Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding Anniversary

 

 

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:

"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Counselling

 

 

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.

 

After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Coats

 

 

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Obituary

 

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."

 

The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."


 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Good Boy

 

A little boy says to his mother, "Mom, I'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time"

The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.

The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."


 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Good Relationship

 

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

 

"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Yes Dear

 

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

 

The Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pillsbury

 

 

While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

 

He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”

[clementi]

Joke: Overpopulation

 

 

A couple is reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Yes, in-laws

 

 

A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it.

 

Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Certificate

 

 

The wife saw her husband frustrated reading the Marriage Certificate from top to bottom, flip it over, and then read it again...

She asked:" Honey, what are you looking for?"

He answered:" Nothing dear, I’m just looking for the expiration date for this paper..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Counselling

 

 

A couple attended marriage counselling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counsellor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
 

“John,” the marriage counsellor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counsellor very excited. “I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.

“Great!” replied the counsellor, “ And how’s your wife?”

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”


 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Jonnie

 

One day Little Jonnie says to his father: I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johnny: Yes...Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?
Johnny: Why not? You married my mother.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Groundhog Day

 

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

 

At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman shouldn’t wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'

 

[clementi]

Joke: Amazing Place

 

 

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

 

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband."

 

"Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?"

 

"Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man’s love for his wife

 

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

 

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your

neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

 

To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-Law

 

A girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for green tea.

 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.

 

"I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter" he replies.

 

"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the boy.

 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.

 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"

 

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Flight Number 293

 

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Your Eyes ....!

 

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please?

 

‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding

 

 

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Guess?

 

 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Did we land?

 

 

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.

 

 

He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wine taster...

 

 

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

 

 

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said:

 

 

"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

 

 

"That's correct", said the astonished boss. Another glass....

 

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

 

 

"Correct." A third glass ..

 

 

'It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'', said the drunk, calmly.

 

 

The director was truly astounded. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

 

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

 

The director fainted.

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

 

Edited September 27, 2013 by iamziz

[clementi]

Joke: Give me whatever

 

 

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.

 

“I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.

 

“Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Yes or No

 

 

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

 

'What are my choices?' Greg asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tuesday and Thursday

 

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

 

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion." What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

 

On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down.

 

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

 

"The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday."

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Age Gap

 

 

At 85 years of age, Bob married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

 

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Bob should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Bob, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Bob takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's  Bob, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Bob kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Bob Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Bob gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Bob.'

 

Bob, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

The moral of the story:

 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All Drinks 10 Cents

 

 

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

  

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

 

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

  

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,  "Come on

 in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

  

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini.  In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken,  not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."

  

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.   They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,  and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."  They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

  

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.

  

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

  

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar.   Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.   Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."

  

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

  

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people  at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

  

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"   

  

The bartender says, "Oh, they're semi-retired guys, and they're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price!

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: At Airline Counter

 

 

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.

The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”

The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

 

[clementi]

Joke: 3 Parachutes only

 

 

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

 

 

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.

 

 

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

 

 

The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Keeping the Passion Alive...

 

 

Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe?, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 60 years ago?

 

We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again."

 

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it.

 

He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen.

 

Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour. The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

 

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

 

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you make love like that 60 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 60 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bats

 

 

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

 

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

 

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

 

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

 "You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

 

 "Yeah, I think I do!"

 "Well, I didn't."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Robbery

 

 

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down. He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?  She said no, but my husband over there did.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dress

 

 

A woman puts on a dress two sizes smaller than her large frame and thinking that she looked good she turned to her brother and asked, "How do I look in this dress?"

He said, "Not too bad."

Smiling ever so sweetly, she then started to prance. Realizing his mistake, the brother then said, "I said you don't look TOO bad, that doesn't mean that you don't still look bad."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Almond and Chocolate

 

 

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

 

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Buddies

 

 

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Fred

 

 

Old Fred was a religious man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Old Fred died. He said, "You know, Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental Hospital

 

 

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

 

Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa

 

 

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

 

“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

 

The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Under the Wagon

 

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Modern Art Museum

 

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: RIP

 

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

[iamziz]