Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor vacationing

 

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

 

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

 

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

 

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband missing

 

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

 

The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

 

The neighbour then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old blind man

 

An old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.

 

Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

 

The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I forgot your name

 

 

Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".

The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New dress

 

A woman puts on a dress two sizes smaller than her large frame and thinking that she looked good she turned to her brother and asked, "How do I look in this dress?"
He said, "Not too bad."

Smiling ever so sweetly, she then started to prance. Realizing his mistake, the brother then said, "I said you don't look TOO bad, that doesn't mean that you don't still look bad."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal help

 

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney,
"If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"

 

 

The attorney replies "Sure, what's the other question?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow Jobs

 

Three men are walking down the street, the first guy sees a sign that says 'blow-jobs: $25' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and the other two guys are like “what happened?" the guy replies “well first she pulled down my pants, put chocolate ice cream on it and then she sucked it off."

 

They keep walking down the street and the second guy sees a second sign ‘blow-jobs: $50' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and he tells the other two what happened. “First she pulled off my pants, put vanilla ice cream on it and whip cream then she sucked it off.”

 

They are walking down the road again and the third guy sees a third sign that says 'blow-jobs: $75' he goes in comes out and he looks very sad. The other two asked, "What happened?"

 

He replied" well first she put strawberry ice cream on it then whip cream and a cherry." the guys say "so....." he said, "well it looked so good I ate it"

 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Being Alone

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.

 

One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.

One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said,

 

"What did you do that for?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

 

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"  

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Taste

A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"

"Crab Paste." she says.

"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?"

"The Pharmacy." she answers

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Discharge

A young lady walks into a doctor’s office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"

The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Working?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My daddy is ..

 

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second.

 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

 

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: As horny as hell

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbourhood boys for being stupid.

 

Their favourite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbour takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Handjob

 

 

On their second night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning anxiously towards his bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.

"Mom," she says, "My new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."

"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

[worldangel]

Joke: Whisper...

 

 

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

 

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper'."

 

 

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

 

 

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expected apology

 

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Material Damage

 

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

 

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Trying to Be Helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

 

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What Do You Want For Our 40th Wedding Anniversary?

 

 

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

 

 

"Not really," says Mary.

 

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

 

 

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

 

 

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

 

 

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John. 

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: A part in the play...

 

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

 

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer

 

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff’s Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputie’s expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How old?

 

 

An employer was taking interview of a prospective candidate.

Employer: “Have you ever worked anywhere else?”

Candidate: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “For how long?”

Candidate: “Twenty years.”

Employer: “And how old are you?”

Candidate: “Twenty five years, sir.”

Employer: “How is it possible that you are all of twenty five and you have worked for twenty years?”

Candidate: “I was taking overtime into consideration, sir.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I forgot

 

 

One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream."

 

Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.

 

He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

 

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $100,000

 

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

 

I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

 

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

 

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

[worldangel]

Joke: Where did The Blood Come From?

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.

The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"

"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"

"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"

"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.

"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."

"You're very welcome," says the doctor.

The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"

Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"

The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did I say he was dead?

 

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

 

 

 

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

 

 

 

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

 

 

 

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien Invasion

 

 

Two aliens landed in the Little Desert near an abandoned petrol station.

They approached the petrol pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

 

The petrol pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the petrol pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way?

 

Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

 

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

 

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking Frog

 

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

 

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

 

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

 

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The man said: "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can’t believe

 

 

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife’s activities.

 

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

 

“I just can’t believe this,” said the distraught husband.

“What’s not to believe?” the detective said. “It’s right up there on the screen!”

 

“I simply can’t believe my wife could be so much fun!” the husband replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife has tried to change me

 

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.

 

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Young couple on their honeymoon

 

 

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”

 

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”

 

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”

 

And she says, “So have I, love.”

To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daily words of man and woman

 

Man speaks 25000 words daily & woman speaks 30000 words daily.

 

But problem starts – When husband comes from office after finishing his 25000 wife starts her 30000.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I’ll get us another dog

 

 

Andy came home from work one evening and there was his wife Lissa in the kitchen crying out loud.

“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked her.

 

“I just don’t know what to do,” said Lissa. “Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner – but the dog has just eaten it.”

 

“Don’t worry,” said Andy, “I’ll get us another dog.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your horse called

 

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fool

 

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

 

And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before marriage

 

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead.

Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine, “

[worldangel]

Joke: Waste Viagra

 

 

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

 

 

He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

 

 

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied.

 

 

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Photo

 

 

The soldier serving in N.Y. was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Vacation in Texas

 

 

A blind man goes on vacation. He’s never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he’s amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he’s ever sat in.

 

“Wow, this seat is gigantic!” he says. “I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!”

The woman next to him says, “Sure, everything’s bigger in Texas, hun.”

 

The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth and catches a taxi to his hotel. He wants to go out and experience the city, but since it’s been a long day of travel, he decides to get a drink at the hotel bar first. He orders a beer, but instead of the pint he expects, the bartender hands him a mug that’s practically the size of a bucket.

 

 

“Damn,” the blind man says, “this beer is huge!”

The bartender says, “Oh yes sir, but you know everything’s bigger in Texas.”

 

Well, after a couple of hours, the blind man finishes his beer and it’s really gone straight to his bladder.

He slurs to the bartender, “My good man, could you point me towards the restroom in this fine establishment?”

The bartender says, “Sure, it’s right down that hall, third door on your right.”

 

The blind man makes his way down the hall, but in his state of inebriation (it was a lot of beer!), he misses the third door and opens the fourth instead, which happens to be the hotel swimming pool.

He slips and falls in and starts panicking and yelling “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two men camping

 

 

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.

 

I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

 

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

 

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

 

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a BJ, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three times a week 

 

 

"After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down to three times a year."

 

"Same here, Pal. As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to Las Vegas

 

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."

 

He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."

 

"Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."