Be Happy :)

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Gay Joke: In Love with Horse

 

 

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

 

 

"I'm in love with my horse," he said.

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

 

 

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

 

 

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, gay?"

[clementi]

Lesbian Joke: Young Lesbian

A young lesbian goes to her gynaecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her

feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a

woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The cross-eye cow

 

 

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

 

 

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured, he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

 

 

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

 

 

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

Edited August 26, 2013 by iamziz

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Doctor’s Convention

 

 

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

 

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

 

''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

 

This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''

 

Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anaesthesist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dead Dog

 

 

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

 

The vet went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The vet put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.

 

She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''

The vet said ''$300''

 

She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''

He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scanning''

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: $10 Complain

 

 

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Corpsalicious

 

 

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensic. First: Don't fear anything.''

 

 

After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

 

 

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bedside Confession

 

 

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dentist

 

 

A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said “You must be a good dentist.”

 

He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist.” She said, “I didn't feel a thing.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bar Crawl

 

 

A man drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde at the Doctor

 

 

Please remove your blouse, says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doctor says, "OK, big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I've had them thinth I wath thixthteen!"

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Eye Examination

 

 

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examined his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

 

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

 

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ashes to Ashes

 

 

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

 

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

 

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Always bring the fingers

 

 

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.

"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: 69

 

 

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

[clementi]

Joke: Beaver

 

 

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “What's that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

 

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

   

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Dentist

 

 

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''

''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Computer Analysis

 

 

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

 

 

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

 

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[clementi]

Joke: Blonde Diet

 

 

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days

 

"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."

 

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

 

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"

 

She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dr. Doctor

 

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

 

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

 

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But it was still not good! So they tried:

 

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

 

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

 

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Biting

 

 

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

 

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

 

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

 

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: No Backseat

 

 

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Avon Calling

 

 

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

 

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

 

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

 

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

 

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

 

 

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Appendicitis

 

 

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blind and the Blond

 

 

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

 

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful?

 

 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

 

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Castration

 

 

Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Chilin Biddies

 

 

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

 

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Camoflauge Clothing

 

 

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clearly Cheating

 

 

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."