Be Happy :)

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Pilots

 

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second says, “No, it’s Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Air Travel

 

 

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight.

 

Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Always by my side

 

 

A woman`s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunters in the Woo

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

 

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Client

 

 

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened His own law office. One day he was sitting idle at His desk when His secretary announced that a Mr.Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" the lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "...and you tell them that we won`t accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don`t even call me until you agree to that amount!"

Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I`m from the telephone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I`m here to connect that phone." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgeons

 

 Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: By the seaside

 

 

 

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You reap what you sew

 

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Innocent Enquiry

 

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Desperate Measures

 

 

A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it anymore. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold Hands ...

 

 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Admiring our own work

 

 

The pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go forth and Multiply

 

 

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take your choice

 

 

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

 

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

 

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.

 

Twenty minutes later her husband comes

back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Me?

 

 

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled Her over for speeding.

As he was giving Her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma`am," explained the officer, "it`s your foot."

[worldangel]

Joke: UFO Crash

 

A guy is walking beside a lake when he sees a flying saucer swoop overhead, and crash in to the water. In the wreckage that floats to the surface, he sees a body, so he dives in to pull it ashore. It turns out to be a beautiful, green skinned alien babe in a skintight silver spacesuit. He gives her mouth to mouth, and unzips her suit to help her breathe.

"Oh thank you, human, you've saved my life!" she gasps. Then seeing the guy staring at her exposed, green skinned tits, she smiles shyly.

"On my planet we call these 'breasts'...do you like them?"

 

The guy nods, speechless, as the ET beauty arches her back, fingertips stroking the jutting emerald buds atop her firm boobs.

 

"These, we call 'nipples'....." she gasps, before unzipping her spacesuit all the way down.

"...and this, on my world, is called a 'pussy'..." she croons, revealing her lovely. bald, smooth green snatch.

 

Unable to contain himself the guy tugs down his fly and pulls out his cock.

"What do you call this on your world?" he gasps.

 

"I don't know" the alien babe frowns. "But if it were green and eight inches longer, it would be a cock."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hungry Cock

A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under His arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

 

 

The girl tells him that he CAN`T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into His trousers, and returns.

 

 

He buys His ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips His fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped His pants!"

 

 

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don`t worry about it..you`ve seen one, you`ve seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW...but this one`s eating my POPCORN!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Policeman

 

 

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake His wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, His wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I`ve got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling His way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren`t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Egg Donor

 

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

 

 

"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

 

 

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

 

 

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

 

Joke: Circus Elephant

 

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra Large Condoms

 

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful?

 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

 

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

 

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Future Career

 

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A doctor?"

"And why's that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Breakfast

 

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[clementi]

Joke: 69

 

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.

 

And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

[clementi]

Joke: Biting

 

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

 

 

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

 

 

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

 

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

[slwc]

So there was this slightly introverted high school student who had never asked a girl to a dance. It's his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. So he musters up the courage and asks one of his friends. She says yes. Now he has to prepare for the dance.

 

The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line. So he waits, and waits, and waits, then he finally gets the tickets.

 

The next day, he goes with his date to go get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door. So the wait, they wait, and they wait. Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress.

 

After this, they go to men's warehouse to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit.

 

The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line. So he waits, waits, and waits until he gets his order in.

 

Now it's the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo, so he calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go into the place. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner. So he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he was lucky enough to get the very last limo.

 

So now it's the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom. So the wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get to the front and they both pass their drug tests.

 

Now the dance was going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really had to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go, and he sees this huge line going out of the bathroom. He waits, waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.

 

When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She had just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, "hey, you're her date, go get her some punch."

 

So he goes over to the punch table and thank god, there is no punch line.

[clementi]

Joke: Sexual Sofa

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."

Joke: How about some?

 

 

An old man and his wife sit in bed watching TV. Suddenly, the old woman turns off the TV, faces her husband and slyly opens her bathrobe. "How about some super p**sy?"

The old man calmly says, "I'll take the soup."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Grandpa’s stiff neck

 

 

A man notices his grandpa sitting on his front porch, completely naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, why are you sitting out here without pants?" he exclaims.

The old man says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sister Anne’s Reward

 

 

Sitting by the windo, Sister Anne noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.

Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped a $10 bill in it and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $60 bucks you won. Don't Despair paid five to one!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snow Parking

 

 

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.

"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.

"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the... ." The power went off.

He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"

Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking duck to the market

 

 

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"

The farmer said "Well done, son."

The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.

He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute.

"I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.

On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."

The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grocery store tantrums

 

 

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go -- don't throw a fit. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."

When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for the gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says.

The mother sighs, "Oh, no -- my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."

[worldangel]

Joke: $100 bill tattoo

 

 

A guy goes into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tampon shopping

 

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom size tester

 

 

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in Aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Medium!" Mortified, the guy hurries over to pay and quickly leaves.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in Aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?"

Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie. A few minutes later, Sophie yells, "Cleanup in Aisle 4!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Special Lawyer Treatment

 

 

A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.

The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replies, "Well, we've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tooth Brush

 

 

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.

Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

[clementi]

Joke: Lesbians Viagra

 

Lesbians can also take Viagra.

 

 

They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

[clementi]

Joke: A Cowboy and Lesbian

 

 

A cowboy who is sitting on a park bench when a woman comes and sits down next to him. She looks at his hat and boots and says, "Are you a real cowboy?" He answers, "Well, I've worked on ranches tending cows and horses all my life, so yep, I guess I'm a real cowboy."

 

She thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women when I wake up. I think about them all day long. And I think about them when I'm going to sleep."

 

After they talk a little more she gets up and leaves. Some time later a man comes along and sits down next to him on the bench, check him out, and asks, "Are you really a cowboy?" "Well," he answers, "I used to think I was, but now I think I'm a lesbian."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Singlish and the SIA Girl 

Interviewer: Name me 3 cars starting with the letter "L". 
Applicant 1: "LANCER" 
Interviewer: Good, next 
Applicant 1: um.... "LEXUS" 
Interviewer: Good, last one 
Applicant 1, thinking for a while, says "LOLLS LOYCE" 

Interviewer: Name me 3 fruits starting with the letter "A".
Applicant 2: "APPLE"

 Interviewer: Good, next 

Applicant 2: um.... "APRICOT" 
Interviewer: Good, last one 
Applicant 2, thinking for a while, says "ANG MOR TAN" 

Interviewer: Name me a watch starting with the letter "L". 
Applicant 3: "LOLEX!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

 

 

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do your remember this?"

 

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

 

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

 

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

 

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

 

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

 

She giggled and said, "Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.

 

What do you have to say tonight?"

 

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A story of very short man

 

 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One`s for me and one`s for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That`s amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That`s amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor`s powers!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Arriving home very drunk

 

 

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don`t you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk`s wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where`s his wheel chair?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Trap

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

 

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.

 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I`m the designated decoy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip Joint

 

 

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
 

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: The thankful drunker

 

 

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I`ve got to take you in, sir. You`re obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I`m drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I`m sure," said the copper. "Let`s go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That`s a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The fast drinker

 

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What`ll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he`s doing all this drinking.

"You`d drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I didn’t get any money this time

 

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

 

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

 

The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I`m the designated decoy."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Taxi Driver

 

 

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."