Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Dick into a vice

 

 

A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his nob and dragged him to the garage.

After putting his dick into a vice and removing the key so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger.

 

The naked man said, "My god you are not going to cut it off?"

 

The husband replied, "Oh no sir, this is for you. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Woman

 

 

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

 

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore.

 

 

The doctor said “Ok, that’s great”, finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.

 

 

When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. “Good” he said. “Now that we’ve cleared out your sinuses let’s work on your hearing.”

[clementi]

Joke: We work by results...

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 

 

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

 

 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The ladder to success

 

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

 

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two attorneys

 

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.

 

One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her!

 

The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

 

[clementi]

 

Gay Joke: Three gaymen

 

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

 

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

 

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

 

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s office

 

 

A man was in a doctors’ office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

 

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactlly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masturbates with it.

 

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

 

So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While to girl

 

 

While talking to girl.

 

“Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?”

 

“No, what?”

 

“Yea, I figured you were in the first group.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restocking the vegetables

 

 

A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”

 

The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”

 

 

The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?” The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer.

 

“Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?” Confused, the woman says “But, there is no fuck in broccoli.” The grocer says “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE’S NO FUCKIN’ BROCCOLI!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In heaven

 

 

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, “Heaven’s a big place. I’ll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon.”

 

St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse.

St. Peter calls up the third man. He repeats what he said before and gives this man a Ferrari because he was very faithful to his spouse.

 

One week later, the three men all meet each other at a stop light in heaven. The first 2 men notice that the third, in his Ferrari, is crying. They ask him why.

He replies, “I just passed my wife. She was riding a skateboard.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Raisin bread

 

 

A general store hires a young female clerk with a fondness for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

 

“I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

 

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

 

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

 

“Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.

“No,” croaks the old man feebly, “But it’s starting to twitch.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis

 

 

Two guys are playing tennis. After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy.

 

 

At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what’s wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down.

 

 

He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away.

 

 

This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it.

 

 

He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don’t quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away

[worldangel]

Joke: Genie

 

 

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her surprise a Genie appeared in front of her.

 

 

The Genie said “You’ve got one wish, make it snappy” The young woman said “I thought Genies gave 3 wishes”. “Not since the GFC, so what is your wish” said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle-east from her back pack.

 

“See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace” she said.

 

 

The Genie studied the map. “WTF that’s impossible, try another wish” the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman ” I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on”.
 

The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says “Show me that fucking map again”

[worldangel]

Joke: Scream of pains

 

 

A girl is standing at The Gates of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

 

She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”

 

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband & wife texting

 

 

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

 

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

 

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

 

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking at a party

 

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

 

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

 

 

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

 

 

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wishes

 

 

Dougly walks into a bar, when he comes inside he sees Carl sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

 

Dougly walks up to him and says “hey Carl, where the hell did you get that watch?”

Carl points into the corner and says “do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?”

 

“Yeah” says Dougly

“well, he can grant wishes” Carl

Dougly gets all excited “like real wishes?”

Carl says “yes, but…”

 

but Dougly is exited and doesn’t let Carl finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him “do you grant wishes?”

“yes, one wish per person” says the old man

 

“all right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money” and suddenly Dougly’s pockets start bulging out.

Dougly runs to the bar and says the bartender “bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey”

 

Dougly then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn’t money, it’s all gooey “this is honey, but I asked for money” then Carl says “Do you think I asked for a 12″ inch long clock?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys in bar

 

 

The first guy walks up to the bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what hes drinking? The man says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.” The bartender then reaches behind the bar and after a couple seconds the bartender hands him and apple

.

“What the hell is this?! I asked you for a rum and coke, damnit!” the bartender looks to him and says, “Trust me, just eat.” “No way man this is an apple, I want my drink!” “Trust me,” says the bartender. So the guy decides, ehh why not and bites into it.

 

 

“Whoa!” he exclaims. “That tastes like rum!!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. And so he does. “Whoa!!” he exclaims again, “this side tastes like coke! That’s amazing how did you do that?” The bartender says nothing and gives the man a wink.

 

The second guy walks in, sits down and orders a gin and tonic. then goes through the same thing as the first, and finally bites into it. “Whoa!!” he says, “that tastes like gin!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. “That tastes like tonic! That’s amazing!”

 

And now the third guy walks up, with the first two explaining to him how awesome this bartender is. “These apples taste just like the drinks we ordered!” exclaimed the first. “He can make it taste like anything you want!” says the second guy. “Anything?” the third guy asks? “Well Mr. Bartender, in that case, I want one that tastes like pussy!”

 

Thinking he had him stumped the bartender shrugs, and after a couple seconds hands him an apple. He bites into it and immediately spits it out, “This apple tastes like Shit!!” he yelled. The bartender replies, “flip it over.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in hot air balloon

 

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

 

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

 

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

 

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

 

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Open & shut

 

 

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”

 

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

 

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

 

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

[worldangel]

Joke: DeNephew

 

 

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
"Denise," the doctor says. 

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 
The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy on diet

 

 

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."

 

 

Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?"

 

 

Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

 

[clementi]

Joke: At the dentist

 

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

 

The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

[clementi]

Joke: Screw you too

 

 

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it.

 

His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

 

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?"

 

The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

[clementi]

Joke: Just 2 hours

 

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours.

 

Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were.

 

The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

[clementi]

Joke: How much for all night?

 

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

 

 "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

 

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[iamziz]

[worldangel]

Joke: Something hard for a change

 

 

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

 

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[worldangel]

Joke: Macho man

 

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

 

 I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Joke: Making condoms

 

A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[worldangel]

Joke: Reciprocal

 

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

 

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.”

 

The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.

 

“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

[worldangel]

Joke: Seven inches

 

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

 

She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

 

I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: The penis study

 

The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

 

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sex life

 

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better.

 

However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him.

 

There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: It’s not life sentence

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place the prison, and call my private thing the prisoner.

 

So what we do is, we put the prisoner in the prison." Then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time they made love, the guy reaches for his cigarettes, but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, okay!"

[clementi]

Joke: Where I came from?

 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared.

 

They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.

 

Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Blowing bubbles

 

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo."

 

The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo."

 

The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo."

 

The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

[worldangel]

Joke: The golden toilet

 

 

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

 

He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?” “A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,”Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Dugly.
“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

This continues all day until finally Dugly walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.” The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Criss Angel

 

 

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, “Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!” Houdini responds, “Not bad, not bad at all.”

 

Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, “Of course!”

 

Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

 

“So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!”

Houdini responds, “Go check Criss Angel’s pocket.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sneezing

 

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

 

At this, the man said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” the woman replied, “but I have a very rare medical condition – whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

 

“I’ve never heard of that condition,” the man said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes,” the woman said. “Pepper.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two whales

 

 

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean when they come across a whaling vessel.

 

One whale looks to the other and says “we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!”

 

The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can.

 

The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water.

The first whale then says “we should eat these sailors so they don’t ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!”

 

The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies “Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you’re going to get me to eat the seamen!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Idiot

 

 

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Still in the same cemetery?

 

 

An older man met an acquaintance and asked how his wife was: then, suddenly remembering that she had died, he blurted out, “Still in the same cemetery?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken soup

 

 

A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him.

 

The old man quickly calls him back and says "waiter taste the soup" the waiter says "well what’s wrong with it" "just taste the soup" the old man insisted".

 

"Well what's wrong with the soup is it, too hot too cold, what"! "Just taste the soup said the old man". "Oh, all right where's the spoon".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentures

 

 

A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.

She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.

There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”

“Who said anything about my mouth?” he woman answered.

“They don’t fit in the glass!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Dracula

 

 

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced...."I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Chatting

 

 

Matilda and Rosie were chatting one day. Matilda had recently moved to a retirement home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?”

“Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “there’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking a cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.”

“Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and (whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur It is. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gay.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snake Venom

One day a happy couple Jay and Marie were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick.

Since no one was around for miles Marie called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my boyfriend got bit by a snake on his penis"

The doctor told her "Maam your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"
Marie asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"
The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"

So Marie goes running to her boyfriend
When she gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?"
Marie says "Doctor said you'r gonna die"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flowers

A man comes home with a bouqet of flowers for his girlfriend and she says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

And her boyfriend asks "Why, don't you have a vase?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor's Funeral

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers.  When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynaecologist."