Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

 

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Speeding

 

 

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the last time ..

 

A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A rich man and a poor man

 

 

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

 

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

 

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

 

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let me bring the dog

 

 

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three guys

 

 

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says "What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

 

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

 

Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex drive

 

 

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."

 

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

 

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.

 

The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: King & his daughter

 

 

A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier. The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughter’s private part.

 

The next morning the king checks the guy’s private part and there's green glitter all over it. More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening. Finally, one day this guy comes along.

 

The king puts the green glitter on his daughter’s private part, and the next morning checks the guy’s privates and there was no green glitter.

 

The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughter’s hand in marriage. The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.

 

 

 

 

Joke: The differences

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

 

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

 

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

 

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

[clementi]

Joke: Therapy session

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Homesick

 

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

 

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

 

The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Patient & Doctor

 

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hickory dickory

 

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

 

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

 

At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

 

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[clementi]

Joke: At Pharmacy

 

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

 

He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

 

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ferrari?

 

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the groom

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

 

Two drunks are standing at a whorehouse door.

 

The first drunk says, "I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we've got."

 

The second drunk says, "Not so loud, or they won't let us in."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor advice

 

 

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy birthday

 

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday.

 

"Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. "

 

My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.

 

Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Titsengolf

 

 

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

 

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

 

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Health examination

 

 

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

 

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

 

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

 

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

 

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father & his daughters

 

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them.

 

So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

 

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

 

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

 

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

 

She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Super train set

 

Pointing to a super train set, an old man said to the shop clerk, “I’ll take it.”

“I’m sure your grandson will like it, sir,” said the clerk.

“I suppose you are right,” sighed the old man, “You’d better give me two.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: About music

 

 

Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station.

 

"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son.

 

"It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."

 

Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"

 

"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Zookeeper

 

 

A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview.

The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview.

"So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked.

"Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied.

"And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked.

"I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied.

The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?"

"Jim...Jim Pan-Zee."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding anniversary

 

 

A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into.

 

He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totaling $10,000 and three chicken eggs.

 

He asked her, "What are the eggs doing in there?" She said,"Well, I have to admit that I haven't been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe."

 

He thought about it and said, "Well, I guess I can't be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?" She replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little gift

 

 

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

 

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

 

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

 

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

 

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

 

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

 

The clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: To get screwed

 

 

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."

 

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.

 

The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"

 

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."

 

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"

 

The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good & bad news

 

 

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad day at table

 

 

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" 

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" 

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! 

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. 

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" 

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 college students

 

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

 

Three women were in the waiting room of a gyneacologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

 

"What was that?" The others asked her.

 

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

 

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

 

"What was that?" the others asked.

 

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

 

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

 

"What was that?" the others asked her.

 

"It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: IRS

 

 

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bicycle

 

 

A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand.

 

On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out.

 

Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub.

 

"Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?"

 

Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoplifting

 

 

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

 

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

 

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

 

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

 

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: What happened?

 

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, my goodness no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: 3 Cakes

 

 

A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"

"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said, 
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,"This is two. One and two make three."

"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."

[clementi]

Joke: Embarrassment

 

 

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." 

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." 

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" 

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." 

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Associate

 

 

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.

 

After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

 

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

 

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A shot of whiskey

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.

 

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

 

The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fingers

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogie?     

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better boyfriend

 

 

Two girls were comparing boyfriends. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"

 

 

"Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hardlicker there is!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss

 

 

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"

 

The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."

 

"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."

 

"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Nooner

 

 

A businessman and his secret secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."

 

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

 

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

 

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

[clementi]

Joke: Trial for murder

 

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door.

 

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation.

 

I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

 

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: At local welfare office

 

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wino

 

 

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

 

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.

 

"Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Present

 

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk driving

 

 

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

 

 

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

 

 

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.

 

The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state trooper’s car.