Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Changing Mind

 

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
 

[clementi]

Joke: Ear or Finger

 

 

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pantyhose

 

 

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Staring

 

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jack divorcing wife on first night

 

 

Jack: I divorced my wife on the first night.

 

Tom: Why?

 

Jack: I saw the label on her panties “OK TESTED - JOCKEY”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What?

 

 

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.

 

Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?

 

Teacher: Technically. Yes.

 

Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...

 

Teacher: what?

 

Student: what?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are they doing?

 

 

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"

 

 

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.

 

 

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."

 

 

His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Absurd

 

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

 

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

 

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

 

The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I am going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

 

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanted?

 

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

 

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Boss

 

 

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

 

Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."

 

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?

 

She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After the office party

 

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

 

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

 

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

 

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

 

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Difference in making love

 

 

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

 

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again till we get it right.

 

A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

 

And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Favour

 

 

I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

 

I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

 

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

 

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry.

 

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

 

Do you have a piece of gum?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 wonderful hours

 

 

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.”

 

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that.

 

The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?”

 

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead branch hanging

 

 

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

 

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

 

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.  To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $400 for a night

 

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rodeo position

 

 

Two guys in a bar are discussing “positions” so one tells the other, “Well my favourite is the rodeo!”and the other says, “What’s the rodeo?”

 

 

“Well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you’re halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, ‘You know, this is your sister’s favourite position too’ and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!”

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

 

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

 

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.

 

"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped by the Police

 

 

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who's the Father

 

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."
Later that night her voice rang down the stairs.

"Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."
"I should hope so !" the Mother responded.

"The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."
"Chill Mom." the girl said.

"I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Birthday

 

 

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."

 

 

Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

 

 

I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missed the bus

 

 

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

 

Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

 

When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

 

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

 

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It really works

 

 

A couple came upon a wishing well.

 

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

 

The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

 

The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

 

 

A man gets the words 'I love you' tattooed to his penis.

 

He goes home and shows his wife.

 

His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly wedded couple

 

 

This newly wedded couple were on honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we’re married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i’m flat chested.
husband: i don’t believe u..prove it.

 

 

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we’re married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im “weighed like a baby”.
wife: i don’t believe you, prove it.

 

So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grilling Remarks

 

 

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

 

So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!” She ignores the remark.

 

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Granny

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.

 

The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked.

 

She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

 

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

 

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 25 years ago

 

 

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plastic Surgery

 

 

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-up

 

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

 

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Challenge

 

 

I stopped a girl in the street last night and handed her a rape alarm and some pepper spray.

 

She looked confused and said, "What are these for?" I started unbuttoning my jeans and replied, "I like a challenge."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Local Bar

 

 

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

 

People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

 

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard! You were at the bar last night drinking again!" Peter was confused. "How did you find out?" "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunters

 

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Final Exam

 

 

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

 

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

 

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Always been a Doubt

 

 

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”

His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

 

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

 

“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

 

“So did anything happen?”

“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.

 

“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”

 

“Then what happened?” says the man.

“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”

“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Easily explained

 

 

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

 

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

 

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?

 

“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”

 

“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.

 

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.

 

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”

“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tarzan

 

 

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked.

 

 

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

 

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

 

 

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

[clementi]

Joke: The chieftan

 

 

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.

 

 

"Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer.

 

 

You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test.

 

 

Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A rope and two knots

 

 

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

 

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?”

 

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

 

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?”

The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

 

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.

 

“Oh my!” she cries, “What is that?”

“Well, darlin’” he chuckles proudly, “That’s ma’rope!”

She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh my goodness! What are those?” she asks.

 

“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute!”

 

Her husband, panting a little, asks, “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?”

“No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots, I need more rope!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Luck

 

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: On desert island

 

 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

 

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

 

The second guy wishes the same.

 

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hot air balloon

 

 

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

 

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

 

The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three daughters

 

 

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".

 

The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house. So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.

 

When she reached the second daughter’s bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it. The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

 

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled". Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In two hour’s time

 

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.

 

So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

 

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three sons

 

There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday.

One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion.

 

The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo. The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot. The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house.

 

She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo. She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Anniversary

 

 

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

 

The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

[worldangel]

Joke: What day is this?

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.

 

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

 

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like your father

 

 

A little boy says to his mother, "Mom, I'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time"

The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.

The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."