Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Pantyhose

 

 

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office
romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each
other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet
to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had
known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I
would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

[worldangel]

Joke: $15 bucks

 

 

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

Joke: Three Girls

 

 

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Joke: Changing Mind

 

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bet a man had

 

 

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes His way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants His $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn`t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The father & son at the bar

 

 

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer.

"Can I have one, Dad?"

"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.

"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"

"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one."

On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous.

"You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?"

"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"

"Yes."

"Then go f**k yourself."

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken story

 

 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

 

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

 

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......

 

'Grandpa.......Go home! You're drunk.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 shots of whiskey

 

 

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they`ve both passed on, I`ve continued to order the three shots in their honour."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I`ve decided to stop drinking."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No dogs allowed!

 

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can`t bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I`m sorry, here, the first one`s on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can`t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it`s a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can`t bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don`t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Argument

 

 

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[clementi]

Joke: Pick a room

 

 

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him

"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They`ll go to heaven and you`ll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I`ve found you`re replacement."

Joke: Bathtime, what?

 

 

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

 

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I`ll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He`s in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

 

"If there`s anything else you`d like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

 

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer`s evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  The faithhealer

 

Two women were sitting in the doctor`s waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That`s why I`m here. I`m going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I`ve tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn`t help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ice Cream

 

 

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.
He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.
He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wife or mistress?

 

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It`s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You`re both wrong. It`s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you`re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you`re with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

[worldangel]

Joke: Things only women can understand

 

 

10. Why it`s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Id10t

 

 

Young Susie was having trouble with Her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to Her desk.

Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an `ID ten T` error."

A puzzled expression ran over Susie`s face. " `An ID ten T` error? What`s that, in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave Her a grin. "Haven`t you ever seen an `ID ten T` error before?"

Susie replied, "No."

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you`ll figure it out.". .. .. .. I D 1 0 T

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Curing a cough

 

 

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

 

He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup, the clerk explains. So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.
Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot, the owner shouts angrily.

 

Sure it will, the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ding-Dong

 

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent`s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn`t come along, he`d still be alive today!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital Mix-up

 

 

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

 

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

 

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

 

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I`ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It`ll just have to be someone else`s, that`s all."

[worldangel]

Joke: Skilled Prisoner

 

 

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During His stay, he got along well with the guards and all His fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing His time.

 

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

 

The warden was thinking of remodelling His kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised His wife. So he called Andy into His office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ``Gosh, I`d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.``

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Megastore

 

 

The manager of a megastore came to check on His new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.

 

"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$58,334."

 

Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he`d need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said His Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."

 

The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for His wife`s migraine. I told him, "Your weekend`s shot. You should probably go fishing."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to sell lawnmover

 

 

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

 

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you`re going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I`ll take one."

 

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

 

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend`s shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In Tune

 

 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT?"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells His wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes at about $100 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don`t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let`s get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, let`s go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now."
The wife`s face goes blank.

He says "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

 

Joke: Isn’t nice?

 

 

One day two women are sitting on the front porch talking. The first woman says, "My husband just proposed to me!"

The second woman replies, "Isn’t that nice?"

The first woman says, "My husband took me to an expensive French restaurant."

The second woman replies, "Oh, isn’t that nice."
The first woman says, "My husband bought me a brand-new mink coat."

"Yes, isn’t that nice," says the second woman.
The first woman asks, "So what has your husband done for you?

"
"My husband took me to an anger management class," replies the second wife, "where they taught me to say, “Isn ‘t that nice? ‘instead of “Who gives a flying f*#@?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before it starts

 

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

 

<BR>The wife sighs and gets him a beer. <BR><BR>Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

 

<BR><BR>She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it`s going to start any minute!"

 

<BR><BR>The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you`re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You`re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." <BR><BR>The man sighs and says, "It`s started..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The newly weds

 

 

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes His way to the kitchen where he sees His new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What`s wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can`t cook or clean."

The husband smiles His biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don`t care that you can`t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I`ll show you what I`d like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find His new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What`s wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can`t cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don`t you come back up to the bedroom and I`ll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees His new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her Age

 

Harold`s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven`t added them up yet."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Negotiations

 

Then there`s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you`ve got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We`re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren`t we."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Belfast Pub

 

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

 

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little jerk, O'Conner,' says Sean,

 

'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

 

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'

 

That I did,' said Paddy.

'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

[clementi]

Joke: Politicians are liar

 

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

 

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

 

To which the man replied, "Some said they weren`t, but you know how politicians lie."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Windows Engineer

 

 

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

 

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

 

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

 

The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Three times to pee

 

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

 

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

 

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

 

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?

 

''It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

'Oh my dear! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

 

 

Joke: Marriage Language Sign

 

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can`t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can`t hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where my babies come from?

 

 

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

 

 

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn`t have to explain it to her daughter.

 

 

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won`t it knock all my teeth out?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If only this can give joke?

 

 

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife`s breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms Complaint

 

 

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren`t they cute, what are their names?"

 

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don`t know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?" The man looking angrier and replied, "I don`t know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

 

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: It is really quiet?

 

 

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I`ve been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you`ve had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I`d gone deaf."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bad seeing-eye dog

 

 

John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.

Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.

John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I`d have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I`m going to. But I need to find its head first".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ex-Prisoner

 

 

Three guys had just been released from prison and were really kinky. They saw this beautiful woman as they were walking in the woods.

 

Each of them had sex with the woman. Unfortunately, the woman was part of a tribe and the tribe Chief captured the three men and made a bargain with them. He said, "If the three of your penises together measure twenty one inches (or more) we will not kill you but let you go free.”

 

They took the first guy and he measured 15.5inches. They took the second guy and he measured 5 inches. Finally they took the third man and he was with them for a few hours and he measured .5 inches.

 

The Chief released the men because they together measured twenty-one. On the way home they were bragging to each other. The first man said. You guys are really lucky for my fifteen and a half inches. The second man said that they were really lucky for his five inches. The third man said. “You guys are lucky that I had a bone!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which way is he going?

 

 

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Grandpa and Grandchild

 

 

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.  "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Social Security Proof

 

 

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers` license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

 

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mortician’s Big Discovery

 

 

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Moth Inspector

 

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.

He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. "Who the hell are you?" he yells.

The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector."

"Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?"

He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my goodness, I'm too late!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Got Nuts

 

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morning Messages

 

 

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner, but his wife was already preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he grabbed his cell phone and texted his wife:
"The tent pole is up, the canvas is spread. The hell with breakfast, come back to bed."

The wife answered the text: "Take the tent pole down, put the canvas away.
The monkey's exhausted. No circus today."

So he sent another text: "The tent pole's still up and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you're doing and come give me some head."

To which she texted back: "I know that your pole's the best in the land, but I'm busy right now, so do it by hand."

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: New Family for the Parrot

 

 

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.

The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.

The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."

When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."

Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.

When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband’s Performance

 

 

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hop on Pop

 

 

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paying the Price

 

 

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Princess and the Frog

 

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor Hearing

 

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"