Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Disease

 

 

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Again

 

 

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Engineer and The Frog

 

 

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blonde

 

 

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guardian Angel

 

 

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiding in the Closet

 

 

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fence of Love

 

 

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mad Cow Concern

 

 

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymooners

 

 

Two virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Man at Bedtime

 

 

A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around.

As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?"

She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."

 

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: After the Honeymoon

 

 

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Women

 

 

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counselled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hot Breakfast

 

 

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[clementi]

Joke: Beyond Impotent

 

 

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.

"I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

"Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Depends

 

 

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- where else?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Husband’s best friend

 

 

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Anniversary Lingerie

 

 

For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.

He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out."

"Well, what do you think today?"

He says, "I think I did a good job."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Heavenly Marital Help

 

 

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: My Bagpipes

 

 

1st man: "My neighbours were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"

2nd man: "Did they wake you?"

1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Musician

 

 

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?”

 

I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.”

“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing Aids

 

 

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Piano Tuner

 

 

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

 

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

 

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbours did.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Thank you!

 

 

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.

The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: What is the Problem?

 

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?

 

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Have a nice weekend!

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wedding

 

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

 

 

The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dear Hubby

 

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."


 

 

[iamziz]

 

Edited September 18, 2013 by iamziz

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a Breakfast

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Anniversary

 

 

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

 

The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Gates to Heaven

 

 

At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.

The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.

George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, “Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sounds just like him

 

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

 

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

 

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?” “No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A Fine Weapon

 

 

The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?”

 

Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. “Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time,” said David.

 

Mr. Harris nodded, “You certainly have a fine weapon.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Pianist

 

 

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"

Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Lottery

 

 

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Poor Wife

 

 

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tackle Box

 

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[iamziz]

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Sinus or Seenus

 

 

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis".

 

The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

 

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich Man and the Beggar

 

 

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."

 

The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."

 

The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."

 

He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"

 

 

The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Groundhog Days

 

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office. At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

 

At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"