Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating

 

 

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry.

 

He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.

 

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.

 

The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.

 

The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

 

Which one does he end up marrying?

 

The one with the biggest boobs.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husbands Sneaking Home

 

 

While leaving a poker party that lasted much longer than it was supposed to, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained.

 

 

"I turn off the car engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

 

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied.

 

 

"I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, 'How about a little?' and she pretends to be asleep."

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Top 5 men

 

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepper

 

 

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

 

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

 

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

 

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

 

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich man and a beggar

 

                                 

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."

Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."

Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."

Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man?

 

Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken husband

 

 

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

 

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

 

 

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

 

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing works

 

 

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Foul language

 

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

 

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Girls night out

 

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Long rope

 

 

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hunters

 

 

A big group of hunters were in the middle of the jungle and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided to form one of the smaller groups and started walking.

After a while, one of them realized they were quite far away from the main group, and that they couldn't possibly find the way back. One of the other fools says to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you can't find your group, what you have to do is to shoot three times to the air and wait for someone to find you"

 

They shoot three times to the air, wait a while, but nothing happens. So they shoot three more times to the air but, again, no one comes to help them. After trying three shots more the fool says: "I hope this time someone can find us... that was my last arrow"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vulgar Pharmacist

 

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: White hair

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman Calls

 

 

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Testifying

 

 

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"


The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad news

 

 

A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Breast enlargement

 

 

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.

"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crash Landing

 

 

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Clerk advice

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: College meals

 

 

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them – and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.

“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.”
“Glue!”

“Then it’s apple pie – the plum pie tastes like soap.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Steep hills

 

 

Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

“That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man.

“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Heavy drinking

 

What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”

“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”

“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Friendship between women & men

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: The lazy man

 

 

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.

"I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."

"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.

"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce Procedure

 

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.

"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit: "He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."

"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband interrupted angrily: "Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice fishing

 

There once was a blonde who had always heard about ice fishing, so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole, and started fishing.

 

All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting a hole, and beginning to fish again.

 

Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now.

 

"Lord? Is that you?" she asks. In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Difference Between Men and Women

 

 

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep some vices

 

An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said, "Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."

"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."

"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."

Moral of the story: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.

[worldangel]

Joke: Happily married couple

 

“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.

“Don’t be too sure, my Dear.

 

 

They are probable saying the same thing about us.”  Replied his wife.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting a doctor

 

 

A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.

The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.

[worldangel]

Joke: Posh hotel

 

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat.

 

I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter.

 

“It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crying lover

 

A married woman has a lover. It’s no secret, her husband and all her friends know about it.

 

One day, the woman suddenly dies. At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all, the boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically.

 

Finally, the husband can't take any more of it.

 

He approaches the man, puts his arms around him and says "Please don't carry on like this. I'll marry again”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Called a motel

 

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

 

“Do you take children?” the man asked.

“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus Driver's Parents

 

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who's This Guy

 

 

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty bad news

 

 

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Orgasmic

 

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Criminal mastermind

 

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Great Job

 

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays

"That's great," his wife said.  $600 a week!"

 

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Corruption

 

 

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Waxing the floors

 

 

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, 'stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed. The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A minute later or two, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed 'halt! Don’t cross the street now'. An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "who are you?"

'I am your guardian angel' replied the voice. 'And I imagine you have some questions for me"

'You bet I do', the woman said. 'Where were you on my wedding day?'

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sahara desert

 

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy."

 

They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes.

 

The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated.

 

The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wearing glasses

 

 

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.

 

When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts lens."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guardian angel

 

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, 'stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed. The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A minute later or two, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed 'halt! Don’t cross the street now'. An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "who are you?"

'I am your guardian angel' replied the voice. 'And I imagine you have some questions for me"

'You bet I do', the woman said. 'Where were you on my wedding day?'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Need a therapist

 

A man goes to see his doctor.

 

 

The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

 

 

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."

 

 

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."