Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Her Age

 

 

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tootbrush Salesman

 

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

 

He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip.

 

His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

 

"Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

 

 

 

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute dress

 

 

A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"

The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Another fight

 

 

Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother sighed deeply, “Oh, Ozzie, you’ve been in another fight.”

“But, Mom,” sniffled Ozzie, “I was just keeping a little boy from being beaten up by a bigger boy.”

‘Well,” said Mom, “that was brave. Who was the little boy?”

“Me, Mommy.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old tycoon

 

 

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.

 

The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”

“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nearly Fatal Clock

 

 

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Diaper

 

 

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever Teacher

 

 

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police patrol

 

 

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

 

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Do not understand

 

Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.

His friend asks; “What do you mean?”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tiger hunting

 

A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

[clementi]

Joke: Get into heaven

 

A mother says to her small son who is being mean as usual, “How do you expect to ever get into Heaven?” To this her son replies" I figure I'll just run in and out the pearly gates until St. Peter says either stay in or out"!

[clementi]

Joke: Seaside hotel

 

A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man.

“It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.

[clementi]

Joke: Car crash

 

 

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

 

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

 

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping in coma

 

 

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoebox in the closet

 

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box.

 

When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He asks why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.

 

He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Grandchildren

 

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

 

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Only three doors

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

 

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family Pants

 

 

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I just needed to use your car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.


There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."


Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Check your Dirty IQ!

 

 

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever dog

 

 

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning,

 

We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.

 

Her husband replied: Well, lots of dogs can do that.

 

The wife responded, but we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: High school

 

 

Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.

She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.

The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”

“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
She asks: “Class of 49?” “Yes I was”, was the answered.

The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bride dressed in while

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"

 

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

 

The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duct tape

 

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Perfect Story

 

 

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer’s tombstone

 

 

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "

 

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbeque

 

 

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

 

The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fisherman

 

 

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 

 

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 

 

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just looking

 

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

 

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 

 

[iamziz]

[clementi]

Joke: Press a doorbell

 

 

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Talking cow

 

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

 

[clementi]

Joke: A recently widow

 

A recently widow says to her friend, “Oh don’t talk to me about lawyers”

“I’ve had so much trouble settling my late husband’s estate that I sometimes wish he hadn’t died….”

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Therapist

 

 

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

 

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

 

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: May I buy you a drink?

 

 

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aerobics?

 

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
 

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

 

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gonorrhea

 

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife
now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Dog Is Acting Bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy goes into the doctors of ...

A guy goes into the doctor’s office, he's got a banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose. He tells the doc "I sure don't feel very good."

The doctor replies "Of course not, you're not eating right".

[worldangel]

Joke: The trick side

 

 

 

Peter and Paul were talking about their wives.

"Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it."

"Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cork Screw

 

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"S "&%\\$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No electricity

 

 

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up, and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work.

So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast, and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and landed on the boat.

 

And the captain of the boat said to him, "You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Costume Shop

 

 

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband’s baby

 

 

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where does your parent lives?

 

 

Police: where do you live?
Me: with my parents

Police: where does your parents live?
Me: with me

Police: where do you all live?
Me: together

Police: where is your house?
Me: next to my neighbour’s house

Police: where is your neighbour’s house?
Me: if i tell you you won’t believe me.

Police: tell me
Me: next to my house