Be Happy :)

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Professional Practical Jokes

 

 

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma Racy’s New Panties

 

 

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Real Man

 

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Related Death

 

 

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing the Screw

 

 

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rejection Education

 

 

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk Driving

 

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

 

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

 

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

 

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either”

responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”…

[clementi]

Joke: Walk the Line

 

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road.

 

He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.”

 

“I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.”
 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Girl Friend

 

 

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”

 

“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”

 

“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”

 

“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”

 

“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Prison Mail

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[worldangel]

Joke: Searching for Perfect Man

 

 

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.

She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.

She got married again and that husband failed in bed.

Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."

The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.

"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.

"Tell me a little about you."

"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.

"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.

He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Alzheimer

 

 

So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “You’re test
results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”.

 

The old man says, “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Cancer!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-Law

 

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.

 

When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.  

 

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?”

“Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.”

 

“And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

“I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man.

“And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?”

“The Lord will provide” answered the young man again.

 

“How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.

“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just being practical

 

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.

 

After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself. On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”

 

 

“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Eye Doctor

 

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes.

 

The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair.

 

“There there”, he said “only one eye left!”
 

[clementi]

Joke: Blood Pressure

 

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion. “I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.

 

“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor. Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”

 

“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The revenge on doctor

 

 

A colleague and I were fitting clothes for a fashion show benefit. All the models were residents of our small town, including the local doctor.

 

He tried on one outfit and then asked, “What should I do next?” gleefully seizing the opportunity my friend replied, “go to the dressing room remove your clothes put on a paper robe and wait.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales Associate

 

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

 

“Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”…

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Death Preparation

 

Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc.

 

“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to  put an end to it.”

 

“No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flower

 

 

Harry and Barbra’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend.

 

“One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favourite type of flower?”

 

Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s gold medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”…
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding Ticket

 

 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

 

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

 

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

 

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

 

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”…

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Enjoy Life

 

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80?

 

“Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.”

 

“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”

 

“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant

 

 

A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.

 

After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”

 

The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”…
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Own blanket

 

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." 

"Why not," giggles the woman. 
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly Ladies

 

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" 

"Opened a can of peas instead."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman in Power

 

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.

 

It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family.

 

One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.

 

During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.

“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.

 

“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!”

No response.

“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!”

Nothing.

 

“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”

 

“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snail

 

 

Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails.

 

One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.

 

Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails.

 

At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.

 

Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”… 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Principal?

 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flat Tire

 

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vampires

 

 

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding Ticket

 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

 

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

 

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

 

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

 

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

 

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

 

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

 

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

 

“Ma’am, stand back!”

 

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”…

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Pussy

 

 

An old Woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

 

 

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[worldangel]

Joke: I did not wear any pants

 

 

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: “Go on climb that tree.”

 

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: “oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

 

He told her to climb again and she did.

 

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: “My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

 

The girl replied and said: “No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Difference in Making Love

 

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

 

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again till we get it right.

 

A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

 

And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Branch Hanging

 

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

 

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

 

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.  To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $400 for a Night

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly wed couple

 

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we’re married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i’m flat chested.
husband: i don’t believe u..prove it. So she takes off her shirt.

 

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we’re married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im “weighed like a baby”.
wife: i don’t believe you, prove it. So he takes off his pants.

 

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a Party

 

At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.

“Look at the girl over there,” she complained. “I don’t know what young girls are coming to! She’s wearing boy’s jeans, a boy’s shirt, and that haircut is so boyish – you wouldn’t know she was a girl at all, would you?”

“Well, as it happens, I would,” came the reply, “because she is my daughter.”

“Oh dear,” said the old lady embarrassed, “I’m so sorry – I didn’t know you were her father.”

“I’m not, I’m her mother.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: How baby born

 

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

 

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

 

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

 

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: After the office party

 

 

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

 

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

 

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

 

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

 

[clementi]

Joke: How many women?

 

 

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

 

“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.

 

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

 

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there’s you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..”

[worldangel]

Joke: Afternoon quicky

 

 

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

 

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

 

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

“An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed.

 

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”

 

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lifetime savings

 

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

 

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

 

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

 

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duct tape

 

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

 

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

 

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

 

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

 

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Jeff.

 

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

 

“And what happened then?”

 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

 

“I kicked her in the face.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Rodeo position

 

 

Two guys in a bar are discussing “positions” so one tells the other, “Well my favourite is the rodeo!” and the other says, “What’s the rodeo?”

 

“well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you’re halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, ‘you know, this is your sister’s favourite position too’ and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing it in the dark

 

 

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they always have sex in the dark.

 

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

 

“Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?” she exclaimed.

“Honey, let me explain….” he pleaded.

 

“You sneaky swine!” she screamed. “You impotent Son of a Bitch!”

 

“Speaking of sneaky!” he interjected, “Perhaps you’d care to explain our two children!!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage Problem

 

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately.

 

 

Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

 

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two coats

 

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on.

 

She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."