

 

 

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

 

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

 

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: The Health Care Blues

 

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

 

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

 

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Girls want to go

 

 

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

[clementi]

Joke: Stray Rabid Dog

 

 

A neighbour of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: First Date

 

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Arrogant

 

 

Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg at the tennis club.

 

“So, Jim said, “How’s it working out with that shrink I recommended.” “Great,” Greg said. “I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s green earth.”

 

Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatric hospital

 

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

 

“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

 

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''

Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All gone

 

 

A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asks the friend.

“My wife found out!” replied the man.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Man

 

 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

 

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

 

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife's first husband

 

 

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jim and Mary

 

 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are the chances?

 

 

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tampax

 

 

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

 

 

[worldangel]

My 7000th post

 

Joke: Doctor & Plumber

 

 

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Internist

 

 

A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. “I know a great one,” his friend said, “but he’s very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that.”

The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated “I’m back!”

The doctor proceeded with the examination. “Very good,” he said when he was finished.

“Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Visit

 

 

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child.

After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

 

The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: No one asked?

 

 

An Idiot was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers. After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal.

 

"You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?"

 

Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiot replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Have a Nice Weekend

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

 

 

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The truck driver

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


 

 

[clementi]

Joke: How you do that?

 

 

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Are we over the border yet?

 

 

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

  He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
  The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

  The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

  At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Dentist

 

 

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”

 

The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”
The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”
 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Speed Trap

 

A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street. 

Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the driver’s window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could" 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ticket

 

 

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Divorced

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to

himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this every day for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who

it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of

story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I am the groom

 

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 
"But officer, I just wanted to say...." 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Juggler

 

 

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: 911

 

 

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

 

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stop Sign

 

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stop Sign

 

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Stop Sign

 

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Disappointment

Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ."

 

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?"