Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Bob was in trouble. He forgot ...

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two dumb fishermen decided to ...

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

[worldangel]

Joke: Coma

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

 

"I think you bring me bad luck."  

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer runs a stop sign and ...

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff’s Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

 

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couples

 

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

 

 

 

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

 

 

 

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

 

 

 

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference." 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: So, what are your plans?

 

 

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

 

 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

 

 

 

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

 

 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

 

 

 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." 

[worldangel]

Joke: An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Working?

 

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”
The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny rashes

This fella goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

 

The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

 

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

 

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

 

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Women

 

 

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

 

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

 

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

 

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rise Caesar!  

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

 

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"

 

And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.

 

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

 

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'

Woman: 'Four.'

Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'

Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'

Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'

Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A blonde and a brunette are ...

 

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.

The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!"

The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Desperate

 

 

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Healing the sick

 

 

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

 

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

 

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

 

 

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

 

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip Joint

 

 

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fifteen Bucks

 

 

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 year old nightie

 

 

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

 

Wife: “Honey, do you remember this?”

Husband: “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

Wife: “That’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

Husband: “Yes dear, I still remember.”

Wife: “Well, what was it?”

 

Husband: “As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.’ ”

 

Wife (She giggled): “Yes honey, that’s exactly what you said. So, now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Husband: “Mission accomplished.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 25^th anniversary

 

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

 

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f()ck your brains out, and s()ck your tits dry.”

 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pullover

 

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for a while he yells to her, "PULLOVER".

 

She replies, "No a pair of socks".

[worldangel]

Joke: Potato Pancakes

 

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. 

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cordless Phone

 

 

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away.

 

After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her.

 

"How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two paths and gates

 

 

At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.

The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.

George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, “Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Shipwrecked

 

 

After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the ship’s Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food.

 

He then takes the Captain to the water’s edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then what’s that building over there?" the Captain asks.

Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, that’s the synagogue I would not be caught dead in."

 

 

Joke: Beach Babe

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.

 

[clementi]

Joke: A Scrote

 

 

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

 

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”

 

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”

 

Without missing a beat the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Kneasles

 

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww - what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”

 

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

 

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” She asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

 

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

 

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

 

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess.. Smallcox?”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t know whom to fire

 

 

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

 

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

 

 

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

 

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

[clementi]

Joke: You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

 

 

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.

She said, ‘What does that mean?’

He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.

She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’

He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding

 

[iamziz]

 

Edited November 16, 2013 by iamziz

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa

 

 

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Couple

 

 

A senior couple decided to go shopping one day, and split their efforts by going separate ways. Near the end of the shopping event they decided to get together for lunch.

 

As the woman was on her way to the rendezvous point, she heard a traffic warning on the radio that a car was driving in the wrong direction up ahead. Knowing that her husband was near the point of the warning, she decided to call him on the cell phone.

 

When he answered, she explained, "I just heard on the news, someone is driving in the wrong direction on the highway!"

 

And the husband replied, "One? There's hundreds of folks going the wrong way where I am!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Longer Cane?

 

 

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.

 

A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"

The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insurance payment

 

 

Two elderly men were sunning themselves on a Miami Beach when they started a friendly conversation.

"I was able to move here to retire in Miami after my business burned to the ground," the one man said. "The insurance payment sure came in handy."

The other replied, "I'm here living from an insurance claim when my factory was flooded out."

The first man pondered for a few seconds and then asked, "How do you start a flood?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgetful

 

 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Now terrific guy?

 

Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg at the tennis club. “So, Jim said, “How’s it working out with that shrink I recommended.”

 

“Great,” Greg said. “I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s green earth.”

 

Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement

 

 

There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement. Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.

 

Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"

 

A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2. He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy and Grandpa

 

 

Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?
Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like?

Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.

Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your name please?

 

 

Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".

The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen

 

 

One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream."

 

 

Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.

 

 

When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny bull pills

 

 

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

 

 

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

 

The farmer looks delighted: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows! “Wow,” says his friend, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

 

“Just gave him some pills’” said the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked his friend. “I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Your parents?

 

 

There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy Old gentleman.

After he proposed, she suggested, “we might even have some children!”
The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.”

“What do you mean?” asked the young woman
“Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Seenus or sinus?

 

 

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer."

 

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus".

 

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

 

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating

 

 

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

 

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

 

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At Dentist

 

 

A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.

She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist “I’ll do it again this time, but no more. There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”

“Who said anything about my mouth?” he woman answered.

“They don’t fit in the glass!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgetful

 

 

An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?" "That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked.

 

 

"That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma.

 

 

"As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Three room mates

 

 

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"